Trees of Glass

Aftermath Excerpt III

2012-02-15T20:54:00.005-06:00

Regret.

Adara and I were running to my car.

I saw a white light.

“Why did you do that?” Adara screamed at me in anguish.

“He wanted a fight so I fought,” I said coldly.

“You were going to kill him! He was unconscious and you didn’t look like you were going to stop,” the fear in her eyes was heart wrenching but I didn’t notice it.

I heard sirens.

“Take me home,” she crossed the car to the passenger side door.

“Fine. I was just defending myself,” I scowled.

I felt the cold wet pavement.

“Defending yourself ended when you broke that guys arm.”

My grumbles were drowned out by the sound of me starting the car.

We drove in silence for a while, my rage still boiling and Adara’s fearful anger floating in the air.

“I don’t know where that came from. I never thought you’d do something like that, Beck,” she said stoically.

I smelled gasoline.

“You know what, Adara, I was fighting him to make sure he didn’t hurt you too. I was defending both of us.”

“He didn’t even look at me,” she screeched. “The only time I got close to getting hurt was when you kept coming back over to me, bringing the fight closer.”

My grip tightened on the wheel, my teeth clenched, and we sped up.

I tasted blood.

“Well, I was just trying to make sure I stayed between you and them,” my eyes were locked on the road but it was an empty stare.

“You were being brutish and stupid! How in the hell do you expect me to feel about that!” my antagonizing attitude wasn’t helping quell her anger.

“Fine! Next time someone comes at you I’ll let you fight for yourself,” I said with a scowl.

People were running.

“You’re an ass, Beck. Stop being a dick and be considerate of me,” she crossed her arms and I knew she was done talking.

But I wasn’t. I spun my head around to face her. “You know, I hate it when you do this shit. You twist what I do into something horrible and then tell me to do the very thing I was trying to do in the first place. Be considerate? I was being fucking considerate! I was trying to make sure you didn’t get hurt. Callum almost hit you with that bottle too! But I’m the ass cause I fought him and tried to protect you?” I was on a tirade.

“Beck,” she said calmly.

“No, shut-up, Adara. You have this shit double-standard that always puts me in the wrong. I can’t ever do the right thing and you can’t ever do wrong. How can you do that? Do you not see yourself doing it?”

“Beck,” she spoke in an elevated tone.

“You’ve talked, Adara, now it’s my turn. I’m tired of this!” my eyes were locked on her face to see how she reacted to each of my verbal blows. “Is this how it’s always going to be?”

“BECK!” she screamed and braced herself against the dash.

The impact jolted me.

I never saw what it was.

We were twisting in the blackness; it was a silent and horrible dance. In one fleeting moment I could see Adara’s face—teeth clenched and eyes closed. The next moment, she was bloodied and screaming.

I felt the unforgiving ground crush my body with the help of gravity after I was launched from the rolling car.

Adara was stuck inside the catastrophe that had been my vehicle. It continued to flip into the nearby field and eventually landed on its roof in a peaceful twist of metal and mud.

I saw a white light.

I heard sirens.

I felt the cold, wet pavement.

I smelled gasoline.

I tasted blood.

People were running.

I was in a haze. Quickly, I put a delay on my injuries to keep the damage from advancing more. I even managed to pull back some of the more minor wounds making them disappear for the moment.

Limping as I ran, I approached the wrecked car. I stooped down to see Adara suspended upside down in her seat, held there by her safety belt. The paramedics were screaming but their voices were dull and inaudible. They grabbed me, trying to gently lay me down to examine my injuries.

Shrugging them off, I ran over to Adara’s side of the car.

“Baby, are you okay? I’m gonna get you out,” she was silent, unconscious; a large cut ran across the top of her scalp and blood was pouring out quickly.

My hands held tightly to the crushed passenger side door and I pulled. With adrenaline aiding my already unnatural strength, I was able to bend and twist the door open enough to get to Adara.

I was woozy and tired from such a large delay being put in place but I still ripped her seatbelt off and lightly carried her out of the wreckage. After I laid her down in the field I was overwhelmed and lost hold of my delay and collapsed beside her, unconscious.

Aftermath excerpt II

2011-11-11T18:46:00.001-06:00

So I sat in the locker room, steaming from frustration, boiling from a lack of control. And Mertin walked in at the wrong time.

“Hey, do you need a towel?” Mertin held out the towel, seemingly offering it to me as if I were a peasant begging for alms.

“What?” I scowled at him, bitterness dripping off my words.

“I accidentally grabbed two so do you want the extra one?”

He was a cocky sonofabitch.

“Why, cause I’m too tired to get one myself?”

“No, I just didn’t want to walk all the way to the back to put it up.”

“Fuck you, Mertin.”

“Dude, hold down the hostility.”

“Don’t caution me on how to act you squirmy little asshole.”

“Okay, whatever dude.” He turned to walk out of the locker room, dropping the extra towel at the end of bench I was sitting on.

That was it. The line had been crossed. How? I didn’t know but it triggered something in me, some cruelty bred deep in my soul leaped its way to the surface of my mind and it was decided that Mertin would be gifted no mercy that day.

I stood quickly and grabbed Mertin by the back of his shirt, jerking him to the ground. He fell hard and was disoriented for a moment. His eyes widened with bewilderment at the violence that was bearing down on him.

I raised my fist and struck him in square in the face as he lay there at my feet, still in shock. He gathered himself in a quick moment, wrestled me off the top of him and got to his feet.

I toppled onto the ground but managed to stand up just as his fist flew at my face. I took the shot directly in the nose. It was the most distinct pain I had ever felt. My eyes filled with tears immediately. I tried to shake the fog from my head and impulsively ducked to avoid a predictable second swing from Mertin. I dodged correctly and he missed with his second blow.

His third strike, however, landed deep into my gut and my breath was immediately gone. I plummeted to my knees and fought to recapture my breath. Mertin stood over me and I could only assume he was on the verge of continuing his attack so I countered by reaching out and punching him in the testicles. It stopped him from moving.

I got up and he fell down.

He was hunkered over his knees, heaving as if he were about to throw-up. I lifted his head as best I could and quickly threw my knee into his chin. I saw the blood bubbling in his mouth as he fell back on the floor. I picked him up once more and looked him directly in his shaky eyes.

“I don’t think you’ll be getting up after this,” I relished the fear that developed on his face; it was fuel for my assault.

I smashed his nose with my forearm and let him fall to the floor again. Circling my victim, I viciously threw kicks into his ribs whenever he made a move. I straddled over him after a few minutes of torturing him with kicks and raised my fist high into the air. Then I dropped it down onto his bloodied face over and over and over again.

I savored every moment of pain I inflicted onto his limp body. I never stopped to think about if he were dead from the numerous blows to his skull. I never noticed that it felt more like I was punching a bag of sand rather than a face. I never paid attention to when the bubbles of blood stopped forming in his mouth. I never heard the door to the locker room open and I never felt my head crack against the cold tile as I was ripped from atop Mertin.

I woke to what I thought were the white walls of a hospital emergency room. That idea was quickly dispelled by the fact that hospital policy doesn’t involve punching the patient repeatedly in the face.

There were murmured screams as the blunt fists bounced off my face again and again. Then I was dropped back to the ground. I rolled over to see someone hunkered over what I initially thought was their dog that had just been ran over by a car.

It was Mertin and Sander was quivering over his brother’s blood soaked body.

Sander noticed me sitting up after a few moments and stormed over tome, tears and anger flowing from his face. He screamed things I don’t remember and he threw more punches than I could count. I was like a zombie, in a haze and without feeling. Blow after blow struck my head and body but never once did I feel the impact.

He grabbed me and tossed my body up against the lockers. I slid to the floor where his swift feet blasted into me many times. Sander paused after our prolonged soccer lesson, out of breath but still full of so much wrath. He stepped over to his brother once more, lost in anger and confusion.

After several more minutes, I rose to my feet one more time, not having any clean thought about what I planned on doing. Was I going to leave? Was I going to fight back? I don’t know. At that moment, I was just standing up.

Being slammed against the concrete wall before I even had a chance to figure that out wasn’t what cleared my head; it was what Sander said as he held me there.

“I’m going to kill you so you can burn in hell with your father,” he snarled, mere inches from my face.

That’s what sparked the fiery rage that burned away the cobwebs.

It seemed to happen naturally and very silently. I saw Sander’s fist coming at me in slow motion so I tilted my head to the side. The numerous tiny bones in his hand shattered against the unforgiving wall beside my head. His grip loosened on me and I landed on my feet. He didn’t notice his shattered hand; adrenaline numbed him to that pain for the moment.

I thrust my fist quickly upward and caught him in his chin but Sander was so much larger than me that it didn’t have the stopping power I had hoped it would. Sander hobbled back for a quick second and charged me again. I ate several punches without response. I stood there, absorbing his blows as if he were a ghost swiping vainly at the living. I caught one of his punches, one from his crushed hand, and I squeezed it in hopes that shock had given way to the reality of broken bones. It had. Sander screamed in pain and I stepped up beside him with his hand still locked in my grasp. His arm was twisted in an unnatural way, and it might’ve broken. He was bent over from the pain and I rammed my elbow into the side of his jaw. He went limp but remained conscious.

I released his hand and it dropped to the floor beside him. He sat there, bleary-eyed and stunned, beside his barely gurgling brother. I took my time as I walked around behind him. The palm of my hand struck solidly at the base of his skull and the “thunk” of his head hitting the tile floor echoed amidst the locker room walls. He was hard to lift and was, surprisingly enough, still partially awake. I decided to let him come around a bit more before I continued further.

Holding his head up by his chin, I stared Sander in the face, waiting for his eyes to begin to dilate and focused on me. I wanted to be sure he could see and hear me.

“Tell my father I don’t plan on seeing him any time soon.”

It was then that I stepped up behind him for the final time. I wrapped my left arm around his throat and gripped my right bicep with my left hand. I placed my right hand on the back of his head and pushed forward while pulling back with my left arm. Sander gasped for the first few moments and soon began to struggle more violently as I squeezed my hold tighter. Eventually his death throes were getting unruly so I quickly twisted both my arms. He finally went still and lay on the ground next to his now silent brother. I stared for a while to make sure they both remained quite still. Once I was satisfied I went to the mirror to look at myself.

There wasn’t a mark on me. Not a bruise, not a scratch, not a single blemish could be found. I was confused but still high enough from the endorphins that I didn’t think much of it. Then I noticed something. I think I felt the pain before I really saw it in the mirror but my face began to ache terribly. It was like a migraine rushing all over my head. Bruises began to appear on my face. Blood first started to drip out of my mouth and then it began to come out in a steady stream. When I looked at the mirror again I saw the cuts appearing on my cheek and head. I saw more blood coming from my nose and mouth too. My eyes suddenly had burst blood vessels and then they began swelling up completely. Everything went dark from there, I don’t know if it was from the swelling or the pain in my head but I was lost in the black.

Nanowrimo... Again

2011-11-09T07:55:00.002-06:00

That's why I haven't done a Tuesday post yet. I've been writing on my novel like mad crazy. I've 10,000 words so far and it's the most I've written on anything besides my screenplay. I feel, though, that this is a lot different because I did the screenplay over the course of an entire semester whereas I'm doing this novel in a month. Right now I'm only like 4,000 words short of what my screenplay is and I'm only 9 days into writing this bad boy. I'm really excited about this and I will find a nice excerpt to post on Friday. Stick with me you crazy people!

Excerpt from Aftermath

2011-11-04T16:20:00.004-05:00

I stepped into the school where a sea of words dried up at my presence. Eyes fell on me without shame—some with awe and some with disgust. Who could blame them? Their hero had been slain by a popper of a man, a dangly, five-foot-ten popper without a shred of noticeable muscle. It was delightful to be a source of bane for those who had their loyalties set in conventional athleticism. Their poster-child had lost his glimmer and their core beliefs had been shaken.

I kept my smirk on and stepped through the black and white crowd toward my locker. I opened it only to have it slammed shut almost instantly. I knew who it was.

“Sander… How’s it going?” I said nonchalantly as I turned my eyes up to meet his six-foot-three gaze.

“It’s going down, like you will be.”

He wasn’t the cleverest poster-child.

“Why do you want me to go down? You know that’s not how I swing. I hear Chico Mandley likes that kind of stuff. His locker is number 1427,” I taunted.

The sounds of his cronies’ chuckles were instantly murdered by Sander’s gaze.

Sander puffed his chest out, “I don’t think you’re funny and I don’t think you’re as good as everyone thinks.”

“Well, people seem to think I’m better than you at the very least and if you say I’m not that good then that means you’re even lower than that on the preverbal totem pole.” I smiled at my own witty logic.

