I don't do this much...

i hardly ever really post stuff about whats going on in my life, at least not in any direct or formal manner. not in the manner that a blog is typically thought of. i think its cause i dont feel im very good at expressing myself so directly. my thoughts are just so random that i cant stick to one topic long enough to get anything adequate about it written. but lets give it a go today.

ive been hittin the dcTalk and Newsboys pretty hard lately and its bringing some hard love feelings back. it makes me long for the relationship i know i used to have with God. lately ive slid back and have yet to return to Him. i know with Him everything is better, i catch glimmers of it in times of meditation... but those have been far too momentary and far too sparse. i want to say now, at this moment, that im going to turn around and be stronger and more seeking and more deeply immersed in God than i ever have... but ive said this before... i must forget that, i cant let the past pull me down. God no longer cares about what ive done, he has forgiven me. my memory of my imperfection and the fact that it is being a stumbling block for getting to God is a device of satan that i do not fight very well. i know im unworthy but that should be a bigger reason for going to God, letting Him clean me. fearing and remembering that which God has forgiven is in itself a sin and something in a song really spoke to me and pointed that out at a very crucial moment to me: "You're greatest sin is not the abortion that you've asked forgiveness for, or the adultery, or whatever it is that you did in your life in the past that you're ashamed of, that keeps hounding you. You're greatest sin is not that! You're greatest sin is not believing God's word when God says "You're forgiven!" You're greatest sin is unbelief. You want to repent of something, friend? Stop repenting of sins that you've already repented of, and repent of your unbelief." (Voices by House of Heroes). i know deep inside of me i feel like the sins of my dark past have separated me from God. i have asked for forgiveness, yet i still feel unworthy. i feel He has relieved them from me but my being human naturally makes me remember. i am only a "mere man". God, help me to be more.

i guess i can focus after all.