Down And Gone

Conquest for commanding's sake.
From then we drank of putrid mistakes.
Radiating out to call a father.
Taking an aim.
Firing.
Not her.
Cripple a leg, lose an eye.
Fight the good fight.
Fight til you die.
Cryptic picks of loosening lips.
Rebuilding a life amid harbored ships.

Cold and Confident

Final exams and icy roads. Every year that I have been in college it has snowed or iced over in the middle of finals week of the fall semester. I know it's not that weird but it never really starts to even get cold until finals week. I mean, it was 70 degrees last week and now the roads are frozen! Thank you, Oklahoma, for the lovely craziness you give us in our final weeks of torture. We all really appreciate it....

Summer's Fall, Winter's Spring

In it all I worked and labored to gain sight

I went to the car, sat in newborn light
Dread for hours I should be gone
Finish this up, fly through dawn
It kept me stable but left me lifeless
Those around bore my witness
Three returns later I fell into loss
The emotional strain was too much a cost
Slowing soon gave me back an eye
Forever I walk, to this I die

Turn A

Baby divide

Maybe we fall
Tonight we torture
Slightly secure
Join into days
Mourn separate ways
Caress the time
Best will hide
Court the reflex
Short in digest
Stride out
Find wrong
Different futures
Singular song

Moderation, Please

Why do I find myself lost in this situation, searching for ornamentations? It’s losing inside that I despise, falling short and embracing a worthless demise. Hold me together by the edge of my will. I understand that nothing is coming in spite of my everlastingly stubborn hope. Forging again some endless ties, fighting against leaking spies. Don’t attempt to abandon the post; I won't hold down the fort even in using everything I own. My time is wasted and more often, now, forgotten. I need to step onward lest I betray the words, the knowledge lent to me from those around. Where would I carry on if I could break a moment out of myself? Move away and examine the body inch-by-inch, day-by-day, flame-by-flame. The paper rain will always tear into my soul forever leaving me bloodless and wretched cold. I fall for foreign ties and lose my mind when I can see where I need to be. Mere words on a page birth tears in my heart sharing in a future that I am taking apart. I tangle myself with threads of certainty sewn into defiance. I look away, giving an ear to blackness, throwing out subtleties with an anti-delivery of intent. A mile, a yard, an inch away life will change. I yearn for this chance and I want the freshness to heal my bones, refuel my core and leave me helpless within the surrounding danger. Uninhibited and nonsubtle. Passionate and obsessive. Where will this lead? I haven’t a clue to tell. Why do I need? A mysterious something inside me dwells. Who will I plead? Losing my sight, locked in hell.

Great Aspirations

i have so many dreams, so many desires of things i want to be. despite all this i barely pursue many of the dreams i have. why is that? i cant say cause i dont know myself. i want to be a famous actor but i havent done any acting. i want to be singer/song writer but i dont sing, play any instruments or write any songs. i want to invent something amazing and revolutionary but i never try to build things to solve problems. i want to be a successful and well-known writer... and im trying at that one pretty good. i have three short stories ive worked on some (though not any time recently) and now im writing for nanowrimo which is working out really well right now. at least in the way that it has me thinking and writing about something and getting ideas floating. i may only have just under 9k words but i feel the potential for so much more... i just dont sit down and write all that much. i could easily shoot out a good 6k words if i sat down and just started typing, i could do that tonight, right now, i have the ideas and event going in my head that would fill that and much more. but i dont do it. its hard for me to make myself write and i dont know why. i could so easily finish the 50k if i wrote on this like i can. i could get the remaining 41k or so in these final days but i cant seem to ever make myself do it. i mean, im writing this when i could be using all this for my nano. i dont know. nothing to blame but myself really. ok, well thats all i really have for now.

My One Minute

Can a breath even save me?
Air within burning lungs
An old age destroying the young
What does a jolt of life do?
My heart increases pace
In a moment of silence, I am safe
Should a single day define all history?
Stretch me to leave behind
I trace my hopes, regret my lies
Will words be important as the catalyst to movement?
Lost in a stare of imperfection
This life remains a mere animation
Must man create his own trap?
One truth, one life to live it
I've been gone forever in only one minute

A Flight Of Force Left For You

Slow, will it ever be
Grow, still it is for me
Lost, more here and gone
Cost, short of nothing strong
Force, making a sort of rush
Course, taking on a new trust
She, rip into my sun
We, grip tightly our gun
Fight, close the words now
Night, woes reign on down
Cover, crush me on stone
Lover, must remain bitter cold

Where Was I?

Books... That's all I can attribute my lack of presence anywhere and everywhere at this point. I've been in the midst of a series by Orson Scott Card. It's actually two series... kinda.

The first part follows Ender in a four book quartet:

Then the second set follows another character from the first book (Ender's Game) named Bean:

These are the books I'm finishing up. I just finished Shadow of the Hegemon and have started Shadow Puppets. I don't have Shadow of the Giant yet but I will obtain it soon enough. There are other books within the same universe that are soon to come out which I will greedily snatch up. But until that point and when I've finished what has been published I will begin reading the Dragonriders of Pern series by Anne McCaffrey, or at least Dragonflight, Dragonquest and The White Dragon. After that is finisehd I will start the Twilight series. I don't know where I'm gonna go after that though.

Smoke

Set me up and let the fire blaze.

I’ll walk in despite, I’ll long for a gaze.
Deep and far with me, I’ve lost a normal part.
Its moment lingering amongst fire, yet in dark.
Smoke blinds, forces nomadic retreats there.
A wind is blowing me about in a tumult of fear.
Worth wait in the desire of control.
You’re love may not be a sacrifice I wish to bestow.
Kill us with interjection, interruption, desperation.
These are what I’ve had inside for lifetimes in spite of damage.
Can it ever be restored from a beast? That pain it must lavish.
Don’t answer within this day, I don’t know where I’ll end.
My companion restoration has nothing left to defend.