“You might be clever with your words, goon, but that’s not gonna save you if I decide to knock them out of your mouth,” his brandished fist punctuated the end of his sentence.

Write On

2011-10-31T17:28:00.007-05:00

I'm gonna do Nanowrimo.. Yes, that's right.

I tried this once several years ago and I never finished. The story did end up becoming the fill-length movie script I currently am working on. I have some small things in mind for my novel. It will definitely involve a character I have used before and it has a superhero type them to it.

I don't know how blatantly that theme is going to play out but the main character will have supernatural powers and I plan on making him become a accidental hero; maybe an anti-hero. I've posted a short piece featuring this character on my blog before. It's the post entitled Battle Recouped. I will probably modify that piece to be the beginning of the novel. The character is based off of a superhero me and my brother made up when we were like 12 or 13. His powers are a bit complicated to explain and I don't know how we came up with such a complex sort of idea for a superhero. Anyway, I'm excited about writing it out.

I genuinely have been thinking about randomness to blog about all day today and yesterday and I really can't come up with much right now. I do think I've decided to use my Poem Post Friday's for excerpts from my Nanowrimo writings. My username on Nanowrimo.org is BooderMcDoo if anyone wants to add me on there. Ok, I'll check you guys later.

The Reality Rules

2011-10-28T08:50:00.004-05:00

They are hordes

They are lost
They are paced
And they last

Do not break down
Do not be still
Do not fight wreckless
And do not fall

We are the remaining
We are the hope
We are distopian
But we grow

They are not fear
They are not the end
They are not stopping
But they can't defend

Every Thought

2011-10-24T17:07:00.009-05:00

First things first--Monday updates are now moving to Tuesdays. And also my dad pointed out that I was turning the bike pedal the wrong way on my bike (refer to post "Monday on Wednesday").

Moving on.

2 of my 3 teams lost this weekend while the one that won this week had lost the two weeks prior. It's not so bad cause all is not lost for any of the teams. They all still have hope of having great success for the rest of the season.

Work: meh.
School: meh.
Relationship: perfect.

Jessica and I are moving in together on November 18th. We are staying at my apartment complex but upgrading to a two bedroom apartment. I am excited about this, very excited. We are gonna have some fun combining our stuff, though. I expect and have also been told that many of my things are not acceptable for our home.. I agree but I am stubborn sometimes. It's not a big deal to me, really. Things are things and they don't regulate my life. But Jessica is a wonderful homemaker and she wants our place to be beautiful, welcoming, and hospitable.

Other things that I am dwelling on include my script, zombies (duh), and my acting role. It turns out the guy that is the creative mind behind the show I have been cast in has been on a vacation and up until now I have had no contact with him about the show. He has come back and I feel things will start soon.

With my script, I have come in contact with a guy who is going to help me hash some things out with it. Develop the characters better, push the plot along more, and just give some outside perspective for me. I really can't wait to hear what he says about it and what ideas he comes up with.

Zombies. This has several different splintering sources. The second season of The Walking Dead has starting being one. But I don't have cable so I have to wait until it comes out on DVD.. At least that's what I want to do because I like to watch them all at once. I have also gotten into reading World War Z more and am getting excited about the movie coming out in 2012. Then there's Halloween. With Halloween approaching there has been a general forte in the ghouls and zombie department so it's not wonder that zombies are on my mind.

I know these are all small blurbs but it's what's on my mind now. I will knock on your thoughts later good friends!

Un-Wasted

2011-10-21T11:04:00.005-05:00

I sleep

I run
I turn
Undone.

It's life
It's hope
It's love
Become.

I want
I need
I breathe
I see.

It's hard
It's short
It's long
It's free.

Where to stop
When to gaze
Why we walk
How we praise
Who we are is what lasts
What's our wealth; it too will pass.

Monday on Wednesday

2011-10-19T08:39:00.005-05:00

Finally, I have a moment to update my blog. Monday was full of work and studying for a midterm and yesterday was full of the same.. Plus the midterm. Now I am sitting in my Advanced Social Psychology class waiting for class to start. I got here early cause I took the bus.

The reason I took the bus is because my bike isn't cooperating with me. I saw that one of my pedals was breaking off because it is part plastic and I show no mercy to weak pedals if they can't handle my pedaling prowess. So, I bought some new metal pedals.. I'm a poet, it's in my nature to rhyme. Then I decided to work on my bike and remove the old pedals and put in the new ones. The pedal that was in need of repair came off with no difficulty and I replaced it with ease. The other one, however, has stubbornly decided to remain unmoved. In the process of trying to remove the immovable pedal I ended up breaking it so now there's a reason for it to be replaced. But I can't get it off of my bike. No amount of strength and WD-40 can overcome the wretched and unwavering nature of this pedal. It has an innate quality that allows it to be the most frustrating maniacal piece of machinery to stand in my way. I've separated fused pieces of pipes with less effort than this stupid, little pedal. I hope I can take it to some bike shop where they will take pity on my frustrations and do it without charge. I don't expect someone to charge to unscrew a stubborn pedal anyway. I just want to be able to ride again.

Ok, so there's my ranting post for the day. I figured I'd hit on my school stresses or my job and how it's getting more bearable or how my running workout is going (great by the way) but I guess posting on Wednesday makes me actually talk about new things rather than the same stuff I've touched on in just about every post. Thanks for reading kids and cadets! God bless and leave me a bowl of soup (comment), I'm hungry cause I skipped breakfast.

With Steady Minds

2011-10-14T07:49:00.008-05:00

We watch it wasting away in movement

An abhorred thraldom of continuous steps
The careless cudgeling of someone's love
A ballistic shock wave sending frigidity to our hearts

But our castellated homes do not shout "Welcome!" to the dead
So gladly we become the Walking's misanthrope
A cavernous gloom flies with each fire we release
Our stoic vigilance will outlast this ruin

Work=Antifun

2011-10-10T10:07:00.009-05:00

I'll throw down and update on the football games that I mentioned in last week's post and do a quick summary of this week for the teams. I don't want this to be another football post though.

Comanche won in dominating fashion with a victory of 32-6 over the Washington Warriors and pulled themselves into the class 2A rankings at #10.

OU won the game with a merciless one-two punch from defense and offense. The score of 55-17 over Bevo and company sent Texas running.

SNU lost to Northwestern 28-12. I didn't get to see this game (I actually didn't see any of the games) but I know it was tied going into the 4th quarter and it seems the downfall of the Crimson Storm was penalties. They had 159 yards in penalties but otherwise out gained Northwestern. When I see this I think of what one of my coaches said to my team after a loss "You don't have to be undefeated to win the championship." I think that applies here.

What's next? How about a little bit of psychology? Maybe?

Today me and one of my friends did our stint as discussion leader in our Advanced Social Psychology class. I've mentioned before that this is a fun class and I like discussing the topics. Today was about group processes. It basically covered everything from what defines a group, how it is formed, to how the group affects those who associate with it and how groups work with certain types of leadership.

My job right now is not really that fun at all. But when is a job supposed to be fun? I know it's "work" for a reason but I have found that I am in high need of cognition and that cognition can't be repetitive too much. I need something that's stimulates my mind and makes me think of new and adaptive ways to do things. At my job it is pretty set and defined the things I am supposed to do and can and cannot do. They say they want us to come up with new ways to do things but there is only so much we can do within the confines of the ABA program. We are also limited by the kids we work with. This job is beneficial for the pay, the hours, and the fact that I can do school projects as well as get practicum hours for my masters program. Those positives have to outweigh the negatives as much as I feel like they don't. I can't afford to have a different job with less pay, more obscure hours, and also the added hours of class work outside of the job. I hope it doesn't wear me down too much because I am already not a fan of going... at all.

Sorry about the depressing post. I just started typing it out. That's what this is for. I just hurl things off my chest and hope that where it lands some people either look at it and find some value or their examination stimulates thoughts in their own mind. Oh well, thanks for checking out my Monday post. I 'll leave with another promise: I won't always have depressing posts. When I get into a better flow of this I think I'll start posting humorous anecdotes or other things of that sort.

And yeah, that's just a goofy, unrelated pic of me up there.

Emend

2011-10-07T10:54:00.005-05:00

Returning to me under duress and fire

We burn the madness in trepid ire
Before we bemuse a wild, lost pain
A vision of augury alters our ways

Waiting and lusting I broke your calm
We loved, we clashed, we climbed beyond
Restoring a trust with heavy hands
So timid we walk on haughty mands

Successes

2011-10-03T10:43:00.000-05:00

This season of football has been pretty great to me so far. The three teams I consider "my teams" have all rolled along to a great undefeated start.

First and most well-known of the teams I scream maniacally in favor of is the University of Oklahoma Sooners. They're ranked #2 or #3 in the national polls, depending on which one you look at. Right now they have a record of 4-0 and are looking pretty strong.

The next team, and probably the one I actually feel most loyalty to right now, is the Southern Nazarene University Crimson Storm. They're an NAIA school in Bethany, Oklahoma. My brother played 5 years there and is now assisting the wide receivers as a coach. In addition to this, I have several friends who play on this team. They are currently 5-0 and have had blow-out victories in all 5 of their games. They were ranked #11 last week in the NAIA polls and the rankings for this week come out later today. I have no doubt that they will have broken into the Top 10 with a devastating victory over a team that was previously 4-1 (they're now ranked #10).

My former high school is the last team I'm looking at. Admittedly I don't have an enormous amount of heart invested in this team; it's just always nice to see that where you came from has become good again. After I graduated the Comanche Indians had some bad football years but now they've gone 5-0 and are getting better weekly.

All three teams face big challenges this week. OU faces Texas, SNU faces Northwestern (a perennial power in their conference), and the Indians face Washington (a team ranked in the state top ten). I am confident they will all continue greatness and I look forward to seeing more hard-hitting success from them.

Final

2011-09-30T10:01:00.001-05:00

Abandoned hope

Musing surprise
We wash our facts
We de-mand lies

Falling context
Lucid dawn
I change my code
I travel on

Re-traces forgot
Leering smiles
Blasting this world
Creation defiles

Amid the chaos I am undone
Forever with survivalism we overcome
Inside my mind it loses life's fire
Darkness and others cornered in dire

New Styles

2011-09-26T10:21:00.000-05:00

Ok. So some new things I plan on doing with this blog are happening right now. As you have probably seen I've been updating my blog with a new post every Friday. All but a few of them have been poems too. What I plan on doing now is updating every Monday with a post sorta like this one and every Friday with a story or poem or some other piece of writing. Right now, I don't have much to roll on about so I think I'll leave this post kinda wandering and let it fade out of specificity and into just whatever comes from my finger right now.

I've been running, working out pretty consistently to lose weight. It's the most solid working out I've done since I've been in college. I'm doing it for my wedding as well as just because I'm tired of having a gut. I'm loving that I have this motivation to continue with this running instead of letting it fade. I'm on my third week and it's a 9 week program

As far school goes, I've said some about it and now that I'm deeper in it I can tell you a little more. I like my Social Psychology class; I've always enjoyed social psych the most. Group dynamics and the concept of our actions being guided by a social survival system is just so neat to me. I'm also in a class where I am learning to give IQ tests to children and adults. Then I have an Applied Behavior Analysis class which is my least favorite class.

Job-wise I've started working as a tutor in a special needs Catholic school in Oklahoma City. The school is partnered with Mercy Hospital. It's a good job and it's not overwhelming. I get to use the hours I work there for some practicum hours for my School Psychology and ABA program. It also helps that I will be able to do some of my projects with the kids I work with there so I won't have to add more to my schedule outside of school and work.

One last bit of something I'd like to say is that I have gotten a main role in an upcoming comedy news web series. The series is being put on by Eyeshock which is a small independent production company here in Oklahoma City. It doesn't have a name yet, the show that is, and I have yet to begin working on it but as of right now I am slated to be a main character on the program and I am excited.

Now I know I've rambled and most of this isn't going to be too interesting but I tried to break it down into smaller bits so that it is easier to digest. I coulda rolled on about random thoughts within these subjects themselves but I did my best not to and if I strayed off too much I apologize. I will try to have the Monday posts be a little more directed next time. Toodles!

