Down And Gone

Conquest for commanding's sake.
From then we drank of putrid mistakes.
Radiating out to call a father.
Taking an aim.
Firing.
Not her.
Cripple a leg, lose an eye.
Fight the good fight.
Fight til you die.
Cryptic picks of loosening lips.
Rebuilding a life amid harbored ships.

Cold and Confident

Final exams and icy roads. Every year that I have been in college it has snowed or iced over in the middle of finals week of the fall semester. I know it's not that weird but it never really starts to even get cold until finals week. I mean, it was 70 degrees last week and now the roads are frozen! Thank you, Oklahoma, for the lovely craziness you give us in our final weeks of torture. We all really appreciate it....

Summer's Fall, Winter's Spring

In it all I worked and labored to gain sight

I went to the car, sat in newborn light
Dread for hours I should be gone
Finish this up, fly through dawn
It kept me stable but left me lifeless
Those around bore my witness
Three returns later I fell into loss
The emotional strain was too much a cost
Slowing soon gave me back an eye
Forever I walk, to this I die

Turn A

Baby divide

Maybe we fall
Tonight we torture
Slightly secure
Join into days
Mourn separate ways
Caress the time
Best will hide
Court the reflex
Short in digest
Stride out
Find wrong
Different futures
Singular song

Moderation, Please

Why do I find myself lost in this situation, searching for ornamentations? It’s losing inside that I despise, falling short and embracing a worthless demise. Hold me together by the edge of my will. I understand that nothing is coming in spite of my everlastingly stubborn hope. Forging again some endless ties, fighting against leaking spies. Don’t attempt to abandon the post; I won't hold down the fort even in using everything I own. My time is wasted and more often, now, forgotten. I need to step onward lest I betray the words, the knowledge lent to me from those around. Where would I carry on if I could break a moment out of myself? Move away and examine the body inch-by-inch, day-by-day, flame-by-flame. The paper rain will always tear into my soul forever leaving me bloodless and wretched cold. I fall for foreign ties and lose my mind when I can see where I need to be. Mere words on a page birth tears in my heart sharing in a future that I am taking apart. I tangle myself with threads of certainty sewn into defiance. I look away, giving an ear to blackness, throwing out subtleties with an anti-delivery of intent. A mile, a yard, an inch away life will change. I yearn for this chance and I want the freshness to heal my bones, refuel my core and leave me helpless within the surrounding danger. Uninhibited and nonsubtle. Passionate and obsessive. Where will this lead? I haven’t a clue to tell. Why do I need? A mysterious something inside me dwells. Who will I plead? Losing my sight, locked in hell.

Great Aspirations

i have so many dreams, so many desires of things i want to be. despite all this i barely pursue many of the dreams i have. why is that? i cant say cause i dont know myself. i want to be a famous actor but i havent done any acting. i want to be singer/song writer but i dont sing, play any instruments or write any songs. i want to invent something amazing and revolutionary but i never try to build things to solve problems. i want to be a successful and well-known writer... and im trying at that one pretty good. i have three short stories ive worked on some (though not any time recently) and now im writing for nanowrimo which is working out really well right now. at least in the way that it has me thinking and writing about something and getting ideas floating. i may only have just under 9k words but i feel the potential for so much more... i just dont sit down and write all that much. i could easily shoot out a good 6k words if i sat down and just started typing, i could do that tonight, right now, i have the ideas and event going in my head that would fill that and much more. but i dont do it. its hard for me to make myself write and i dont know why. i could so easily finish the 50k if i wrote on this like i can. i could get the remaining 41k or so in these final days but i cant seem to ever make myself do it. i mean, im writing this when i could be using all this for my nano. i dont know. nothing to blame but myself really. ok, well thats all i really have for now.