Blades In Stone

A light brightens though I try to close my eyes

I must determine wholly if I truly wish to survive
Not such desperation, that won't work for me
I've valued it too much, I need myself before we
Said but not completely done
The Word to read when she will come
God guiding when I should look, where I should listen
At the moment opportune, from me the evil will be stricken

I don't do this much...

i hardly ever really post stuff about whats going on in my life, at least not in any direct or formal manner. not in the manner that a blog is typically thought of. i think its cause i dont feel im very good at expressing myself so directly. my thoughts are just so random that i cant stick to one topic long enough to get anything adequate about it written. but lets give it a go today.

ive been hittin the dcTalk and Newsboys pretty hard lately and its bringing some hard love feelings back. it makes me long for the relationship i know i used to have with God. lately ive slid back and have yet to return to Him. i know with Him everything is better, i catch glimmers of it in times of meditation... but those have been far too momentary and far too sparse. i want to say now, at this moment, that im going to turn around and be stronger and more seeking and more deeply immersed in God than i ever have... but ive said this before... i must forget that, i cant let the past pull me down. God no longer cares about what ive done, he has forgiven me. my memory of my imperfection and the fact that it is being a stumbling block for getting to God is a device of satan that i do not fight very well. i know im unworthy but that should be a bigger reason for going to God, letting Him clean me. fearing and remembering that which God has forgiven is in itself a sin and something in a song really spoke to me and pointed that out at a very crucial moment to me: "You're greatest sin is not the abortion that you've asked forgiveness for, or the adultery, or whatever it is that you did in your life in the past that you're ashamed of, that keeps hounding you. You're greatest sin is not that! You're greatest sin is not believing God's word when God says "You're forgiven!" You're greatest sin is unbelief. You want to repent of something, friend? Stop repenting of sins that you've already repented of, and repent of your unbelief." (Voices by House of Heroes). i know deep inside of me i feel like the sins of my dark past have separated me from God. i have asked for forgiveness, yet i still feel unworthy. i feel He has relieved them from me but my being human naturally makes me remember. i am only a "mere man". God, help me to be more.

i guess i can focus after all.

Burst Rate [working title]

Let me start this off by saying this is my first attempt at a more planned out story with actual dialogue rather than just a poetic narrative or prose. I'm not much of a dialogue writer. It typically seems to come out awkward. But take note that the dialogue in this story is meant to be a bit unnatural and floaty, kinda like an ideal romantic verbal expression. That's what I'm trying for, I don't know if I got that. Some parts are kinda awkward to read but this is a very rough cut. There's going to be more... at some point. Tell me what you guys think. Oh and this is also a bit autobiographical, basically all my writing is:


“She gave me nothing,” he screamed at the past set above his head. “Why did I let her control me?”

The look on Reagan’s face was of the utmost pain and betrayal. The tears from his eyes crept down his face combining with the sweat from this distraught. Two months ago he knew what he was doing. Two months ago he knew what he wanted. Two months ago… he had her.

He saw Katee while he sat in the park at his usual spot by the pond. It began with him looking up at some movement in the corner of his eye. He noticed it was just another pretty girl walking by so he went back to his writing. Then he saw her. The quick glance up at her did not give his brain time to process the details of what he saw. Short moments of reflection allowed him to know what she was. His head rose slowly and he looked up at her once more. Frozen. Stuck. Motionless. He was locked in place by every detail of her. Any part could occupy his time and control his gaze for longer than he should actually look, but by combining all her parts into one sole being, God had made a vision that took Reagan completely. He lost control. He stared with his mouth gaping open in all obviousness of his infatuation.

“Why do you look at me so?” She broke his stare with her simple inquiry.

“I … I’m lost in you,” his words were pure and would travel to new and unknown levels in the near future.

The romance started suddenly. Fast and mysterious were the connected moments between these destined two. Their first date was a return to the place where Reagan had fallen into Katee’s eyes. They sat in the park on the bench watching the white, pure clouds above. As they viewed the pieces of heaven overtop, it was as if they were looking through one another’s eyes.

“No one has ever been able to see my same visions when I look above,” a confused and enamored Reagan sputtered out.

Katee looked at him with her delicate face and when she spoke her voice sounded like what Reagan believed heaven must feel like, “I too have never experienced something as this. Destiny may have brought us here today.”

Reagan silently agreed but could do nothing more than smile and nod as he drank in Katee’s beauty. She was a dream. Would he wake up? His heart told him no. He knew this was a forever sleep for him… and he needed the rest.

As he felt love wash over him he knew Katee was what he was going to dedicate himself to for the rest of his life. His efforts as such went unnoticed once before. His strength had been drained of him in past experiences.

Joshua Reagan was a quiet and passionate man who often found himself completely enthralled in singular events. He analyzed them over and over trying to find any detail, any word, any crack that he may point to and say, “There! That is the sign I need!” These analyses were his main source of inference when it came to reading the actions or words of the most befuddling opposition he ever faced: women. Women in Reagan’s life were always elusive and confusing. He rode into each encounter with them armed and ready to read yet he failed every time. His lack of self-confidence in his words was his largest and most overwhelming flaw. Conversations were typically one-sided with Reagan being the silent listener, ever afraid to make any utterance. Inside his mind he always had things to say but he debunked them before they could come out. Most or all of his opinions and words were judged intricately and unfairly prior to being released to another. This was especially prominent with any women that merited some sort of romantic interest in Reagan’s mind. So his silence closed him off and allowed him little chance to obtain any sort of true romantic companionship from any of the billions of women in the world, save two.

Something Is Here

As I walked into my house the chill of realization shook my calm. A sudden and polar switch in tempo took my thoughts. The night that I was previously in, full of fun and happiness was quickly dispersed in a mere instant. I can’t say there was surprise as I realized the intrusion had come. I had denied the truth of this moment for so long but now it broke its way in, past my false securities. Standing there, staring at the back door I had ignored for years, I heard that familiar noise and I knew what was next. Turning around, I faced that wretched beast, the one I had only fought with tactics of ignoring. Before I spoke I was slammed into the walls, my brain jarring within my skull and my eyes falling into a glazed darkness. I awoke in indescribable shame. I stood up; my legs were wobbly and weak. My mind was still a little hazy but it began to clear. I had failed again. I knew I would. The reality of this soon washed over me with overwhelming force. I collapsed back to the floor in tears. The lies I fed myself about having overcome this shattered as if they were never there.