Revenir

2011-09-23T07:42:00.000-05:00

He dives under at last

His loss of self comes fast
Pains are all but burnt out
Traces of times gone now
His mind throws all away
Eyes search and fix a gaze

Don't get lost here
We all bring faith
It's not just fear
We'll hold your place

Yet he didn't know us
Our shouts, screams, not enough
His turn brought us so close
Some join his comatose
Logic breeds our cold choice
A last flame's metal voice

Walking Me

2011-09-16T11:34:00.001-05:00

I fall onto crumbled ground

Their steps unceasing trod toward
Stretching out, we reach for life
Scrambling, teetering me

Standing with unbalanced legs
They still hold with violence
Sinking in, we bleed as one
Struggling, enduring me

I'm fading out of the pain
Blood slows from the dripping wounds
Rising up, we feed this ache
Shuffling, walking me

The Breathing Boys

2011-09-09T09:40:00.001-05:00

The breathing boys battle those death lost.

Their minds and mettle calm tremored hands,
Making guns to greatness in bleak lands.
It's cold and chaos that keeps their breath,
Purging the sickness, scorching those left.

But the world gets lost in entropy.
Recovering the rubble does naught,
The aftermath leaves us wrecked, distraught.
Then rises the tribes and savage wars.
Kill the Walking, it's us we abhor.

Soren Pistelis

2011-09-02T20:25:00.001-05:00

A noble warrior. A righteous leader. An amalgam of discipline and instinct. Soren Pistelis fought for hundreds of years as soldier of fortune; loyal only to the Contract. His way of dealing with his profession garnered a manner of fluidity and precision that escapes the deepest fathoms of most human perception. Soren’s deeds often times were ebon and cold, heartless and swift. A Dark immortal such as himself thrives on certain cruelties but is not bound by those black musings. We step into Soren’s consciousness in the midst of his final contract—riddled with questions and smoldering thoughts, Soren begins to fade from allegiance to the Contract and grows toward another faith.

I heard their steps falling across the ground. I smelled the dust fluttering in the air behind their boots. A faceless fear crept in each one’s heart and it was me. I moved from the tops of the trees and landed silently on the earthen floor.

What did he mean by revolution?

Focus, Soren. The King must be done away with tonight before he announces his intent to marry. The two guards riding on the carriage will be the most alert and least restless. The three on horseback will be my largest challenge. The 7 on foot are at a much more vulnerable psychological state and I can use their confusion and edginess to disrupt the entire convoy’s resolve. The secondary convoy may attack but the prince will not be a target so his retreat to safety will be their first priority.

When will he begin?

No. Speedy now. Catch up but keep a silent footfall. Now is the time I play with their fears. Yes. I remember now. I fire a psychic blast into the trees opposite of my position and they quickly turn, weak knees and swords at the ready. They keep moving though. I scurry ahead and lob a stone arching high into the air. It flies for an extended period before it falls in front of the lead horseman. The horse rears back momentarily startled. The men do not muster their calm as quickly. A beast knows when it is the one in danger but men can only think of their death once their fear begins to blossom.

“In the name of the king: who goes there?” cries Captain Runely, true courage gracing his words.

The guards stand and stare at the trees as if they themselves will speak up in response to the fading thunder of Runely’s request.

I sat in the darkness seeing so clearly the fear in each of their hearts. Runely’s bravery kept his men from completely losing themselves but it was only a momentary fix.

How does he plan to bring revolution?

Concentrate, Soren! You cannot let his words cloud your mind. Assault their terrors head-on now.

I run ahead of their group as they continue to hurry onward at an increased pace. I step out into the middle of the road, standing firm and cloaked in the night’s darkness. I wait for the cavalcade to come around the bend. Their strides drew them closer and soon their probing eyes found me in the shadows. They stopped in mid-step. I was only a dark figure established in their path but what did they see in me? I regarded their presence with a slow rise of my head. Runely endured steadily, hand on his sword. The rest of the number failed to compose any essence of courage among them despite only encountering a single man.

Runely spoke, “This is the king’s convoy and I advise you to step aside, citizen, or we will be forced to remove you by any means necessary.”

I smiled and conjured a pyrokinetic fire within my palm and allowed it to flow all around me, licking at my body and covering me with flames. And in a quick instant, when the flames had covered me completely, I darted into the woods with the flame extinguishing behind me. The men began to shriek of fire demons and shadow sorcery. They were beyond Runely’s control; he had lost his men in their own deluge of fear and wild imagination.

I strike fast, using a psyblast to knock one of the guards to the ground. He winces in pain as the blast drives deep into his midsection.

I'll Name It After I Write It

2011-08-19T14:10:00.000-05:00

Here comes a regular blog post. No poetry this time and no prose with veiled meanings. This isn't a post that's a sample of some larger piece I'm writing nor is it a post about what I plan on writing (though it may stray to that at some point). No. This is a blog post like few I have done before. This will be just me talking about life and what's going down for me at the present moment. I want this one to be fun.

First off, the unstoppable train that is college has finished it's long stop in Graduation Town and is now chugging full steam ahead to Post Gradatopia, and I'm their precious cargo. I've been out of school since December (minus one summer class that wasn't hard at all) and my next battle with education is starting come 9am Monday morning, August 22nd (happy bday mom!). Yes, I begin my 9 hours of grad classes on Monday and I am not excited for school to start like I falsely believed I was in past semesters. I don't think it will be hard, the classes at least. What I do think will be hard is having to have a job where I will probably need to work every hour I am available so that I can afford to live. See, unlike previous years of college, this year I am paying for half of my tuition and my parents are paying the other half. I know that is still alot easier than some people have it but it's a first for me and I apologize if it doesn't seem as big of a deal to you as it does for me. I am also planning and trying to help pay for a wedding at the same time.

That's right, I'm engaged to be married. Her name is Jessica and she is beautiful and amazing and everything I could want in a woman. I can't go on about her on here without being uber cliche but everything would be so true. She's perfect for me and I deeply love her with all my heart. She is a woman who encourages me in God and believes in my abilities and tells me when I'm wrong. She's not afraid to put me in my place and she can handle me when I get a bit out of hand. She's funny and thinks I am too and our life together will be amazing.

What else do I have to add to this? Hmm.... I could talk about my writing. I did say that I might touch on that a bit at some point. See, I left myself an out so that I can go back to it and not be a liar. Ok, we'll touch on that a bit. Rolling through the semester from August to December last year I wrote 2 or 3 poems max. That was mainly due to the hefty load of writing I was doing for my screenwriting class where I was drafting my first full length script. It comes from the novel I started way back when I did NaNoWriMo that one and only time. Since then I have been tweaking and revising it a bit every now and again and haven't been writing hardly any poetry at all. The script is coming along nicely and I have 87 pages of it done but there is alot of room for improvement.

So that's me in these recent days. I hope that all of you who read this have a blessed day and that none of you fall for the blunders of the sleeping priorities you may have dismissed. Good bye.

Breathing Boys

2011-08-12T00:05:00.000-05:00

The wretch, the wicked

The deceiving dead

It fights, it fades

A sultry sin

Be gone the lost

Believe the rage

Become a virus

Defeat will stay

Fruitless cries

Falling campaigns

The horde still lingers

The flesh is drained

The bloodied, the battled

The breathing boys

It lives, it loves

A nocturnal noise

Be gone the hope

Believe the sane

Become the faults

War remains

Zombie

2011-08-05T18:35:00.000-05:00

You walked.

Synapses and actions
Moving you,
Further,
Louder.

I was frozen.
Stiffness and silence
Driving me,
Downward,
Slowly.

My watery eyes
And your rivers.
Flowing on,
Filling up.

They drowned us.
We died.
But still,
You walked.

Zombie Wars: Rules, Tactics and Regulations

2011-07-29T18:08:00.000-05:00

To begin, some of the rules of Zombie Wars are based on judgment rather than anything cut and dry. This is mainly due to the game originating at an after school program with children ranging in age from kindergarten to 5th grade. These rules have more solid standards, though that is not how the game is typically played.

Zombie Wars

The Beginning- The game begins with a single zombie. The person selected to begin as the zombie is the First Zombie. The infection begins with the First Zombie and spreads to the Human victims throughout each round. The last human infected in a round becomes the First Zombie of the next round.

Zombies- The zombies in Zombie Wars are slow moving though they are allowed to run for short bursts. The goal of the zombies is to spread their infection to the humans until there are no humans left in the game. They spread their infection by biting a human, stabbing them with an Infected Knife (see Blades bellow) or by throwing their infected blood into an open wound on a human.

To spread infection via infected blood zombies must have opened a wound on a human by scratching them. After opening the wound, zombies can sling blood into it if they have been struck, but not killed, by a weapon classified as a blade or a blunt weapon. If a zombie dies, either from gunshot or blade attack, then they no longer have a source of blood to spread to the humans. Zombies can also get blood from other zombies that have blade wounds.

For the blood to get into the wound sufficiently the zombie must be within a foot and a half when their arm is fully extended, having slung the blood at the human. This rule of distance is not hard and fast, it's a judgment call.

Zombie Tip: Attack from all sides to better your chances of infecting a human whose attention is split between several zombies.

Humans- Everyone who isn't the first zombie is a human. Humans can run as much as they want and have no limitations regarding physical movement. However, the equipment the humans have does have limitations on them.

Antidotes- When infected a person can receive an antidote to be turned back into a human. Time from infection is not a factor when using antidotes. An antidote can only be used on a person once per round. In other words, if you get infected then antidoted then the next time you get infected in that round you are permanently part of the First Zombie's undead army. If a zombie asks for the antidote they can't receive it at all for that round. Also, if a zombie refuses the antidote then they can't receive it at all for that round. Every human has an unlimited supply of antidotes.

Human Tip: Wait to antidote your friends until they are out of reach of other zombies or your efforts will be wasted.

Weaponry
Guns- Humans are allowed to have an assortment of guns, caliber and type don't have any particular bearing in the game. A standard arsenal is a pistol, a shotgun, and a rifle. The amount of ammunition for these weapons is pooled into one large sum. So in theory a human can use all their ammunition firing their pistol and have no ammunition left for their shotgun or rifle. The amount of ammunition is a complete judgment call. It is based on an honor system for the humans and when they feel as though they have used their set amount then they no longer use their guns. Zombies can also interject their opinions about the amount of ammunition left for each human though the final call is one both parties agree upon.

Zombie Tip: Focus on one human to make them use up all their ammo, blades are easier to avoid.

Blades- Humans can use a variety of weapons that are categorized as blades. These weapons include, but are not limited to, knives, swords, chainsaws, axes, etc. Three attacks from a blade weapon will result in a kill. The location of the attack has no bearing on the damage inflicted.

If the attack is made by way of throwing the knife then the zombie will have in their possession an infected knife. The infected knife can be used to stab a human to cause infection. The zombie can only stab the knife three times or throw it once. If the zombie is killed while in possession of the infected knife the zombie retains the knife upon his resurrection.

Human Tip: Don't throw knives.

Blunts- Blunt weapons are any weapons that are used to strike a zombie but do not use a blade. They are only limited by the imagination of the player choosing to use such a weapon. It takes five strikes from any blunt weapon to take down an undead foe.

Theses are the summation of the rules and regulations for Zombie Wars. The game is ever-changing and adaptations can be made at the players' will. Have fun and don't get bit!

To Have Loved...

2010-07-24T21:09:00.000-05:00

Last night lingered forever

And we were ending in its midst

I spoke
We divided
Now I quiver when I see her

Those looks that scream "Come stop me from leaving!"
And the words that were mouthed
Her face said betrayal and I can not stand myself when I see it
But I look at her every second
She hasn't left me

I've cried and wondered
Where are the imperfections now that I look back with 20/20 eyes?
Why has the world stopped?
What is there?
There is strength
And I must rely and remember
I love her and I must let her go

Still Rising

2010-04-16T11:02:00.000-05:00

If sights would help us live, we’d see worlds
We’d take those strange steps on salty lands
Conquering kings and living out lives
We would love the days far from our own
We’d warm together on nights so cold

But we are not people of travel
We won’t heal from ancient battlefields
Our wounds need more than ghosts of the Greeks
We burnt to ashes our withered world
And now we’ll die, the smoke still rising

Don't Fret

2010-02-22T10:55:00.000-06:00

Hello all. I'm working on several projects lately; things I'm quite excited about actually. I have a new novel I'm brainstorming about with my uncle Mike and brother Jacob. It's a zombie book that follows a 17ish year-old boy as he tries to find a reason and a way to survive his small town in Southern Oklahoma being overrun by zombies. He's pretty much the only one left in town that's alive. Another thing is my other novel that has been in the works for quite some time-it's about immortal spirit warrior guys... yeah. The zombie book is called Pure Water for right now and the other novel is called Spirit of the Lost and I have several sequels planned out for SotL.

Now, I've also written about 30 pages on a script for my screenwriting class this last semester, but as it always seems to go, I'm sorta burnt out on it. Despite that I still have 3 or 4 other script ideas I may get to working on at some point.