My One Minute

Can a breath even save me?
Air within burning lungs
An old age destroying the young
What does a jolt of life do?
My heart increases pace
In a moment of silence, I am safe
Should a single day define all history?
Stretch me to leave behind
I trace my hopes, regret my lies
Will words be important as the catalyst to movement?
Lost in a stare of imperfection
This life remains a mere animation
Must man create his own trap?
One truth, one life to live it
I've been gone forever in only one minute

A Flight Of Force Left For You

Slow, will it ever be
Grow, still it is for me
Lost, more here and gone
Cost, short of nothing strong
Force, making a sort of rush
Course, taking on a new trust
She, rip into my sun
We, grip tightly our gun
Fight, close the words now
Night, woes reign on down
Cover, crush me on stone
Lover, must remain bitter cold

Where Was I?

Books... That's all I can attribute my lack of presence anywhere and everywhere at this point. I've been in the midst of a series by Orson Scott Card. It's actually two series... kinda.

The first part follows Ender in a four book quartet:

Then the second set follows another character from the first book (Ender's Game) named Bean:

These are the books I'm finishing up. I just finished Shadow of the Hegemon and have started Shadow Puppets. I don't have Shadow of the Giant yet but I will obtain it soon enough. There are other books within the same universe that are soon to come out which I will greedily snatch up. But until that point and when I've finished what has been published I will begin reading the Dragonriders of Pern series by Anne McCaffrey, or at least Dragonflight, Dragonquest and The White Dragon. After that is finisehd I will start the Twilight series. I don't know where I'm gonna go after that though.

Smoke

Set me up and let the fire blaze.

I’ll walk in despite, I’ll long for a gaze.
Deep and far with me, I’ve lost a normal part.
Its moment lingering amongst fire, yet in dark.
Smoke blinds, forces nomadic retreats there.
A wind is blowing me about in a tumult of fear.
Worth wait in the desire of control.
You’re love may not be a sacrifice I wish to bestow.
Kill us with interjection, interruption, desperation.
These are what I’ve had inside for lifetimes in spite of damage.
Can it ever be restored from a beast? That pain it must lavish.
Don’t answer within this day, I don’t know where I’ll end.
My companion restoration has nothing left to defend.

Blades In Stone

A light brightens though I try to close my eyes

I must determine wholly if I truly wish to survive
Not such desperation, that won't work for me
I've valued it too much, I need myself before we
Said but not completely done
The Word to read when she will come
God guiding when I should look, where I should listen
At the moment opportune, from me the evil will be stricken

I don't do this much...

i hardly ever really post stuff about whats going on in my life, at least not in any direct or formal manner. not in the manner that a blog is typically thought of. i think its cause i dont feel im very good at expressing myself so directly. my thoughts are just so random that i cant stick to one topic long enough to get anything adequate about it written. but lets give it a go today.

ive been hittin the dcTalk and Newsboys pretty hard lately and its bringing some hard love feelings back. it makes me long for the relationship i know i used to have with God. lately ive slid back and have yet to return to Him. i know with Him everything is better, i catch glimmers of it in times of meditation... but those have been far too momentary and far too sparse. i want to say now, at this moment, that im going to turn around and be stronger and more seeking and more deeply immersed in God than i ever have... but ive said this before... i must forget that, i cant let the past pull me down. God no longer cares about what ive done, he has forgiven me. my memory of my imperfection and the fact that it is being a stumbling block for getting to God is a device of satan that i do not fight very well. i know im unworthy but that should be a bigger reason for going to God, letting Him clean me. fearing and remembering that which God has forgiven is in itself a sin and something in a song really spoke to me and pointed that out at a very crucial moment to me: "You're greatest sin is not the abortion that you've asked forgiveness for, or the adultery, or whatever it is that you did in your life in the past that you're ashamed of, that keeps hounding you. You're greatest sin is not that! You're greatest sin is not believing God's word when God says "You're forgiven!" You're greatest sin is unbelief. You want to repent of something, friend? Stop repenting of sins that you've already repented of, and repent of your unbelief." (Voices by House of Heroes). i know deep inside of me i feel like the sins of my dark past have separated me from God. i have asked for forgiveness, yet i still feel unworthy. i feel He has relieved them from me but my being human naturally makes me remember. i am only a "mere man". God, help me to be more.

i guess i can focus after all.