In the moments of peace without the beast, I convinced myself it was gone for good. Deep within me, though, a small yet sturdy voice spoke with veracity. The true strength of the beast was in the abundance of peace it allowed me to have, but therein also rested its greatest weakness. With its persistent absence, the dark creature allowed my mind to forget the threat it presented. It employed the strategy of out of sight, out of mind, if you will. This worked marvelously against me. I gladly rested in my blindness. I was grateful he allowed me that much. But the peace soon became shorter, his attacks more frequent. He began bombarding me heavily and constantly. And then he would stop. For weeks at a time, longer than he ever had before, he would stop. The inconsistency in what I had learned to be consistent twisted me. I fell into a calm yet wild mindset. I began to just sit, drinking in the time without those horrid moments of brutality. I almost waited for them, almost wanting them to come so I had something familiar. I was on the edge of giving in to the monster and letting him take me whole. But a small flame flared up around me. Soon it roared forth and melted the darkness away. My home that I had harbored the beast at was gone. I was free. I began again. My life was flourishing as it had before the darkness had found me. Then tonight came. The beast found me. I had done nothing to prevent it. But now I’ve had enough. He meets his end tonight.

Like all things in this world, the impossible monster I battle must rest. I knew this and I used that time to rest myself, always knowing what I should be doing. You see, in his sleep, the creature is vulnerable. He is weak. He is exposed. And as I sat there on the floor, hot tears running down my face, I determined what I would do. I stood up boldly shaking all the weakness from me. Though the darkness the creature brought with him still lingered in my home I found what I was looking for, because I knew… I knew exactly where it was. I paused for a moment as I felt disappointment in myself. I knew exactly where it was… the whole time. All these years, I knew exactly where it was. I knew exactly how to use it. I knew exactly when I should use it. But I did nothing. As I drew the sword from its sheath it glimmered in the light. The light? By merely removing the weapon from its holding place the remaining darkness of the beast fled, revealing a brilliant light I used to know so well. I steadied myself and stepped out the back door. I had never seen where the monster slept but somehow I knew. My feet guided me while my mind remained curious as to where I was headed. By the time I realized I had stopped walking I must’ve already been there for some time. I had felt where the soft ground had sunken down significantly under my weight. And there he was. Sleeping fast and hard with his crooked mouth contorted into a smile. No doubt he was smiling from his recent triumph over me. My anger swelled and I raised my sword above my head. As I thrust it down into the beast’s neck I felt specks of blood hit my face. I didn’t care. I pulled the sword out violently and swung it down to chop off the head of my oppressor. The screams that were released from its mouth did not come as a singular voice but a voice of many. Steam rose from the warm blood as it met the cool night air. I stood there motionless for hours; blood still on my face. Then the rain fell washing my sword and me clean. I felt relief, amazing relief. But deep down I knew there would be more battles still. I knew this fiend was no unique creature; it was merely the sordid device of some greater evil. An evil that I know has no plans to slow its assault….

(I posted this on my MySpace a while ago but I decided to post it here too)

Bookmark

The last moments they find me tired
Fighting sleep and trying against fire
To where I'm heading, leaving alone
Checking over and over a silent phone
When, why, what, who will be salvation?
Come with some words, more integration
Did today happen as planned?
Is there something to be in my hand?
I hope for her and think of many
A sign so obvious, please clear me

Theory

Does it work this way?

Will I fall or Fade?
I'm turning around
I'm determining now
This moment calls me to such
I've lost many battles but the Lord lifts me up
I believe this next week's end will bring some good
On my part I will do as I should
It's so much easier when things are in order
Let's build the walls back up, faith as our mortar

(secret: make Mark of the Question below... carefully)

What's worth it?

I'm taking a break....

Sleepless Now

Punches flew and rage covered the night. I lost. Broken, angry, twisted and tired. I’ve lost the moment and can’t pick the real from habit anymore. The storm never stops pouring on me. Moments relieve my blankness but there is never enough to hold me over where I can catch my breath. I see her; I return. I lose her; I run. I grow bored; another plays me. Her touch is enough to weaken me. I know what it is. I know where it comes from. I don’t know where it goes. It frustrates and darkens my days. Why are there always walls in my way? Can’t she come and meet me at some point? I want her to say something. I want her to give the words I’ve merely dreamt of. It’s so easy to speak her name but for the sake of my heart I will now keep silent. Yet I’m going to go real with you: a truthful time in this poetic rambling. I hide behind these words too much and they merely create more frustration, as I cannot relieve the true words that lead a directed path for you. Always I have had the door opened. Always I have had the name on the front covered. You see my deepest thoughts yet the source they stem from is not there for direction. Now I close the door and let you orient. Now you will hear my words spoken simply from my mouth. Listen close; I speak soft and only once.

I’ve loved her forever. I feel like she was always there in me, I just had to find her. You’ve seen the night I fell for her; I’ve posted that for you to see. But I never spoke of the return I have been so habitual in committing. I will get determination in me and tell myself “I’m done with her,” but it only ever lasts until I see her again, hear her again, touch her again. I’m lost in this. It spins me every time. I know I want her but I just can’t seem to ever get to her. What am I to do? Will she always elude me? Will there ever come a moment when she says, “I want more”? This battle has drained me hard to the core and I cant stand to keep on fighting. I want answers. I know I can find them in God but I am stupid and impatient. My human side wants answers now and I know I don’t receive them cause I am not ready. Still that does not quell my desires for her to come to me one day. I don’t even know if that day will come. I really am lost now. Emotions in me are fluttering deeply in the dark side of pain. I border on depressive moments, not directly due to the situation with her but more due to my self-fighting and lack of reliance on God. See that’s where it feeds itself. I know what I need but I ignore it all the time. As a result I continue to spiral quickly into darkness. I experience moments and feel elation and joy in those months but I have shown Satan my cracks and he digs his claws in me and rips away. I want to cry. I want to sleep. I don’t want to sleep for it means facing another scrambled day. I don’t think she would be the solution to all these problems; I need to solve them before she comes… if she does. I will organize and therein I shall find the answers. I must turn to God but it feels so easy to wallow in pity and tears. Days come where I don’t want happiness; I feel unworthy of it. No matter how many lamps I turn on I’m in darkness and pain. God, come to me now and refresh me and make me strong to face this and find your answer with her. I love you and need you. Clean me and take this waste from my heart and mind. I give myself all to you now. Remember your promises, oh Lord! Your faithfulness and mercy will bring me through anything in my way. You will never allow me to fall so deep that I can’t overcome the depth. You are all I need forever and I want You now!