I haven't been updating this much and I couldn't tell you why. I have written plenty of poems and this entry right here is one I actually started in February. Yeah, February. It's crazy stuff and a crazy life. This summer I will be back home in Duncan, Oklahoma, because I couldn't find a job up here in my college town of Norman. It sucks having to crawl back home and take a job from Dad but it pays better than anything else I could do up here and I have a feeling that God has a reason for taking be back home. I hope people still read this and let me know what's going on in your life as it passes day by day.

Storms Arrive

2010-02-08T12:09:00.000-06:00

A tattered life lived alone

The limbs move like aching bones
Steady and stable despite the breaking
A wound is healed, the earth is shaking
Long gray skies scream with storms
The tree breathes heavy but holds its form
Our waking eyes see in flashes
"Will the storm betray us?" her lips like ashes
I've forgotten tomorrow in this tree's hold
It's the comfort of her that I truly know
"We face many winds and freezing times
But the tree is still standing and you're still mine

The Key

2010-01-25T13:05:00.000-06:00

I've been living in a lie

I've been losing in the night
Forgive these words
Falling absurd
You infect my mind
You stop, rewind
When I see you again
It's us in the end
Sincerity and control
Restraint and a hold
A kiss for more
We stop, restore
Over roads of black
No fiendish attack
Endeavors and dreams
They tear at their seams
You and me and a thousand days
Give up emotion, give in afraid

Myths of Past

2009-12-17T03:17:00.000-06:00

Like looking both ways on a one way street

It's an unnecessary recognition
Walking away from repeated needs
How can she debate on them and not see me
A fever wrecks my thoughts
Wishing that I was there
"I love you" echoing deeper inside
I'm moving on but idealization doesn't die
A thought will always call to her, as it does for another
When will I know it's real
How is this going to be returned
Living, living, hurting and dying
Wanting, wanting, waiting and trying
I've confounded this concept
This case calls for recess
It's dynamic and fooled
It's heated and cooled
Endings start the past
Tonight we won't last

Where To Be

2009-12-10T15:51:00.000-06:00

Impatience is a virtue for those who've waited too long

This endless hope need not go on
When will stability reign
When does pleasure take away pain
A black heat, hopeless
A racing beast, slowless
Do what you will
My heart is jaded, alone and steel
My words are said, it's all I need
Walk on in denial, it's over, relieved
The past returns in name alone
A warmth unfamiliar, feels like home
Your lips curl and a smile breaks silence
This is me revived, hopeful against defiance
Tell me again of those moments of old
When secrets were broken and hearts were told

To Live

2009-12-06T17:39:00.000-06:00

Tell me of love, of pain, of suffering

Tell me of times of joy lasting tirelessly
Speak those words of praise, divine reverence
It's time to face the lost
It's time to lose your will
Love lasts but dwells among desperation
How do you determine such commitment

Tell me of hate, of pleasure, of happiness
Tell me of those moments lost in investment
I'm fighting these choices when God is leading
Do I know Him as I should
His voice is set behind my own
I'm losing because I chase this path
I will soon lose the source I know
My future is uncertain, I've lost who I am
My potential is squandered

Tell me of choice, of future, of falling
Tell me my life is going, changing
Speak to me and don't let me go
But it's time to leave
It's time to break away
Tell me to dedicate
Tell me to live

Battle Recouped

2009-11-29T22:56:00.000-06:00

I breathe in the smoke. I walk in the fog. The battle has ended. Confusion is the victor. I stumble around with ringing in my ears. The bodies of my fellow soldiers lie around my feet. Forget trying to connect the moments past, the bombs broke them far beyond repair. History for me is reshaped. Maybe the earth’s history as a whole is shaken by a single gunshot. The structure of my life will never be the same.

I’ve walked miles now. Still lost in this field of pain. Still lost in the thoughts that are in me. I now know the ringing came from my thoughts, not the bombs around. The pistol feels molded to my hand. My grip is loose and lifeless yet the gun does not fall. The weapon is a part of me, or am I a part of it? I don’t know anymore; it’s been too many years. The consistency breaks when I enter the trees. Soldiers are running towards the field I have left. They are where I can’t see, only where I can hear. My heart sinks as I know what fate they are falling into. But I still can’t stop moving towards something else, something I do not know, something that draws me stronger and yet weaker than anything that has ever touched me before. I forget the pains inside my head. I walk into the light inside. The war has touched me in a most oddly freeing way.

I am Beckard Thomas and I am a warrior. I have long forgotten what side I fight for; I now only follow orders blindly. My gun fires with the deadliest of accuracy. Through my obedience and superb fighting skills I have acquired one of the highest ranks a foot soldier in this war machine can hold. This accomplishment is something I am neither proud of nor care about. My hands have taken lives far surpassing any number I would dare count… yet I don’t stop. I still follow orders. Or I should say I did follow orders. Now I walk. I only walk; it’s me alone with my metal hand of death by my side… and the staff. I didn’t remember it being there, my memory had long since lost its credibility to me and in turn it had lowered itself down to an almost unusable level. The staff was merely noticed by me when I leaned up against a tree and felt it pressing against my back as if to say “I’ll annoy you until you remember me.” I did remember some things about my past but they only came to me when I focused most of my energy on recalling those events. And still there were some parts of my life that I have never fully seen and some parts I don’t want to see.

Who am I? Am I Beckard Thomas? What was I before? During this war I had time to forget all that I was. I left my vague and jaded memory to rust in rest while I killed the memories of others. I let all the moments blur into a black haze in my mind. I had nearly forgotten how to recall them when my gasping mind reminded me.

Tell Me of Love

2009-11-12T23:22:00.000-06:00

I've thought on love and how it works, what it is. To me love can hardly be explained with intent. For me, the clarity of love comes through in a moment where I let myself go. The connection is made with no effort. Love is something elusive and amazing. Love is natural and unattempted. Love makes us feel alive. Love is a fire that burns our emotions and lets us know there is more out there than caring for ourselves. We love in the hopes that we are loved; in the hopes that we can be recognized as worthy of such an overwhelming and passionate feeling. As it says in the Bible, love is selfish. Love wants everything for itself; it wants all to be under its blanket of fire. I feel that for this reason, when two people find such a power as love between each other, they truly become one. Love binds us to another soul showing us that we are not animals; showing us that we are humans and showing us how much farther we can go than mere humanity. Love is everlasting and holy. Love is amazing and destructive. Love is kind and patient. Love is the universe created for the most cherished creation. Love breaks us into imperfect pieces only to meld us into unison with that other magnificently imperfect being that completes us. It brings us to a perfection lost in the human eye; a perfection seen only by the heart.

Miro and my brother

2009-11-06T02:47:00.000-06:00

My pup has grown quite a bit. Looking back at that other pic, he seems so gangly and not totally grown into his ears. Now his face has filled out and he looks much more awesome. I've been living quite nicely these past few months. No particular things come to mind to speak of.

My brother's football career came to an end with a season ending injury a few weeks back and his last two games are coming up these next two weekends. It's sad to see something like this head out after it having been such a big part of his life. He's played football since the third grade and I know it's gonna leave some sort of an empty feeling when it's finally over for good for him. I love my brother and I know he's a strong guy but I know he's gonna go through this in some sort of hard way. I've always looked up to and loved my brother. His hard work in football and school is something I have never been able to touch but I have always BIRGed off it. BIRG is a term I learned several years ago in social psychology and I've always used it in my head and now I'm gonna start saying it. It stands for Basking In Reflected Glory and it's the reason we always want to brag about our friends and family because we feel that their good qualities somehow reflect on who we are. So there's a little tidbit for ya. I BIRG off my big brother cause he is an amazing man of God and I love him.

I realize that this entry is a little scattered but that's how I think, in a scattered way.

Night Drive

2009-10-12T18:18:00.000-05:00

You are the weakness, my perfection
I'm searching for you, a dear reception
Timing counted up to this day
Driving and screaming, throw night away
We're something effortless, impossible if tried
I'm running to you but I run out of time
If this is it I'll gladly lose breath
Embrace the ending, for pursuit is death

Carry Out

2009-10-06T23:35:00.000-05:00

I've turned from desire
Lost and tired
She was a settled mind
Someone else's to find
I'm gripping on tendencies
Losing my realities
I make these eyes see
I force her words to be
Betrayed optimism
Wicked skepticism
Absent voices add to hope
I will never see clearly, vision choked
Romanticized
Idealized
Visualized
Realized

That Girl

2009-09-19T00:35:00.000-05:00

Break fresh unto my heart
A clouded night with clearness
Your words build me to hope for more
But my hope has been taken before
Is it possible for me to ever grow?
Must I sit in circles, losing time?
My years have been wrong if this is it
I've tried to fight, be slow, be smart
But waves engulf me
I know my passion and I know I value
Still it's difficult to see past myself
I don't know how many more times I can handle this
I've invested naturally for so long
I don't think it's possible with effort
I don't think I have the patience to try
This is a moment of loss, of grasping
But I want a lifetime of holding
Something to keep me together
I felt that
I know there's more
How do I embrace it?
She's true
She has to feel something
Is boldness my path now?
I am in a haze
I became whole with her touch
I awoke like never before
My thoughts are pulling to that name
That face
That smile
Those words
And reacting has never been harder

I'm Stable. I'm Okay.

2009-09-10T00:43:00.000-05:00

This night I felt a tumult
This day began to crumble
I pretend it's not happening
I cannot shake my trembling
Such mortality brought
Such stability rocked
It's a search for maybes
It's those empty phrases
The fire eats my heart
The emotions drag apart
After this it's humanity
After loss is insanity

It's Meant

2009-08-29T10:12:00.000-05:00

This habit is breaking apart my soul
Tasting heat, fighting pain, holding cold
Create a way to strike a nerve
Turning a beat, seeing disdain, writing a word
Save yourself from this investment regret
Saying defeat, losing my reign, lovingly met
Look to the signs and realize failure
Being replete, knowing shame, boldly tell her

Late Title

2009-08-05T07:13:00.000-05:00

I don't wanna force a post on here but lately I've not been in the writing mood. I haven't written a thing in a good long while. I know two posts ago I did an update but that was almost 4 weeks ago. These past weeks I've been at my job, just doing what I do. This summer has been lacking in adventure for me and I've really needed something to kick start things or just kick in general, lol. I'm pretty sure I've found that now.

Miro is getting quite big. I really look forward to having that little dude around for a good long while, I love my pup so much. He's just as smart as ever. He's learned to sit, lay down, stand on two feet, and he knew how to speak but now he doesn't do it anymore and I don't know why.

This post is really just so I don't feel like I've totally neglected my blog and those few who read it. So, I'm alive, I'm doing good, I'll be doing better, and I love you all. =]

When We Wake

2009-07-21T21:39:00.000-05:00

I've gotta die tonight

I've gotta live to fight
Times of desire break
Times of denial take

We pull into light
We push, contrite
Call and create
Kiss and debate

It's no time for might
It's not sound over sight
For you it's too late
For us, it's my fate

It's Time For A Word

2009-07-11T12:17:00.000-05:00

Ok, so life is going good for me. I'm really headed on the up and up. I've said that to a couple of friends recently, the up and up thing, and I really mean it. I really like the phrase and I got it from a Relient K song- such a good band. I've gone through some big, positive changes in these past few weeks. I really feel like I'm going in a great direction right now. I'm finding myself and learning to fix me before I try to get anyone else involved in any dedicated way. I have great friends that have helped me by understanding this and have also been a catalyst in some ways. The new people in my life have been completely amazing and I'm so glad that I've met them all. I'm sure you know who you are if you're reading this. I've grown close to people through the things I love to do and all in all life is going awesome. Keep it rolling all of you out there in the internets!

The Moment

2009-06-30T22:56:00.001-05:00

I want this to be amazing.

What is this?
My life needs to be blazing.
Will I burn?
This night mixes, failing.
Why is it here?
Winning is not telling.
How is this so?
This breaking is living
Who is there?
I'm growing by giving
Where are you?

