Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Sleepless Now

Punches flew and rage covered the night. I lost. Broken, angry, twisted and tired. I’ve lost the moment and can’t pick the real from habit anymore. The storm never stops pouring on me. Moments relieve my blankness but there is never enough to hold me over where I can catch my breath. I see her; I return. I lose her; I run. I grow bored; another plays me. Her touch is enough to weaken me. I know what it is. I know where it comes from. I don’t know where it goes. It frustrates and darkens my days. Why are there always walls in my way? Can’t she come and meet me at some point? I want her to say something. I want her to give the words I’ve merely dreamt of. It’s so easy to speak her name but for the sake of my heart I will now keep silent. Yet I’m going to go real with you: a truthful time in this poetic rambling. I hide behind these words too much and they merely create more frustration, as I cannot relieve the true words that lead a directed path for you. Always I have had the door opened. Always I have had the name on the front covered. You see my deepest thoughts yet the source they stem from is not there for direction. Now I close the door and let you orient. Now you will hear my words spoken simply from my mouth. Listen close; I speak soft and only once.

I’ve loved her forever. I feel like she was always there in me, I just had to find her. You’ve seen the night I fell for her; I’ve posted that for you to see. But I never spoke of the return I have been so habitual in committing. I will get determination in me and tell myself “I’m done with her,” but it only ever lasts until I see her again, hear her again, touch her again. I’m lost in this. It spins me every time. I know I want her but I just can’t seem to ever get to her. What am I to do? Will she always elude me? Will there ever come a moment when she says, “I want more”? This battle has drained me hard to the core and I cant stand to keep on fighting. I want answers. I know I can find them in God but I am stupid and impatient. My human side wants answers now and I know I don’t receive them cause I am not ready. Still that does not quell my desires for her to come to me one day. I don’t even know if that day will come. I really am lost now. Emotions in me are fluttering deeply in the dark side of pain. I border on depressive moments, not directly due to the situation with her but more due to my self-fighting and lack of reliance on God. See that’s where it feeds itself. I know what I need but I ignore it all the time. As a result I continue to spiral quickly into darkness. I experience moments and feel elation and joy in those months but I have shown Satan my cracks and he digs his claws in me and rips away. I want to cry. I want to sleep. I don’t want to sleep for it means facing another scrambled day. I don’t think she would be the solution to all these problems; I need to solve them before she comes… if she does. I will organize and therein I shall find the answers. I must turn to God but it feels so easy to wallow in pity and tears. Days come where I don’t want happiness; I feel unworthy of it. No matter how many lamps I turn on I’m in darkness and pain. God, come to me now and refresh me and make me strong to face this and find your answer with her. I love you and need you. Clean me and take this waste from my heart and mind. I give myself all to you now. Remember your promises, oh Lord! Your faithfulness and mercy will bring me through anything in my way. You will never allow me to fall so deep that I can’t overcome the depth. You are all I need forever and I want You now!

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