Begin The Countdown... Start At 888

888 was a beginning of something. I felt it. Drake felt it. We talked about it. We planted seeds. I don't want to call it a revolution cause that sounds violent and self-righteous. I'd call more of a return to the early times. That's what we need now. No more singular mindsets. No more celebrity walls being put up. No more separation. Communication is key. Talking, conversing, bringing the community feel and equality back into focus. It will take work. It will take searching. It will take time. But it can be a great positive change. This is something I feel very strongly about. Something we both feel very strongly about; something that we are going to begin this. We aren't as much like others, full of talk and heavy words lacking action. We won't try to inspire by phrases, we will be examples by movement. It will be spoken of and it will be spread. The return is going to be wonderful, the return will be difficult.

Lost Notes

The song waivers and falters and flees from my mind.
My grip squeezes tighter but nothing doing, I'm out of time.
Fighting the tears and cold I can't leap into unknown.
What am I to do if all I've loved is not for me?
Can I begin again with my passions drained?
Her name, her eyes, her hair, her voice.
A flame livens when any come to me.
Being forced into the world makes me feel lost.
What of these counters to what I have thought?
Help surely will find me, before I fail and die.
Keep it together now, it's far too much to entertain.
A hug, a kiss, a smile, a touch.
Bring me knowledge and assurance.
Can it be tomorrow today?

The Kings of Canadian Transit

Drake and I got our free transit passes upon our arrival to the science on 888-that is when our rule over the city with an iron fist began. Within the first few hours of examining our maps we became experts of the Toronto streets and how to get to anywhere in the city. We knew which buses to take and how long it would take to get anywhere we wanted. We were asked several times for directions by other tourists and we answered with confidence that even exceeded some of the locals' sense of direction. When we return to Toronto [which is looking to be steady and strong possibility] we will only further our prowess in the Kingdom we have departed from for the time being. We were rulers of our destinations, we were The Kings of Canadian Transit!

888

It's fast approaching...
Just a few short hours until I leave...
I'm excited...
So much so that my energy is drained and it seems that I am unaffected by the event coming...
But deep down I know I'm more excited than I can express...
This is going to be amazing...
Shawna, see you soon!!!

Plate II

I'm in a moment I wish I wasn't in

I'm fighting off catastrophes that will bring me to my end

Forget me in the years that come in a day

Regretfully you and I head separate ways

God told me that's how it will be

I do enjoy you but there's another for me

Is she south or north of here

I walk in God's way, nothing to fear

Plate

Situation overload

I think I'm losing all control
No one left to guide this gun
My soul is jaded, my mind undone
Killing a life I found one year
You fly in mass, you go by ear
Grudgingly I stepped on my enemy's head
It was the finishing moment that brought me dread
Tomorrow maybe but today is worn
Find the left-sided mystery that's in store

Mid

The realization of changing hit my ears

Finding the reason for a switch to years
Nothing there it seems for me
Options drain to two from three
An advantage lies with the one
Proximity claims her upper handed sun
A blink of clarity coming through
First day in and I have a needed clue

Untitled

The mark runs deep in you
What is it I need to do
Trash out the lost and needless
Her eyes avoid me sightless
I am open and speaking
She holds tight, not breaking
The patience role and waits I hold
It will be worth it when she steps old
The word I wish, I know is there
Every moment about her, every air.

Mexico: Day 4

Journal Entry
The beauty of the Lord and his power to break the barriers that we as humans see as nearly impenetrable continues to amaze me. At pastor Adan's church when we had praise and worship it was amazing. I didn't know what they were saying but I knew what they were saying. One God unites us, makes us family. We sweat and laugh and cry together. We support one another, we pray with each other. God has filled me with awe everyday and there is more to come. We have the walls and the siding up, there isn't much left to do, we will definitely finish tomorrow.

Second Guesses, Maybe Not Chances

Does passion run fast?
I'm afraid I return to habits of the past.
Will I push her away by showing these words?
I'm hoping and praying I'm not absurd.
Let God and time take this to its place.
We can move and change to a new space.

Mexico: Day 3

Journal Entry
We rocked it today with God's hand behind us. We finished the half of a house pretty good, the only snag was that not all the wood was there when we arrived. But as Frank always says "It's not a problem." Everyone worked very hard today. Despite the setbacks, we finished quickly and that gives us good feelings about having two days to do the other house. It feels so amazing to see God working with us. Like Matt said, we all serve one God and we are all in this together. Out Father is amazing and I praise Him and His amazing love and grace.

Notes
What is holding me back?
"G", Fear, Eyes, Comfort, Change, Possessive, Justify, Nothing of significance.
I can come up with nothing that can justify my lack of unrestrain. As hard as I may try and as many arguments as I come up with it still won't matter. My human logic fails and crumbles when set beside the wisdom of our Almighty. I still say to myself that I am coming up with reasons to satisfy. I know I'm denying yet I believe I'm unique in my reasoning. There is nothing I can think, nothing I can say, nothing I can write that will bring satisfaction or reasoning to the locked door I hide behind. Despite having the key and needing the warmth on the other side I refuse to open it. It's useless, futile... still I don't quit.

Mad Eye Sun

This mad eye sun hits me with her gaze.