And React

2009-06-24T12:13:00.000-05:00

She caught me slower

I feel it closer
A control on my love
A stream from a flood
Her steps go strayed
Releasing the waves
Do eyes match hers
Words made sure
She holds and leaves
Torn by defeat
Hope for fondness
No vain, just promise

For Breaks and Lies

2009-06-14T17:03:00.001-05:00

Don't address this as you think you must

The action inside is not what I trust
Included by birth and lost with love
I find nothing here more than a flood
Walk a street in the dead of night
Moon shine, stars dance, clouds fight
Claps of pounding echo my heart
Streaks, jagged and worn, tear apart
A thick pillow in my face
No eye for a familiar place
I stumble over words, bleed and bruise
Which did I mean, which did I lose
For you I live blind in silence
One touch will help me find this

You're Leaving Them All

2009-05-17T22:24:00.000-05:00

It's just like everything you do. Is this who you think you are? This speed rips past and you lose control. Rage courses in your blood and you have nothing left. With one chance to save us all I release my restraint and we break. I strike. You fall. We bleed. They call. I cannot believe that which you have become. It's something so much more than what I can proclaim. This switch, this scream, this life, this endless blaze takes me into its cold arms. I'm blinded in a situation so familiar. I'm searching the words with a bias. Why am I lost in such games? Time has proven to give me no insight into the opposing mind. Blood falls from my lips. I cannot win with my fists falling away. They move. We freeze. You run. I breathe. Letting you go brings those familiar painful songs. I will not hold this anymore. Maturity and boldness will encourage me. I will cope with this reality. There is nothing else I can do. All fight is gone. All blood is lost. This moon shadows my day. The heart falls apart. Investment in moments unsure was a fate that I took beyond. Never should I have left with nothing in now. Never again will I return to those follies.

The Only Other One

2009-05-07T21:37:00.000-05:00

I found myself here talking with heat at my ear. Words spill in selfish truth though I try to restrain. This could be an amazing time but I can't do it all for myself. She is the one that needs healing and love during these times. From which view do I send from? Friend? More? Less? I don't want to fall with those chains again. The threat frightens my heart. I have stepped on the stones that left me locked inside a place I can't control. Still this feels so much different than those past immaturities. I've controlled and listened and seen and held my spirit to restraint and sensibility. But now the remark of "I'm not sure anymore" screams through the strained concern. Excitement recreates a movement that could betray me. The switches click and she speaks to him. I bide and wait for the return message... I anticipate, I yearn. What will she spill onto the floor? What will I say in return? What will my desires cause amidst this? I hope the words I've heard from others will ring truthfully. She creates in me a calm and vigor. She brings me out and keeps me contained. She holds me to earth and lets me fly. But what else is there to do? I've got nothing left here, nothing to give away or lose. The breaking glass shot through my thoughts. Their glimmers taught me the moment's value. I lean down and forget my voice. I hide these thoughts for the time immediate. Maybe one day I can speak of these moments. Tell an ear that I trust. Hear her inside my words. But now my throat is locked. The only other thing I have is time. The only other one is a mystery.

Another Quit

2009-04-26T23:40:00.000-05:00

Fire eats at the metal

Dust and death begin to settle
No thought, no judgment
No need, "I wanted"
Rip and destroy, blood departs
A pumping, beating, losing heart
A blackness seen
Light lost in me
I failed in faith
These months I waste
His hand still reaches
Too scared to meet this

Last Night

2009-04-19T17:06:00.001-05:00

A light shines,

It breaks these clouded eyes.
I cover myself,
A glass is no disguise.
I lose my mind to you,
It's true.
The ringing remarks,
The truest thoughts.
Against my actions,
I continually fought.
Reality screams,
I can't face my deeds.
Tilt the glass,
Pour the wine.
This liquid drains,
I'm gone in time.
I feel a need to end it soon,
I feel a need to move.
To what ends I would go,
To what heights I would seek.
I couldn't hold on,
I faced my defeat.
Girl, you are gone,
I pushed you away.
You aren't coming back,
It's over, I fade.
I'm closed,
I'm finished,
I'm done with this.

Attack, Retreat

2009-04-07T00:33:00.000-05:00

A no revolution outlook betrayed

Faded glass dims the day
I heard you call but I know not the answer
My lies eat me away, destroy me like cancer
Violent stabs into my side
A judgment received, the pain is mine
Careful time makes for distraught
My words are failing, I'm left with not
I force inspiration more than ever
The days of old are gone, the moments untethered
I'm going to wait for another dream
Something amazing I've yet to be
Tonight it could come, bringing emotion
Interpretation from vision, insight to devotion

Conditioned Fool

2009-04-01T01:58:00.000-05:00

I'm your fool to lose tonight. The cruelest of tendencies will push me now. Never again will I see clearly- you've blotted my eyes. I've broken out the dangers inside this link between. I have walked this road many times before. I don't know if it's love- far too soon to give that word another thought. I don't want to play this song and fail to catch it's meaning. I've immersed myself within it's melodies and never found a life to live. I know the ramblings heard are not mysteries so contained tonight. I've read each line before, lived each minute to its fullest and not found a breath of my own. I can't know where I'm to lead this next step we might take. Do I wait? Will you? Timing is everything in this game of guess and dare. Your signals are sent but cut with a double edge. From which do I bleed? I cannot know, I never have. One attack will give the answer, whether right or wrong. My choice is limited. Patience is not my forte. This day I will not fool myself. This day I will calm my soul. This day I will break the pattern. Tomorrow I'll smile with you. Tomorrow I'll be new.

Hold Sight

2009-03-22T19:22:00.000-05:00

Can you grip a heart to save a soul? Dancing forever to change my reluctance. I am reckless and destroying, changing the fight. This ticking moment betrays my patience, banning me from the desolation I wish to repair. Along a solitary path I wage war against myself, retreating the beast and pouring wind ripped heat onto the wounds in my flesh. I’ve lost the days of rest, which broke the weary chains that pulled me deep into a sea of clouded black. I’ve wandered around the truth, avoiding its sting to my prideful flaws. I indulge my weaknesses, giving to them the means to survive; the means to pull me further beneath the cold touch of regret. I’ve wept and screamed. I know the way to destroy this but I have yet to fire the shot. The heated metal could fly from my gun, ripping through the heart of those who oppress me, but my wavering hand tells of the fear I am made of. Where would I find the courage to squeeze the trigger? I can’t continue with my solitude. I need the change. A walk in awakening towards a melting of impurities may be a start to continuance. These moments will revive in me a passion that has escaped my hand. Don’t watch me crash into fiery disruption; I won’t survive without your words, your embrace, your breath, your touch.

Down, Fall

2009-03-11T01:11:00.000-05:00

Baby, just leave me heartless now

Cut apart my words as you hear
This is all I ever could hope for
Just a touch from the flames
End it this way so I can fade
Burning me to a finish
I'll release my hope
Lose memories
Lose my time
My mind
I'm gone

Shift of Life

2009-03-03T23:55:00.000-06:00

I ordered an HD camera yesterday! I epically twisted my ankle today! I didn't take an exam today! I'm taking an exam Thursday!

Well my life is typically dull, the same level anyone else would probably evaluate their own life as. I think the reason some people are bored is cause they don't change their life enough. I mean, that's a very obvious observation but life is something we live everyday and the patterns we have can, and do, get really boring as they droll on day by day, unchanging. So once in a while we should wake up early, go take a walk before getting ready for work or school, go to a diner for a nice dose of energizing coffee and pancakes, wake up late so you have to hurry around more than usual, challenge yourself to take a faster shower (that would also be a good way to save on water). We could come home from class or work and instead of walking to the couch, computer, or wherever, turn on some music and dance! We could use some spice of life, some invigorating changes, risks taken, ordering something new from the menu instead of the all too comfortable fettuccine alfredo. Use different words. Learn new ones. Look up old ones and let the freshness of the uncommon phrase livin' things up a smidge. Live it up, make tomorrow a day of difference, a day of newness. I for one am gonna start rustling my neatly arranged feathers of life and hit up some random diner where the waitresses are named Flo and they are almost too friendly with their habit of calling you "Hun" or "Babe" as they refill your mug with the blackest of awakenings. Join me.

By the by, this is not at all what I intended to type when I started. I was gonna talk about a sprained ankle, a new camera, and 789 NYC. Things change though, and change is good ; )

Count My Heed

2009-02-21T03:04:00.000-06:00

Captain screams "Retreat to safety!"

Evasive maneuvers engage in me
Training embedded as part of you here
Our hearts give out, our bodies fear
Responsive actions rule us now
With this we are blind to the sound
No past kept for memory's sake
No time lost when we awake
Our world is not what we should know
A shutdown threatens mechanical throes
But for now we break and I am lost
Maybe our hearts are better off

A Day For Valiance

2009-02-14T13:59:00.000-06:00

Who do the lonely love?

Where do they hide their hearts?
When to they reach the wall?
When do they fall apart?
Will love be drawn?
What's in all this pain?
Does it live alone?
Is it an elusive gain?
A day for nothing?
Another hour passed?
How much time is left?
More than the lost can last.

Oh, what's this I'm on? Looks like.. yep, it's a bandwagon.

2009-02-05T18:37:00.001-06:00

Username:

BooderMcDoo

Why did you pick it?:

I have no idea how I came up with it. Something I randomly made up for AIM.

Who did you first subscribe to?:

tubopopcorn. I actually made my account solely to subscribe to the channel.

Who did you most recently subscribe to?:

Dayviideo

What does your last text message say?:

"i wasnt planning on coming home until saturday anyway."

Do you have any goals?:

Lose more weight. Get to 1000 subs this year. Go to another YT gathering.

What was the last thing you bought?:

Milk, cran-grape juice, wheat thins and a few other random gorceries.

Describe the person who posted this using one line?:

Several peoples around the interwebz.

Are you excited about anything?:

There is something but lately I've been forgetting the source of my excitement.

Do you have a crush?

Yes, yes I do.

Have you ever been drunk?:

No sir I have not.

Who was the first Youtube you met in real life?:

drakesizzle, my boy!

Who was the last Youtuber you met in real life?:

I think maybe caithead?

Do you pefer day or night?:

I'd probably go with nighttime.

Are you a member of any collab channels?:

A former member of two: 7ppl (what a treat that was) and TheLifeRefresh (that one just kinda died out)

Do you have a secret account?:

Yes I do. I think there are only two people that know about it. Haven't put a video on there in a while, though.

Do you believe in God?:

I talk to Him everyday.

Which youtuber do you talk to the most?:

nanalew and the former emmers77 (now filmdekrentz)

Which Youtuber do you think makes the best videos?:

In my opinion, waverlyflams is very consistent and I love that. Them or collegehumor.

You may only subscrie to 5 channels and only watch their videos. who will they be?:

drakesizzle
nanalew
collegehumor
waverlyflams
wheezywaiter

Are you in a relationship?:

Nope.

would you date a smoker?:

Nope.

Where is your favourite place?:

Recent memory tells me to say Huntington Beach but I debate between that and the Haaj house where all my buddies live and where I hang every weekend.

Are you a happy person?:

Tired but happy.

Would you kiss the person who posted this?:

There's more than one and I am no serial kisser.

What would you take to the desert island? :

Plenty of food, a lot of books I've wanted to read, music and Les Stroud

Do you prefer sun or snow?:

Half and half.

Who did you last speak to on the phone?

The auto repair shop lady.

Who did you last text?:

The Moms.

What are you doing tommorow?:

One class and then work.

What is your favourite flavour of potato chips?:

I likes them regular style.

What size are your feet?:

What do you want?:

Some clarity and someone for Valentine's.

What do you need?:

To not be lazy and do what I know to do.

What do you remember?:

I remember my bike is broken and I have to walk to class tomorrow =(

What do you wish?:

I wish I were rich and didn't have to deal with school.

Confess:

I'm a very insecure person about the things I do and the relationships I have. There's something for ya.

Honesty. Do you want people to anonymously post what they REALLY Think of you ?
Hit me with it! I'm game.

Well Now

2009-02-02T23:26:00.000-06:00

I'm a bit disappointed in myself. Since the end of nanowrimo I haven't written a thing on any of my stories. Today I read through what I had written on Spirit of the Lost, the novel I started for nano, and it made me really want to write more on it. I don't know why I can't motivate myself to write. I have the story all laid out and I have every event in the story planned in sequence (except for one small part) but I never make myself sit down and write it. If I were to just sit down and write for 2 hours I would get so much done.

Anywho, doneskis with that part for now. On to something new.

Ummm.... Not sure what else I want to write about now. Ooh, I've seen two really good movies recently. Slumdog Millionare and Taken are both really awesome movies. They're amazing and are now two of my favorites. Not much else in the life of me. I know I'm not too entertaining but hey, at least I know it.

Classes: meh
Job: cool
Weekends: revive me
Tomorrow: some hope

Here's a random picture for you all

Time To Be Normal

2009-01-21T03:00:00.000-06:00

Conditional lies

Why compromise
A day of history
She has taken me
Bricks build and break
Words inspire and shake
A world of eyes
The voices rise
I sit surrounded
Alone and empty-handed
Remove me now
Drown it out
Conclude this story
No loss, no worry

Because

2009-01-15T01:27:00.000-06:00

Ok here goes something written purely for the sake of having it documented somewhere. It’s not in response to anything anyone has said and it’s not born out of something that I’ve experienced recently. It’s about the meaning of my poetry in relation to my current state of mind or mood.