It hurts to stare but I can't look away.
Why do I chase a heat like this?
When I was in heaven we shared a kiss.
Cast down to mortal planes by my own mistakes.
I pursue my lost love, I'll do whatever it takes.
The night when she sleeps I still see her.
Is this part of my punishment, sitting here blurred?
I'll find a way back to win your love.
Just a moment, just a chance and you'll pull me above.

Mexico: Day 2

Journal Entry
So amazing. It's so amazing so far. I've already broken who I was in the sense of interaction with the children. I've played with them more than I ever have. Bernice is a little beast at soccer. She has a mean kick that I can't block. When I was goalie I called myself "The Wall" and she found every crack in me. Carmello was also a little man at futbol. It was so much fun to play with them. God really touched me tonight. I know things will only continue to get better. I feel God here very strongly and I am amazed at his work in our group already. We are ready to work and it's going to be good.

Mexico: Day 1

Journal Entry
Today the Knights of the Roundness were created: Case-In-Point (Casey), Bakes-A-Lot (Bryson), and I (Blacksmith). We room together and eat together. We are not squares like the others. We swim alone... together. But all in all the day was good. The only noticeable snag we have run into on the trip so far is the suburban's front AC wasn't working. When we stopped in Abilene for lunch we tried to get it fixed but there was a leak so just filled it with freon and it worked fine from then on. Tonight we ate... TONIGHT WE SWIM AT 9:30!!! (or later). I'm looking forward to tonight's devotion, the notes for it will follow this entry. We are room 206. I want to have more than I ever had. I want clarity, settling, and connection anew.
Notes
What do I expect from this trip?
I want to forget what I was. I want to be new. I want a better, closer, stronger relationship with God. I want a better work ethic that will translate to school and my relationship with God. I want to be obvious.

What is a team?
A group that works together smoothly, in unison, and has the ability to predict the needs of other members and help cover those needs.

I can add value to my team by losing myself and becoming submissive to the greater goals of this trip and God's will.

7 Month Old Realization

Did you know it’s over? One day came and went; normalcy filled it to the brim. Walking in the door, I felt the same. As I sat, the words entered my ears and I took them. Their effect was limited and slow to evolve. The night drew over me and I slept deeply. As my eyes opened to the sun, so did my mind to the newness I realized. So much effort and love and time. Now understanding gives me relief. Too long I have held; my hand didn’t know how to let go. A force overwhelming relaxed the heart that was stubborn to see the truth. I now know what there isn’t for me. This change is small and personal. A within disruption of what had been too long. Opportunities are everywhere and I gladly search through to see what there is. I never believed and never wanted to believe this day would come but the stones have been moved from my eyes to see it for what it is. Love is so bountiful and amazing in this place but I will no longer push toward what there is not. Now I know it is over and yet it is just beginning.

Ah, I can see something new
Truth and understanding flooded me
The day came with so much happiness surprising me
Newness now excites the search
Two or three may appear but those are tomorrow’s words
Excitement makes me want everything to come
I’m refocused as a change sweeps through
I still desire a simple kiss, a simple touch from a someone I know not
The search for real is within my reach

A Note To Read

What is it you do to me my dear? Why must denial be set? Moments ago I saw a glimmer, now I see avoidance. Every now and again I catch something but it is quickly denied and receded. What is the point of these oddities? Where do I sit inside your head? Tell me this, speak to me for real. I want you back. "No time to live an doubt it, girl, I'm worth the second chance." Time passes yet you do not. I tried and wanted like I had before but within I feel something more. Return to me my girl. Your beautiful eyes haunt me. Your passion draws me. Why can't you drop that and pick me back up? You are what I want.

It's Me

Love me.

Give me.
Hold me.
Take me.
Haunt me.
Breathe me.
Break me.
Mend me.
Hope for me.
Live for me.
Dream for me.
Fight for me.
Feel for me.
Dance for me.
Win for me.
Fall for me.
Grow with me.
Forget with me.
Travel with me.
Be with me.
Laugh with me.
Cry with me.
Wreck with me.
Go with me.
I need you with me.

A Personal Essay

This is an essay I wrote my freshman year of college. It was a personal essay but I've changed some things in it just so people can retain their privacy since they really have no say in whether I post this or not. Things have changed since I wrote this essay. This is not the final copy I turned in, I accidentally deleted the final version. That is why this essay isn't completely perfect.

The Elusive Love

A little more than two years ago, a girl walked into my life. Her name was Heather. I met this beauty at my church youth group, and her delicate and timid demeanor, along with my own shyness, allowed us only minor contact with one another. She sat across the room from me with her wavy, brown hair and emerald eyes silent. At first I did not know what to think of this young girl who I came in contact with. We hardly spoke a word to one another that first month she attended my church. Soon, though, we each began to open up to the other. We found common ground in her sister, who, with a more outgoing personality, had become an instant friend to me. But one night, in December of 2004, things began to change. That night a large group of my friends, which included Heather and I, decided to have a sort of pre-Christmas outing to the city. We planned on going ice skating in West Town after eating at our favorite restaurant, Carlos’s Café. Despite our initial intent, we ended up not ice skating after dinner for a reason I can’t remember; instead, we decided to just walk around West Town the rest of the night enjoying the atmosphere and one another’s company. Heather and I spent the whole night around each other. As I got to know her more intimately, thoughts of romance soon filled my mind. And during this night of fun and festivities in West Town, I fell in love with that girl.

As the months passed, my days were filled with thoughts of Heather. I found myself wanting to spend every moment I could with her. Sadly enough I never acted on the feelings of passion and love. My emotions were bold, yet I was not. I stuck close to her and tried to allude to her how I felt, but I never told her outright my feelings. This was a mistake. At the beginning it seemed as though she held the same feelings I did. There were moments that I was so sure that all I had to do was the say the word and Heather would be mine, but I foolishly let them pass me by. Half a year rolled by before I finally revealed my true feelings to Heather only to not receive the same kind of love in return. Heather saw me as a friend, nothing more. I do think that at some point she had romantic feelings towards me, but, for whatever reason, those feelings had melted away. Despite this rejection, I did not shut her out of my life. I could not let this girl leave me. Every moment with her was magical and I would not let that disappear. Instead, I pulled her ever closer to me. I was determined to have this girl in my life, even if it meant only as a friend.

As times began to change, we found ourselves growing inevitably apart. With her attending high school in a separate town and switching churches, we were forced to make our own time for this friendship to grow, and those moments were hard to come by. At one point Heather and I lost contact altogether for about three months; during this time my thoughts drifted from the angel of my dreams. As my high school graduation approached, I received a call from Heather. The fire inside my heart was instantly reignited. She and I both were unhappy with the lack of contact and vowed that the summer would be different. With my departure for college coming and Heather remaining behind to start her junior year of high school, seeing each other after that summer would be very difficult.

All the time I have known Heather I have settled for a lesser love than I hoped for, but the love is pure nonetheless. When the feelings of passion aren’t mutual in a relationship the lack of consistency can undoubtedly put a strain on the relationship. Though there may be love in the relationship it is often overlooked by some and misinterpreted by many. The destructiveness love can bring comes when people don’t find this love. Feeling this loss or emptiness of emotion can cause relationships to fail because there may be a sense of betrayal on the part of the seeker. To overcome this aspect of blindness in a relationship there must be and understanding of the love that does exist. I initially found myself in this position with Heather. I was distraught at the fact that I hadn’t found the love I had been seeking. I almost gave up on the friendship totally. My heart was weakened and my mind was in tangles about what to do. My emotions became a whirlwind of anger, fear, and love, but in the end I had the consciousness to realize there was still a friendly love between the two of us.

Another downfall of the elusive love some pursue is not the fault of the seeker but the fault of the one being sought after. When presented with a suitor not desirable to them, a girl/boy may push that person away and want nothing to do with them. This is a route I thought, at first, Heather might take. Whenever I told her of my true feelings she seemed not very fond of the idea. I felt she may have fallen away had I not had the determination to continue to be her friend at any cost. Soon she warmed back up to me and we were as close as ever. Inside her there must have been a love for me that, combined with my own, was, and is, strong enough to bind us together through the toughest of times.

I have recently grown far more intimate with Heather, seeing her at both her highest and lowest points. Before the end of school Heather had began dating a good friend of hers from her school. Needless to say I didn’t like this very much, but still I kept Heather close to my heart. While in this relationship Heather seemed full of happiness. The boy she had began dating was one of her best friends. She told me she felt comfortable around him and he always made her feel safe. The only thing I could think of when she told me this was how I would be so much better to her than this guy ever could be. Something inside of me told me that this guy did not deserve Heather and was not as pure as he appeared—I was right. Shortly before the school year began for both of us, Heather’s heart was broken—her boyfriend left her for another girl. In the midst of the break-up, Heather’s ex had said hurtful things implying she was an untruthful person and someone who he only befriended in hopes of dating her. Heather was devastated because she had put false value in a friendship that was never pure. In this time of confusion and sadness she turned to me for help. I spent many hours on the phone with her sometimes comforting her, other times just listening to what she said. There were conversations where I had to explain to her how that guy was nothing and she had to let him go, and others where we would just talk and laugh about it all. In the course of this healing, Heather revealed herself to me in her most vulnerable state. The type of trust and reliance she had in me could only have come from a binding love she and I both share. I adore what we have and I will always be there for her and I know she will be there for me. But the love we have, strong as it is, is still not what I truly, deeply, madly desire from her.

To survive the trials of love we sometimes face, we must learn to find and exploit whatever love does exist in the relationship. Just as I did amidst the confusion and pain of rejection from Heather, we need to rely on that which we didn’t find in return to get us through—love. Admittedly, this can very difficult, but with hard work and commitment, the value of love can be found and renewed. The love I hold inside of me may not be one that I was able discover within the heart of Heather, but my situation of love is one of success, nonetheless. In my experiences, though they are limited, I find that love is confusing and sometimes difficult to endure, but if the love is pure it will find a way to survive. I have uncovered the true love of my life and whether that love grows into something more or it remains where it is, I will always do my best to keep it intact. The search for elusive love can be one full of confusion, loss, betrayal, and, hopefully, passionate determination.

Wordle

Failing Despite Forging The Borders Between

A DREAM!!!
It was only a dream...

What's with me? A spoken from a song? Value is put in the randomness of number and codes.

The life I was left wanting shot me through the eyes... once more. I can't hold this anymore.
Her traces leave me tempted.

IT'S GOT TO BE YOU THIS TIME!!!
My weakness is growing beyond patience.

Look at me, talk to me, acknowledge me, grow and become... louder than ever.
Cored out and emptied from the peddling of my sweat and tears, I want more than ever yet I fight more viciously inside.
DON'T YOU DARE GIVE ME THOSE WORDS!!!

I'm down here and you walk by as if I'm gone. You caused me to fall. Some blame is on me but the most of my anguish lies on your shoulders, my dear love... my dear sweet love... goodnight.. tonight.. sleep tight... my love.

YOU'VE.... you've taken my breath... you won't give it back to me.... I'm suffocating.. you're killing me.. I've.. lost.. I've.. I've left.. I've..... failed............

You're Distance

Amend my soul and change my mind.

Face this start and come in time.
Better lines received at last.
Catching her while torn and trashed.
Form the defiance and losing some.
Evading shots but I’ve still not won.
The borders crash into me.
White and cool allow me to breathe.
Falling for you is as resisting the air.
A crafty love draws me to a snare.
Needs and desires fragrant me still.
I am always quick to ignore the chill.
For what does it matter for me today.
If the tomorrow in front changes my way.