I began writing poems in English class my sophomore year of high school. I only wrote them because it was an assignment but I soon found poetry to be an outlet of expression for me. I started writing about some things going in my life that were confusing to me and very heavy at the time. This is where most of my early poetry came from; it was all based on the present moment. I wrote many, many poems over the same subject. Each poem was derived from a different event or moment or word that I experienced within the larger frame of a yearlong search- a search for something I never found. I could draw on the emotions I had at the time and pour those out onto paper in the form of my early poems. I became very good at using these emotions as fuel and I can still easily draw on these emotions of the past to write passionately in the present. I look at it as exercise. I worked out my “poetry muscles” early on and got them attuned to writing about one thing and I have still yet to forget how to write about it. I’ll occasionally come out and write about the past to exercise those muscles so I don’t get out of shape in writing.

So some of my writings will be about past events and do not reflect my current state of mind. I write about the familiar. I do write about my current feelings far more than the past. Sometimes I feel like I need to write but have nothing in the present potent enough to generate a writing so I will draw upon my reserves and write about the past. I’m sure this is what all writers do and I don’t think I’m some unique poet in that I do this; I just wanted to say it for its own sake. And since my poetry is posted on a blog, which is meant to be filled with current thoughts, views, events and whatnot, I felt I should say not all entries are directly related to my current state of mind… which is something I think you all might already know. Anywho, I just felt like writing this.

Air Ahead

2009-01-14T01:29:00.000-06:00

We know it
A return to
Sweetness sleeps
Dreams defeat
Past retaken
No signs mistaken
Smiles reaching
Love teaching
Learn again
Together defend
Failure before
Damage restored
Relief to me
A step to free

California

2009-01-10T04:04:00.000-06:00

22 Travel

Running from, chasing down
The sun reaching every town
Closing eyes, open lands
Begging love in gasping hands
Stepping out, changes grow
Days too short, I won't let go
Words more than their sake
Breaths held not to break
Hold again a thousand discomforts
A moment here brings all wonders

Flip Roll
You leave me closing out from spinning black
Beauty repeated
Death retreated
Coming to show a broken heart
No way this is for me
A chance begins, passion induced
I want to cry
Fall and scream
Believe me
I'm lost tonight

Down And Gone

2008-12-28T23:44:00.000-06:00

Conquest for commanding's sake.
From then we drank of putrid mistakes.
Radiating out to call a father.
Taking an aim.
Firing.
Not her.
Cripple a leg, lose an eye.
Fight the good fight.
Fight til you die.
Cryptic picks of loosening lips.
Rebuilding a life amid harbored ships.

Cold and Confident

2008-12-16T12:23:00.001-06:00

Final exams and icy roads. Every year that I have been in college it has snowed or iced over in the middle of finals week of the fall semester. I know it's not that weird but it never really starts to even get cold until finals week. I mean, it was 70 degrees last week and now the roads are frozen! Thank you, Oklahoma, for the lovely craziness you give us in our final weeks of torture. We all really appreciate it....

Summer's Fall, Winter's Spring

2008-12-13T01:55:00.000-06:00

In it all I worked and labored to gain sight

I went to the car, sat in newborn light
Dread for hours I should be gone
Finish this up, fly through dawn
It kept me stable but left me lifeless
Those around bore my witness
Three returns later I fell into loss
The emotional strain was too much a cost
Slowing soon gave me back an eye
Forever I walk, to this I die

Turn A

2008-12-08T04:33:00.000-06:00

Baby divide

Maybe we fall
Tonight we torture
Slightly secure
Join into days
Mourn separate ways
Caress the time
Best will hide
Court the reflex
Short in digest
Stride out
Find wrong
Different futures
Singular song

Moderation, Please

2008-12-01T14:35:00.000-06:00

Why do I find myself lost in this situation, searching for ornamentations? It’s losing inside that I despise, falling short and embracing a worthless demise. Hold me together by the edge of my will. I understand that nothing is coming in spite of my everlastingly stubborn hope. Forging again some endless ties, fighting against leaking spies. Don’t attempt to abandon the post; I won't hold down the fort even in using everything I own. My time is wasted and more often, now, forgotten. I need to step onward lest I betray the words, the knowledge lent to me from those around. Where would I carry on if I could break a moment out of myself? Move away and examine the body inch-by-inch, day-by-day, flame-by-flame. The paper rain will always tear into my soul forever leaving me bloodless and wretched cold. I fall for foreign ties and lose my mind when I can see where I need to be. Mere words on a page birth tears in my heart sharing in a future that I am taking apart. I tangle myself with threads of certainty sewn into defiance. I look away, giving an ear to blackness, throwing out subtleties with an anti-delivery of intent. A mile, a yard, an inch away life will change. I yearn for this chance and I want the freshness to heal my bones, refuel my core and leave me helpless within the surrounding danger. Uninhibited and nonsubtle. Passionate and obsessive. Where will this lead? I haven’t a clue to tell. Why do I need? A mysterious something inside me dwells. Who will I plead? Losing my sight, locked in hell.

Great Aspirations

2008-11-24T18:42:00.000-06:00

i have so many dreams, so many desires of things i want to be. despite all this i barely pursue many of the dreams i have. why is that? i cant say cause i dont know myself. i want to be a famous actor but i havent done any acting. i want to be singer/song writer but i dont sing, play any instruments or write any songs. i want to invent something amazing and revolutionary but i never try to build things to solve problems. i want to be a successful and well-known writer... and im trying at that one pretty good. i have three short stories ive worked on some (though not any time recently) and now im writing for nanowrimo which is working out really well right now. at least in the way that it has me thinking and writing about something and getting ideas floating. i may only have just under 9k words but i feel the potential for so much more... i just dont sit down and write all that much. i could easily shoot out a good 6k words if i sat down and just started typing, i could do that tonight, right now, i have the ideas and event going in my head that would fill that and much more. but i dont do it. its hard for me to make myself write and i dont know why. i could so easily finish the 50k if i wrote on this like i can. i could get the remaining 41k or so in these final days but i cant seem to ever make myself do it. i mean, im writing this when i could be using all this for my nano. i dont know. nothing to blame but myself really. ok, well thats all i really have for now.

My One Minute

2008-11-08T13:51:00.000-06:00

Can a breath even save me?
Air within burning lungs
An old age destroying the young
What does a jolt of life do?
My heart increases pace
In a moment of silence, I am safe
Should a single day define all history?
Stretch me to leave behind
I trace my hopes, regret my lies
Will words be important as the catalyst to movement?
Lost in a stare of imperfection
This life remains a mere animation
Must man create his own trap?
One truth, one life to live it
I've been gone forever in only one minute

A Flight Of Force Left For You

2008-10-31T15:14:00.000-05:00

Slow, will it ever be
Grow, still it is for me
Lost, more here and gone
Cost, short of nothing strong
Force, making a sort of rush
Course, taking on a new trust
She, rip into my sun
We, grip tightly our gun
Fight, close the words now
Night, woes reign on down
Cover, crush me on stone
Lover, must remain bitter cold

Where Was I?

2008-10-23T22:50:00.000-05:00

Books... That's all I can attribute my lack of presence anywhere and everywhere at this point. I've been in the midst of a series by Orson Scott Card. It's actually two series... kinda.

The first part follows Ender in a four book quartet:

Then the second set follows another character from the first book (Ender's Game) named Bean:

These are the books I'm finishing up. I just finished Shadow of the Hegemon and have started Shadow Puppets. I don't have Shadow of the Giant yet but I will obtain it soon enough. There are other books within the same universe that are soon to come out which I will greedily snatch up. But until that point and when I've finished what has been published I will begin reading the Dragonriders of Pern series by Anne McCaffrey, or at least Dragonflight, Dragonquest and The White Dragon. After that is finisehd I will start the Twilight series. I don't know where I'm gonna go after that though.

Smoke

2008-10-12T20:30:00.000-05:00

Set me up and let the fire blaze.

I’ll walk in despite, I’ll long for a gaze.
Deep and far with me, I’ve lost a normal part.
Its moment lingering amongst fire, yet in dark.
Smoke blinds, forces nomadic retreats there.
A wind is blowing me about in a tumult of fear.
Worth wait in the desire of control.
You’re love may not be a sacrifice I wish to bestow.
Kill us with interjection, interruption, desperation.
These are what I’ve had inside for lifetimes in spite of damage.
Can it ever be restored from a beast? That pain it must lavish.
Don’t answer within this day, I don’t know where I’ll end.
My companion restoration has nothing left to defend.

Blades In Stone

2008-10-02T21:52:00.000-05:00

A light brightens though I try to close my eyes

I must determine wholly if I truly wish to survive
Not such desperation, that won't work for me
I've valued it too much, I need myself before we
Said but not completely done
The Word to read when she will come
God guiding when I should look, where I should listen
At the moment opportune, from me the evil will be stricken

I don't do this much...

2008-09-29T14:46:00.000-05:00

i hardly ever really post stuff about whats going on in my life, at least not in any direct or formal manner. not in the manner that a blog is typically thought of. i think its cause i dont feel im very good at expressing myself so directly. my thoughts are just so random that i cant stick to one topic long enough to get anything adequate about it written. but lets give it a go today.

ive been hittin the dcTalk and Newsboys pretty hard lately and its bringing some hard love feelings back. it makes me long for the relationship i know i used to have with God. lately ive slid back and have yet to return to Him. i know with Him everything is better, i catch glimmers of it in times of meditation... but those have been far too momentary and far too sparse. i want to say now, at this moment, that im going to turn around and be stronger and more seeking and more deeply immersed in God than i ever have... but ive said this before... i must forget that, i cant let the past pull me down. God no longer cares about what ive done, he has forgiven me. my memory of my imperfection and the fact that it is being a stumbling block for getting to God is a device of satan that i do not fight very well. i know im unworthy but that should be a bigger reason for going to God, letting Him clean me. fearing and remembering that which God has forgiven is in itself a sin and something in a song really spoke to me and pointed that out at a very crucial moment to me: "You're greatest sin is not the abortion that you've asked forgiveness for, or the adultery, or whatever it is that you did in your life in the past that you're ashamed of, that keeps hounding you. You're greatest sin is not that! You're greatest sin is not believing God's word when God says "You're forgiven!" You're greatest sin is unbelief. You want to repent of something, friend? Stop repenting of sins that you've already repented of, and repent of your unbelief." (Voices by House of Heroes). i know deep inside of me i feel like the sins of my dark past have separated me from God. i have asked for forgiveness, yet i still feel unworthy. i feel He has relieved them from me but my being human naturally makes me remember. i am only a "mere man". God, help me to be more.

i guess i can focus after all.

Burst Rate [working title]

2008-09-25T18:02:00.000-05:00

Let me start this off by saying this is my first attempt at a more planned out story with actual dialogue rather than just a poetic narrative or prose. I'm not much of a dialogue writer. It typically seems to come out awkward. But take note that the dialogue in this story is meant to be a bit unnatural and floaty, kinda like an ideal romantic verbal expression. That's what I'm trying for, I don't know if I got that. Some parts are kinda awkward to read but this is a very rough cut. There's going to be more... at some point. Tell me what you guys think. Oh and this is also a bit autobiographical, basically all my writing is:

“She gave me nothing,” he screamed at the past set above his head. “Why did I let her control me?”

The look on Reagan’s face was of the utmost pain and betrayal. The tears from his eyes crept down his face combining with the sweat from this distraught. Two months ago he knew what he was doing. Two months ago he knew what he wanted. Two months ago… he had her.

He saw Katee while he sat in the park at his usual spot by the pond. It began with him looking up at some movement in the corner of his eye. He noticed it was just another pretty girl walking by so he went back to his writing. Then he saw her. The quick glance up at her did not give his brain time to process the details of what he saw. Short moments of reflection allowed him to know what she was. His head rose slowly and he looked up at her once more. Frozen. Stuck. Motionless. He was locked in place by every detail of her. Any part could occupy his time and control his gaze for longer than he should actually look, but by combining all her parts into one sole being, God had made a vision that took Reagan completely. He lost control. He stared with his mouth gaping open in all obviousness of his infatuation.

“Why do you look at me so?” She broke his stare with her simple inquiry.

“I … I’m lost in you,” his words were pure and would travel to new and unknown levels in the near future.

The romance started suddenly. Fast and mysterious were the connected moments between these destined two. Their first date was a return to the place where Reagan had fallen into Katee’s eyes. They sat in the park on the bench watching the white, pure clouds above. As they viewed the pieces of heaven overtop, it was as if they were looking through one another’s eyes.