Finished Wars

You held me alone there that day. I went with the masses still alone that night. The past overhead let me know things are bigger. Forgetting the latter majestics is a job not allowed by mere chance. She remains a loss in my books. She retreats back to behind. Professionally I have learned to do the patience role. The waits I have on me are far more restricting than any one person can imagine. Coming out of this bed of sleeping desires. Breaking the welds on my eyes. Cutting the mettles away with flames biting and breathing love. A flash in the cove drove me to emptiness. Then I continued on to the dreams I forgot. Moments don’t come long enough for me to complete my needs. But what else do I have to do? Words touch my vision and wrinkle my mind. I speak to Him less than I should. He is the help I need. A beginning entering is distracted by the possibilities once tasted. There is a getaway within the roads I paved myself. I travel it two fast and too often. Breaching this habit that nothing seems to phase is ridiculous and tiring.

This song is done for me. I’m done with you and your games. No matter the pain or burning or shame I will pull through. Friends will help me. You won’t hold or control me. I say this knowing a part of me wishes for the control. The stability. The predictability. This is a weakness that has been exploited so long. I intend with everything I hold inside, everything I use, everything I am to rupture this enclosure around me. This moment is fast approaching. The battle is mounting with anxiety. I’ll kill the oppositions that would have taken me. I’ll wreck the path in front of me. I will take the lives of the loves that I thought were mine. I will lavish my enemies with the pains they intended for me.

Curiosity Copy

I know I may be copying off of Shawna by doing this but I dont care, I'm far too curious to not do it. Who reads my blogs? Comment on this one if you do, please. I just want to know how many people read it on a regular basis... yep. That's all for today.

The Cave Breaks

It is time. The steps came forward. I walked longer and more determined than I had before. With this I brought my own disparities and gloom. Where will I end? Why do I leave? The dark mouth of the cave approaches... and I welcome the darkness. From now, thoughts flow and leave. I'm lost in the black. My eyes remain closed. Even if I do wish to open them nothing is here. Nothing inside. Nothing for me. Nothing given. Nothing shown. Nothing voiced. Nothing written. Nothing. Just nothing.

I feel heavy from the black. It wears down my soul and crushes my body. Killing her venom is a task I won't undertake. I can't just forget what is in my veins, what has been in them for longer than I wish to think. I know it now. Destiny chose me to break over heartache. I was strong for a day, then I was beat down, lower than most. I don't want to fight her attacks, her avoidances, her steps away. I know what this kind of war requires, what it takes from you, what you can't resist amidst the battles. Where next? A third struggle undertaken? I broke free once. Six months later a week(ness) chains me again. If I make it through, what is on the other side? Experiences say peace, softness, relief... regret. One shot in the head, one in the heart. A blade pierced in my side, another in my neck. I drudge forward as my wounds bleed. I'll die from the next opposition in my way. I try to rely on the strength that is endless... but I'm tired and it's become increasingly harder to look up. Hands help to hold me, comfort me, slow the bleeding but never stop it. I look forward to the northern breaks of sky, they blow a wind that is refreshing, cooling, loving. Occasions like this don't always come when I wish. The eyes I love stare at the eyes I see. I'm blinded by the darkness. I stumble out again from the cave. Sunlight bathes me. I breathe in. Fall down. Sleep forever. I wait for the rope of love to wrap me up and drag me to resurface in life. Splashing me with water that freshens me again. My feet hit the floor and I step again. This day is not the last. This day I will survive. The war, the enemy I fight is a coward. Boldness and power flow in me now. His head is mine!

Songs In My Heart

Two songs have been ruling my mind these past few days. They both describe the current situation in my life. They describe it in two different ways, one is talking about the conflict of feelings going on and how you must deal with them without hurting the person on the receiving end. The other talks more about how those feelings have changed the person you are and how that change restricts what you can do to return to who you were and to get back that someone these feelings are for. To get these two songs out here at once I'm going to post each of them, alternating the lyrics between the two songs. Copeland's No One Really Wins in blue and Coheed & Cambria's The End Complete IV: The Road And The Damned in red:


Welcome love, I have made a place for you here
And I know every word they say
I know how they want to make you change

I believed in the world right in front of me,
But now, along these empty streets
Where this curse holds these memories of a man,
You know he's lost.

Change if you want, but don't you go and change for me
I can love you as you are
I didn't mean to make you want to leave

No time to think about it. No room to breathe.

It's a fight between my heart and mind
No one really wins this time
No one really wins this time

If I had a way back, I'd ride through the dark and the dawn
(But please don't wait for me)
Because the man you love don't live anymore.
I can't go home again.

If you don't find a love you want
If I have acted ungracefully
I don't want to see you go
I never meant to make you want to leave

Tonight you'll sleep.
No fear what might become of me, my dear.
Within these end of days
Where this longing turns this man to prey on a love that yearns to die.

Go if you want
Make your way straight to the door
I hope that you look back before you go
Cause grace looks back before it starts to leave

No time to live and doubt it, girl,
I'm worth the second chance. (What have I done)
No time to think about it, no room to breathe.

It's a fight between my heart and mind
No one really wins this time
No one really wins this time
In the endless fight of grace and pride
I don't wanna win this time
I don't wanna win this time

If I had a way back, I'd ride through the dark and the dawn
(Oh please don't wait for me)
Because the man you love don't live anymore.
I can't go home again.

Change if you want, but don't you go and change for me
I will love you as you are
I didn't mean to make you want to leave

I believed in the world once in front of me, well, now that's gone.
If I had a way back, I'd ride through the dark and the dawn
(But please don't wait for me)
Because the man you love don't live anymore.
I can't go home again. x2

It's a fight between my heart and mind
Bye, goodbye.
No one really wins this time
Bye, goodbye.
No one really wins this time
Bye, goodbye.
In the endless fight of grace and pride
Bye, goodbye.
I don't want to win this time
Bye, goodbye.
I don't want to win this time
Bye, goodbye.
In the endless fight of grace and pride
Bye, goodbye.
I don't want to win this time
Bye, goodbye.
I don't want to win this time
Bye, my dear.

You should definitely go listen to both of these songs. Even if they don't speak to you like they do to me, they are great songs to hear.

You can listen to Copeland's song on their myspace page here:

http://www.myspace.com/copeland

Coursing The Veins

So my lovelies, can you guess what is coming to me now? Probably not. I has a trip to White Water Bay fast approaching. Yep, it's on this coming Thursday (and it means I get to skip work). It was previously scheduled for this past Wednesday but alot of the people couldn't make it for different reasons so it was cancelled. This Thursday comes and so does the excitement pandas. Other than that eventful event life is mediocre- work is somewhat monotonous, situations are confusing elsewhere, and 888 is still two months away. On the other hand, I have some super sweet video ideas completely planned out, scripted, and pre-edited... in my head. I know every little aspect of the video that I want, how I want it done, where I want it done, and how it needs to be edited. I can't wait for a good opportunity to shoot them. And one more thing brings me excitement too but I shall only speak three words of it and that is all: The Life Refresh. Let that soup of curiosity simmer in your precious little mindlets.

Revealing Some

This is it? A confrontation now. It was fed by truths I found that sparked and grew. It was a hard thing to tell. It was requested. It was rejected. I had my suspicions about the motivation but threw them off as a fleeting thought. Why shouldn't I? There was reason given to me. False reason I believed blindly. Then the stop brought out the frustrations inside. I began something and pushed on with it. I immediately knew the wrong was mine. I apologized, I had regret. But the reaction received can not help but be questioned and unjustified for me. I sometimes hate what this is. Love is patient... kind... confusing... twisting... feared by some... understood by few... and sometimes hated by me. I'm just gonna wait things out. I can do this. I want to do this. I need to do this. I definitely will do this...

Words and Visions

A photo shoot of fun. My good friend needed some photos for her website and we had been saying she should do a shoot of us, The Haaj, and she finally did it this past weekend.  It was the most fun I've ever had taking pictures. There were tons of things we did and we just had alot of random fun.

In other news, the semi-single life has gripped me. At one point I was dating a wonderful girl, some of the earlier posts referred to this indirectly. We are still in a mutual liking of one another but we are taking it in a more casual direction. There are alot of changes going on in both our lives and a more serious relationship, like what we were headed towards, isn't something we can really handle adequately right now. Things will go on and who knows what will be in store for the two of us in the future. I'm just gonna let God lead me to where I need to be.

Dis-Stressed

Wow. I'm simply in awe. Nature seems to be the instigator here. Yet it feels as if it came into existence on its own. Nothing comes with effort it seems. An exchange with no hesitation or rules in sight. Why am I so happy here? I usually disconnect and worry alone. But this, this has started better than times before when things were primed. If starting here is this strong then where will it end? What about the times of ease? It seems things will only improve. An admitted frustration lingers over the distance, but it's nothing we can't cover. We are both strong. We'll help each other in more ways than one. There is a thought in my head... but sometimes my passion jumps fast. My smile is consistent these days. When my eyes pass it, I lose control. Just two more days and it will be released into full freedom. We see together like nothing else. We speak together like time isn't there. I know I haven't been this mutual with someone. The last and before are gone now to me. Today is today and that's more than I need.

Stepping Out

Fighting.

Struggling.

Three years it went on.

A new one breathes freshly.

Do I leave the comfort?

I truly must.

I'm excited and blind.

It's going smoothly.

"I hope it works."

New Works

Go on now. Take it from me. I’ve got my own now. Are you curious as to what it might be? Well I shall let that remain a mystery. This is turning around and I love the direction I face. The cool wind blows with me as if approving of the path. There used to be so much heaviness to each step I took. I was used to it. I didn’t notice it. But now as I walk with new motivation and life, I can tell how weakened it had made me. Yes, I am human. My thoughts still wonder on what could have been but it’s different than before. I don’t expect this to come about but I do still hope for it too. I have flaws and doubts even amidst this new found hope. I have them because it is new. I’m not sure about it just yet. I know greatness could come but with how much time? I am an impatient being. I’ve put so much into something else that did not come about and I don’t know if I want to leave what I have invested in and start on something new. I’m so not sure, even though this something new seems far more promising if only cause of its youngness. Oh how I roll around in moments and ignore some things I shouldn’t. I avoid the things I need to confront most. Its just a lot of things all at once.

Instead

Oh come on. Why can't I find the push for this task which I must execute. I sit here typing away on nothing when this effort should be put toward something more, something that has more substance, something that will affect my future. But the conversations of early today have drained my mind and are distracting me more than normal. I don't want to say I'm back in something when there is so little to base it on. Days in the future can give this more life but they will be short and fleeting. My heart is beating and wanting for this. Then the looming shadow crosses my mind. I wish for this to be over and in a few short hours it could be... yet I sit here... still typing... still distracted. Does this distracting have something behind it or is it my mind just searching for something to grasp. I am at a time where what I want is taking over. I feel the need and I have the desire but I cannot find it. So much frustration. I want to yell it out. Two steps will bring me to the door and one more, inside. My feet are heavy though and the terrain is unfamiliar. My eyes don't see as they should... I don't know that they ever did. Five more minutes of this and I may be done and it may be too late. I've begun to connect to a different world. I've turned from where I am. Tonight is a peak moment of this. Tonight may change it all.

Trip Up And Ate It

well well, good news all. im going to the 888 Toronto Meetup for YouTube. this is very exciting for me. ive always wanted to go to a YouTube gathering and now i totally get to!!! im gonna be meeting some people there that ive really wanted to meet. people like Shawna (nanalew), Todd (Toddly00), and one of my good buddies KingPolaris. this trip is gonna be expensive but its gonna be so much fun i dont even care at all. well thats about all the listings i have at the moment, i will type to you all some other time.... whoever you all are.

Left Handed, Right Sided

man oh geez.... first one to start off. to  be honest, i dont know how much ima gonna do on here. ill try this out every now and again. i used to do xanga but that kinda got old for me.... this might take a similar road, but we'll give this gun a shot for right now. well, ill say some things about myself: my name is Sam, im 20 yrs old (21 in May), i live in oklahoma, im in college at OU, im a psychology major, i do YouTube often, i aim often, i msn often, i stickam often, i skype some... well if there are any questions throw them up and ill catch what i can and sort them out for ya. catch ya lates!!!