“No one has ever been able to see my same visions when I look above,” a confused and enamored Reagan sputtered out.

Katee looked at him with her delicate face and when she spoke her voice sounded like what Reagan believed heaven must feel like, “I too have never experienced something as this. Destiny may have brought us here today.”

Reagan silently agreed but could do nothing more than smile and nod as he drank in Katee’s beauty. She was a dream. Would he wake up? His heart told him no. He knew this was a forever sleep for him… and he needed the rest.

As he felt love wash over him he knew Katee was what he was going to dedicate himself to for the rest of his life. His efforts as such went unnoticed once before. His strength had been drained of him in past experiences.

Joshua Reagan was a quiet and passionate man who often found himself completely enthralled in singular events. He analyzed them over and over trying to find any detail, any word, any crack that he may point to and say, “There! That is the sign I need!” These analyses were his main source of inference when it came to reading the actions or words of the most befuddling opposition he ever faced: women. Women in Reagan’s life were always elusive and confusing. He rode into each encounter with them armed and ready to read yet he failed every time. His lack of self-confidence in his words was his largest and most overwhelming flaw. Conversations were typically one-sided with Reagan being the silent listener, ever afraid to make any utterance. Inside his mind he always had things to say but he debunked them before they could come out. Most or all of his opinions and words were judged intricately and unfairly prior to being released to another. This was especially prominent with any women that merited some sort of romantic interest in Reagan’s mind. So his silence closed him off and allowed him little chance to obtain any sort of true romantic companionship from any of the billions of women in the world, save two.

Something Is Here

2008-09-22T01:17:00.000-05:00

As I walked into my house the chill of realization shook my calm. A sudden and polar switch in tempo took my thoughts. The night that I was previously in, full of fun and happiness was quickly dispersed in a mere instant. I can’t say there was surprise as I realized the intrusion had come. I had denied the truth of this moment for so long but now it broke its way in, past my false securities. Standing there, staring at the back door I had ignored for years, I heard that familiar noise and I knew what was next. Turning around, I faced that wretched beast, the one I had only fought with tactics of ignoring. Before I spoke I was slammed into the walls, my brain jarring within my skull and my eyes falling into a glazed darkness. I awoke in indescribable shame. I stood up; my legs were wobbly and weak. My mind was still a little hazy but it began to clear. I had failed again. I knew I would. The reality of this soon washed over me with overwhelming force. I collapsed back to the floor in tears. The lies I fed myself about having overcome this shattered as if they were never there.

In the moments of peace without the beast, I convinced myself it was gone for good. Deep within me, though, a small yet sturdy voice spoke with veracity. The true strength of the beast was in the abundance of peace it allowed me to have, but therein also rested its greatest weakness. With its persistent absence, the dark creature allowed my mind to forget the threat it presented. It employed the strategy of out of sight, out of mind, if you will. This worked marvelously against me. I gladly rested in my blindness. I was grateful he allowed me that much. But the peace soon became shorter, his attacks more frequent. He began bombarding me heavily and constantly. And then he would stop. For weeks at a time, longer than he ever had before, he would stop. The inconsistency in what I had learned to be consistent twisted me. I fell into a calm yet wild mindset. I began to just sit, drinking in the time without those horrid moments of brutality. I almost waited for them, almost wanting them to come so I had something familiar. I was on the edge of giving in to the monster and letting him take me whole. But a small flame flared up around me. Soon it roared forth and melted the darkness away. My home that I had harbored the beast at was gone. I was free. I began again. My life was flourishing as it had before the darkness had found me. Then tonight came. The beast found me. I had done nothing to prevent it. But now I’ve had enough. He meets his end tonight.

Like all things in this world, the impossible monster I battle must rest. I knew this and I used that time to rest myself, always knowing what I should be doing. You see, in his sleep, the creature is vulnerable. He is weak. He is exposed. And as I sat there on the floor, hot tears running down my face, I determined what I would do. I stood up boldly shaking all the weakness from me. Though the darkness the creature brought with him still lingered in my home I found what I was looking for, because I knew… I knew exactly where it was. I paused for a moment as I felt disappointment in myself. I knew exactly where it was… the whole time. All these years, I knew exactly where it was. I knew exactly how to use it. I knew exactly when I should use it. But I did nothing. As I drew the sword from its sheath it glimmered in the light. The light? By merely removing the weapon from its holding place the remaining darkness of the beast fled, revealing a brilliant light I used to know so well. I steadied myself and stepped out the back door. I had never seen where the monster slept but somehow I knew. My feet guided me while my mind remained curious as to where I was headed. By the time I realized I had stopped walking I must’ve already been there for some time. I had felt where the soft ground had sunken down significantly under my weight. And there he was. Sleeping fast and hard with his crooked mouth contorted into a smile. No doubt he was smiling from his recent triumph over me. My anger swelled and I raised my sword above my head. As I thrust it down into the beast’s neck I felt specks of blood hit my face. I didn’t care. I pulled the sword out violently and swung it down to chop off the head of my oppressor. The screams that were released from its mouth did not come as a singular voice but a voice of many. Steam rose from the warm blood as it met the cool night air. I stood there motionless for hours; blood still on my face. Then the rain fell washing my sword and me clean. I felt relief, amazing relief. But deep down I knew there would be more battles still. I knew this fiend was no unique creature; it was merely the sordid device of some greater evil. An evil that I know has no plans to slow its assault….

(I posted this on my MySpace a while ago but I decided to post it here too)

Bookmark

2008-09-16T01:44:00.000-05:00

The last moments they find me tired
Fighting sleep and trying against fire
To where I'm heading, leaving alone
Checking over and over a silent phone
When, why, what, who will be salvation?
Come with some words, more integration
Did today happen as planned?
Is there something to be in my hand?
I hope for her and think of many
A sign so obvious, please clear me

Theory

2008-09-10T15:24:00.000-05:00

Does it work this way?

Will I fall or Fade?
I'm turning around
I'm determining now
This moment calls me to such
I've lost many battles but the Lord lifts me up
I believe this next week's end will bring some good
On my part I will do as I should
It's so much easier when things are in order
Let's build the walls back up, faith as our mortar

(secret: make Mark of the Question below... carefully)

2008-09-08T11:36:00.000-05:00

What's worth it?

2008-08-28T13:26:00.000-05:00

I'm taking a break....

Sleepless Now

2008-08-20T04:36:00.000-05:00

Punches flew and rage covered the night. I lost. Broken, angry, twisted and tired. I’ve lost the moment and can’t pick the real from habit anymore. The storm never stops pouring on me. Moments relieve my blankness but there is never enough to hold me over where I can catch my breath. I see her; I return. I lose her; I run. I grow bored; another plays me. Her touch is enough to weaken me. I know what it is. I know where it comes from. I don’t know where it goes. It frustrates and darkens my days. Why are there always walls in my way? Can’t she come and meet me at some point? I want her to say something. I want her to give the words I’ve merely dreamt of. It’s so easy to speak her name but for the sake of my heart I will now keep silent. Yet I’m going to go real with you: a truthful time in this poetic rambling. I hide behind these words too much and they merely create more frustration, as I cannot relieve the true words that lead a directed path for you. Always I have had the door opened. Always I have had the name on the front covered. You see my deepest thoughts yet the source they stem from is not there for direction. Now I close the door and let you orient. Now you will hear my words spoken simply from my mouth. Listen close; I speak soft and only once.

I’ve loved her forever. I feel like she was always there in me, I just had to find her. You’ve seen the night I fell for her; I’ve posted that for you to see. But I never spoke of the return I have been so habitual in committing. I will get determination in me and tell myself “I’m done with her,” but it only ever lasts until I see her again, hear her again, touch her again. I’m lost in this. It spins me every time. I know I want her but I just can’t seem to ever get to her. What am I to do? Will she always elude me? Will there ever come a moment when she says, “I want more”? This battle has drained me hard to the core and I cant stand to keep on fighting. I want answers. I know I can find them in God but I am stupid and impatient. My human side wants answers now and I know I don’t receive them cause I am not ready. Still that does not quell my desires for her to come to me one day. I don’t even know if that day will come. I really am lost now. Emotions in me are fluttering deeply in the dark side of pain. I border on depressive moments, not directly due to the situation with her but more due to my self-fighting and lack of reliance on God. See that’s where it feeds itself. I know what I need but I ignore it all the time. As a result I continue to spiral quickly into darkness. I experience moments and feel elation and joy in those months but I have shown Satan my cracks and he digs his claws in me and rips away. I want to cry. I want to sleep. I don’t want to sleep for it means facing another scrambled day. I don’t think she would be the solution to all these problems; I need to solve them before she comes… if she does. I will organize and therein I shall find the answers. I must turn to God but it feels so easy to wallow in pity and tears. Days come where I don’t want happiness; I feel unworthy of it. No matter how many lamps I turn on I’m in darkness and pain. God, come to me now and refresh me and make me strong to face this and find your answer with her. I love you and need you. Clean me and take this waste from my heart and mind. I give myself all to you now. Remember your promises, oh Lord! Your faithfulness and mercy will bring me through anything in my way. You will never allow me to fall so deep that I can’t overcome the depth. You are all I need forever and I want You now!

Begin The Countdown... Start At 888

2008-08-14T18:21:00.000-05:00

888 was a beginning of something. I felt it. Drake felt it. We talked about it. We planted seeds. I don't want to call it a revolution cause that sounds violent and self-righteous. I'd call more of a return to the early times. That's what we need now. No more singular mindsets. No more celebrity walls being put up. No more separation. Communication is key. Talking, conversing, bringing the community feel and equality back into focus. It will take work. It will take searching. It will take time. But it can be a great positive change. This is something I feel very strongly about. Something we both feel very strongly about; something that we are going to begin this. We aren't as much like others, full of talk and heavy words lacking action. We won't try to inspire by phrases, we will be examples by movement. It will be spoken of and it will be spread. The return is going to be wonderful, the return will be difficult.

Lost Notes

2008-08-12T23:34:00.000-05:00

The song waivers and falters and flees from my mind.
My grip squeezes tighter but nothing doing, I'm out of time.
Fighting the tears and cold I can't leap into unknown.
What am I to do if all I've loved is not for me?
Can I begin again with my passions drained?
Her name, her eyes, her hair, her voice.
A flame livens when any come to me.
Being forced into the world makes me feel lost.
What of these counters to what I have thought?
Help surely will find me, before I fail and die.
Keep it together now, it's far too much to entertain.
A hug, a kiss, a smile, a touch.
Bring me knowledge and assurance.
Can it be tomorrow today?

The Kings of Canadian Transit

2008-08-12T01:50:00.000-05:00

Drake and I got our free transit passes upon our arrival to the science on 888-that is when our rule over the city with an iron fist began. Within the first few hours of examining our maps we became experts of the Toronto streets and how to get to anywhere in the city. We knew which buses to take and how long it would take to get anywhere we wanted. We were asked several times for directions by other tourists and we answered with confidence that even exceeded some of the locals' sense of direction. When we return to Toronto [which is looking to be steady and strong possibility] we will only further our prowess in the Kingdom we have departed from for the time being. We were rulers of our destinations, we were The Kings of Canadian Transit!

888

2008-08-07T23:12:00.001-05:00

It's fast approaching...
Just a few short hours until I leave...
I'm excited...
So much so that my energy is drained and it seems that I am unaffected by the event coming...
But deep down I know I'm more excited than I can express...
This is going to be amazing...
Shawna, see you soon!!!

Plate II

2008-08-05T22:12:00.000-05:00

I'm in a moment I wish I wasn't in

I'm fighting off catastrophes that will bring me to my end

Forget me in the years that come in a day

Regretfully you and I head separate ways

God told me that's how it will be

I do enjoy you but there's another for me

Is she south or north of here

I walk in God's way, nothing to fear

Plate

2008-08-03T02:07:00.000-05:00

Situation overload

I think I'm losing all control
No one left to guide this gun
My soul is jaded, my mind undone
Killing a life I found one year
You fly in mass, you go by ear
Grudgingly I stepped on my enemy's head
It was the finishing moment that brought me dread
Tomorrow maybe but today is worn
Find the left-sided mystery that's in store

Mid

2008-07-29T22:21:00.000-05:00

The realization of changing hit my ears

Finding the reason for a switch to years
Nothing there it seems for me
Options drain to two from three
An advantage lies with the one
Proximity claims her upper handed sun
A blink of clarity coming through
First day in and I have a needed clue

Untitled

2008-07-24T21:42:00.000-05:00

The mark runs deep in you
What is it I need to do
Trash out the lost and needless
Her eyes avoid me sightless
I am open and speaking
She holds tight, not breaking
The patience role and waits I hold
It will be worth it when she steps old
The word I wish, I know is there
Every moment about her, every air.

Mexico: Day 4

2008-07-23T22:32:00.000-05:00

Journal Entry
The beauty of the Lord and his power to break the barriers that we as humans see as nearly impenetrable continues to amaze me. At pastor Adan's church when we had praise and worship it was amazing. I didn't know what they were saying but I knew what they were saying. One God unites us, makes us family. We sweat and laugh and cry together. We support one another, we pray with each other. God has filled me with awe everyday and there is more to come. We have the walls and the siding up, there isn't much left to do, we will definitely finish tomorrow.

Second Guesses, Maybe Not Chances

2008-07-22T21:55:00.000-05:00

Does passion run fast?
I'm afraid I return to habits of the past.
Will I push her away by showing these words?
I'm hoping and praying I'm not absurd.
Let God and time take this to its place.
We can move and change to a new space.

Mexico: Day 3

2008-07-22T21:42:00.000-05:00

Journal Entry
We rocked it today with God's hand behind us. We finished the half of a house pretty good, the only snag was that not all the wood was there when we arrived. But as Frank always says "It's not a problem." Everyone worked very hard today. Despite the setbacks, we finished quickly and that gives us good feelings about having two days to do the other house. It feels so amazing to see God working with us. Like Matt said, we all serve one God and we are all in this together. Out Father is amazing and I praise Him and His amazing love and grace.

Notes
What is holding me back?
"G", Fear, Eyes, Comfort, Change, Possessive, Justify, Nothing of significance.
I can come up with nothing that can justify my lack of unrestrain. As hard as I may try and as many arguments as I come up with it still won't matter. My human logic fails and crumbles when set beside the wisdom of our Almighty. I still say to myself that I am coming up with reasons to satisfy. I know I'm denying yet I believe I'm unique in my reasoning. There is nothing I can think, nothing I can say, nothing I can write that will bring satisfaction or reasoning to the locked door I hide behind. Despite having the key and needing the warmth on the other side I refuse to open it. It's useless, futile... still I don't quit.

Mad Eye Sun

2008-07-21T20:35:00.000-05:00

This mad eye sun hits me with her gaze.

It hurts to stare but I can't look away.
Why do I chase a heat like this?
When I was in heaven we shared a kiss.
Cast down to mortal planes by my own mistakes.
I pursue my lost love, I'll do whatever it takes.
The night when she sleeps I still see her.
Is this part of my punishment, sitting here blurred?
I'll find a way back to win your love.
Just a moment, just a chance and you'll pull me above.

Mexico: Day 2

2008-07-21T20:21:00.000-05:00

Journal Entry
So amazing. It's so amazing so far. I've already broken who I was in the sense of interaction with the children. I've played with them more than I ever have. Bernice is a little beast at soccer. She has a mean kick that I can't block. When I was goalie I called myself "The Wall" and she found every crack in me. Carmello was also a little man at futbol. It was so much fun to play with them. God really touched me tonight. I know things will only continue to get better. I feel God here very strongly and I am amazed at his work in our group already. We are ready to work and it's going to be good.

Mexico: Day 1

2008-07-20T19:58:00.000-05:00

Journal Entry
Today the Knights of the Roundness were created: Case-In-Point (Casey), Bakes-A-Lot (Bryson), and I (Blacksmith). We room together and eat together. We are not squares like the others. We swim alone... together. But all in all the day was good. The only noticeable snag we have run into on the trip so far is the suburban's front AC wasn't working. When we stopped in Abilene for lunch we tried to get it fixed but there was a leak so just filled it with freon and it worked fine from then on. Tonight we ate... TONIGHT WE SWIM AT 9:30!!! (or later). I'm looking forward to tonight's devotion, the notes for it will follow this entry. We are room 206. I want to have more than I ever had. I want clarity, settling, and connection anew.
Notes
What do I expect from this trip?
I want to forget what I was. I want to be new. I want a better, closer, stronger relationship with God. I want a better work ethic that will translate to school and my relationship with God. I want to be obvious.

What is a team?
A group that works together smoothly, in unison, and has the ability to predict the needs of other members and help cover those needs.

I can add value to my team by losing myself and becoming submissive to the greater goals of this trip and God's will.

7 Month Old Realization

2008-07-20T00:39:00.000-05:00

Did you know it’s over? One day came and went; normalcy filled it to the brim. Walking in the door, I felt the same. As I sat, the words entered my ears and I took them. Their effect was limited and slow to evolve. The night drew over me and I slept deeply. As my eyes opened to the sun, so did my mind to the newness I realized. So much effort and love and time. Now understanding gives me relief. Too long I have held; my hand didn’t know how to let go. A force overwhelming relaxed the heart that was stubborn to see the truth. I now know what there isn’t for me. This change is small and personal. A within disruption of what had been too long. Opportunities are everywhere and I gladly search through to see what there is. I never believed and never wanted to believe this day would come but the stones have been moved from my eyes to see it for what it is. Love is so bountiful and amazing in this place but I will no longer push toward what there is not. Now I know it is over and yet it is just beginning.

Ah, I can see something new
Truth and understanding flooded me
The day came with so much happiness surprising me
Newness now excites the search
Two or three may appear but those are tomorrow’s words
Excitement makes me want everything to come
I’m refocused as a change sweeps through
I still desire a simple kiss, a simple touch from a someone I know not
The search for real is within my reach

A Note To Read

2008-07-19T00:38:00.000-05:00

What is it you do to me my dear? Why must denial be set? Moments ago I saw a glimmer, now I see avoidance. Every now and again I catch something but it is quickly denied and receded. What is the point of these oddities? Where do I sit inside your head? Tell me this, speak to me for real. I want you back. "No time to live an doubt it, girl, I'm worth the second chance." Time passes yet you do not. I tried and wanted like I had before but within I feel something more. Return to me my girl. Your beautiful eyes haunt me. Your passion draws me. Why can't you drop that and pick me back up? You are what I want.

It's Me

2008-07-08T21:10:00.000-05:00

Love me.

Give me.
Hold me.
Take me.
Haunt me.
Breathe me.
Break me.
Mend me.
Hope for me.
Live for me.
Dream for me.
Fight for me.
Feel for me.
Dance for me.
Win for me.
Fall for me.
Grow with me.
Forget with me.
Travel with me.
Be with me.
Laugh with me.
Cry with me.
Wreck with me.
Go with me.
I need you with me.

A Personal Essay

2008-07-07T20:35:00.000-05:00

This is an essay I wrote my freshman year of college. It was a personal essay but I've changed some things in it just so people can retain their privacy since they really have no say in whether I post this or not. Things have changed since I wrote this essay. This is not the final copy I turned in, I accidentally deleted the final version. That is why this essay isn't completely perfect.

The Elusive Love

A little more than two years ago, a girl walked into my life. Her name was Heather. I met this beauty at my church youth group, and her delicate and timid demeanor, along with my own shyness, allowed us only minor contact with one another. She sat across the room from me with her wavy, brown hair and emerald eyes silent. At first I did not know what to think of this young girl who I came in contact with. We hardly spoke a word to one another that first month she attended my church. Soon, though, we each began to open up to the other. We found common ground in her sister, who, with a more outgoing personality, had become an instant friend to me. But one night, in December of 2004, things began to change. That night a large group of my friends, which included Heather and I, decided to have a sort of pre-Christmas outing to the city. We planned on going ice skating in West Town after eating at our favorite restaurant, Carlos’s Café. Despite our initial intent, we ended up not ice skating after dinner for a reason I can’t remember; instead, we decided to just walk around West Town the rest of the night enjoying the atmosphere and one another’s company. Heather and I spent the whole night around each other. As I got to know her more intimately, thoughts of romance soon filled my mind. And during this night of fun and festivities in West Town, I fell in love with that girl.

As the months passed, my days were filled with thoughts of Heather. I found myself wanting to spend every moment I could with her. Sadly enough I never acted on the feelings of passion and love. My emotions were bold, yet I was not. I stuck close to her and tried to allude to her how I felt, but I never told her outright my feelings. This was a mistake. At the beginning it seemed as though she held the same feelings I did. There were moments that I was so sure that all I had to do was the say the word and Heather would be mine, but I foolishly let them pass me by. Half a year rolled by before I finally revealed my true feelings to Heather only to not receive the same kind of love in return. Heather saw me as a friend, nothing more. I do think that at some point she had romantic feelings towards me, but, for whatever reason, those feelings had melted away. Despite this rejection, I did not shut her out of my life. I could not let this girl leave me. Every moment with her was magical and I would not let that disappear. Instead, I pulled her ever closer to me. I was determined to have this girl in my life, even if it meant only as a friend.

As times began to change, we found ourselves growing inevitably apart. With her attending high school in a separate town and switching churches, we were forced to make our own time for this friendship to grow, and those moments were hard to come by. At one point Heather and I lost contact altogether for about three months; during this time my thoughts drifted from the angel of my dreams. As my high school graduation approached, I received a call from Heather. The fire inside my heart was instantly reignited. She and I both were unhappy with the lack of contact and vowed that the summer would be different. With my departure for college coming and Heather remaining behind to start her junior year of high school, seeing each other after that summer would be very difficult.

All the time I have known Heather I have settled for a lesser love than I hoped for, but the love is pure nonetheless. When the feelings of passion aren’t mutual in a relationship the lack of consistency can undoubtedly put a strain on the relationship. Though there may be love in the relationship it is often overlooked by some and misinterpreted by many. The destructiveness love can bring comes when people don’t find this love. Feeling this loss or emptiness of emotion can cause relationships to fail because there may be a sense of betrayal on the part of the seeker. To overcome this aspect of blindness in a relationship there must be and understanding of the love that does exist. I initially found myself in this position with Heather. I was distraught at the fact that I hadn’t found the love I had been seeking. I almost gave up on the friendship totally. My heart was weakened and my mind was in tangles about what to do. My emotions became a whirlwind of anger, fear, and love, but in the end I had the consciousness to realize there was still a friendly love between the two of us.

Another downfall of the elusive love some pursue is not the fault of the seeker but the fault of the one being sought after. When presented with a suitor not desirable to them, a girl/boy may push that person away and want nothing to do with them. This is a route I thought, at first, Heather might take. Whenever I told her of my true feelings she seemed not very fond of the idea. I felt she may have fallen away had I not had the determination to continue to be her friend at any cost. Soon she warmed back up to me and we were as close as ever. Inside her there must have been a love for me that, combined with my own, was, and is, strong enough to bind us together through the toughest of times.

I have recently grown far more intimate with Heather, seeing her at both her highest and lowest points. Before the end of school Heather had began dating a good friend of hers from her school. Needless to say I didn’t like this very much, but still I kept Heather close to my heart. While in this relationship Heather seemed full of happiness. The boy she had began dating was one of her best friends. She told me she felt comfortable around him and he always made her feel safe. The only thing I could think of when she told me this was how I would be so much better to her than this guy ever could be. Something inside of me told me that this guy did not deserve Heather and was not as pure as he appeared—I was right. Shortly before the school year began for both of us, Heather’s heart was broken—her boyfriend left her for another girl. In the midst of the break-up, Heather’s ex had said hurtful things implying she was an untruthful person and someone who he only befriended in hopes of dating her. Heather was devastated because she had put false value in a friendship that was never pure. In this time of confusion and sadness she turned to me for help. I spent many hours on the phone with her sometimes comforting her, other times just listening to what she said. There were conversations where I had to explain to her how that guy was nothing and she had to let him go, and others where we would just talk and laugh about it all. In the course of this healing, Heather revealed herself to me in her most vulnerable state. The type of trust and reliance she had in me could only have come from a binding love she and I both share. I adore what we have and I will always be there for her and I know she will be there for me. But the love we have, strong as it is, is still not what I truly, deeply, madly desire from her.

To survive the trials of love we sometimes face, we must learn to find and exploit whatever love does exist in the relationship. Just as I did amidst the confusion and pain of rejection from Heather, we need to rely on that which we didn’t find in return to get us through—love. Admittedly, this can very difficult, but with hard work and commitment, the value of love can be found and renewed. The love I hold inside of me may not be one that I was able discover within the heart of Heather, but my situation of love is one of success, nonetheless. In my experiences, though they are limited, I find that love is confusing and sometimes difficult to endure, but if the love is pure it will find a way to survive. I have uncovered the true love of my life and whether that love grows into something more or it remains where it is, I will always do my best to keep it intact. The search for elusive love can be one full of confusion, loss, betrayal, and, hopefully, passionate determination.

Wordle

2008-07-03T18:49:00.001-05:00