I don't do this much...

i hardly ever really post stuff about whats going on in my life, at least not in any direct or formal manner. not in the manner that a blog is typically thought of. i think its cause i dont feel im very good at expressing myself so directly. my thoughts are just so random that i cant stick to one topic long enough to get anything adequate about it written. but lets give it a go today.

ive been hittin the dcTalk and Newsboys pretty hard lately and its bringing some hard love feelings back. it makes me long for the relationship i know i used to have with God. lately ive slid back and have yet to return to Him. i know with Him everything is better, i catch glimmers of it in times of meditation... but those have been far too momentary and far too sparse. i want to say now, at this moment, that im going to turn around and be stronger and more seeking and more deeply immersed in God than i ever have... but ive said this before... i must forget that, i cant let the past pull me down. God no longer cares about what ive done, he has forgiven me. my memory of my imperfection and the fact that it is being a stumbling block for getting to God is a device of satan that i do not fight very well. i know im unworthy but that should be a bigger reason for going to God, letting Him clean me. fearing and remembering that which God has forgiven is in itself a sin and something in a song really spoke to me and pointed that out at a very crucial moment to me: "You're greatest sin is not the abortion that you've asked forgiveness for, or the adultery, or whatever it is that you did in your life in the past that you're ashamed of, that keeps hounding you. You're greatest sin is not that! You're greatest sin is not believing God's word when God says "You're forgiven!" You're greatest sin is unbelief. You want to repent of something, friend? Stop repenting of sins that you've already repented of, and repent of your unbelief." (Voices by House of Heroes). i know deep inside of me i feel like the sins of my dark past have separated me from God. i have asked for forgiveness, yet i still feel unworthy. i feel He has relieved them from me but my being human naturally makes me remember. i am only a "mere man". God, help me to be more.

i guess i can focus after all.

Burst Rate [working title]

Let me start this off by saying this is my first attempt at a more planned out story with actual dialogue rather than just a poetic narrative or prose. I'm not much of a dialogue writer. It typically seems to come out awkward. But take note that the dialogue in this story is meant to be a bit unnatural and floaty, kinda like an ideal romantic verbal expression. That's what I'm trying for, I don't know if I got that. Some parts are kinda awkward to read but this is a very rough cut. There's going to be more... at some point. Tell me what you guys think. Oh and this is also a bit autobiographical, basically all my writing is:


“She gave me nothing,” he screamed at the past set above his head. “Why did I let her control me?”

The look on Reagan’s face was of the utmost pain and betrayal. The tears from his eyes crept down his face combining with the sweat from this distraught. Two months ago he knew what he was doing. Two months ago he knew what he wanted. Two months ago… he had her.

He saw Katee while he sat in the park at his usual spot by the pond. It began with him looking up at some movement in the corner of his eye. He noticed it was just another pretty girl walking by so he went back to his writing. Then he saw her. The quick glance up at her did not give his brain time to process the details of what he saw. Short moments of reflection allowed him to know what she was. His head rose slowly and he looked up at her once more. Frozen. Stuck. Motionless. He was locked in place by every detail of her. Any part could occupy his time and control his gaze for longer than he should actually look, but by combining all her parts into one sole being, God had made a vision that took Reagan completely. He lost control. He stared with his mouth gaping open in all obviousness of his infatuation.

“Why do you look at me so?” She broke his stare with her simple inquiry.

“I … I’m lost in you,” his words were pure and would travel to new and unknown levels in the near future.

The romance started suddenly. Fast and mysterious were the connected moments between these destined two. Their first date was a return to the place where Reagan had fallen into Katee’s eyes. They sat in the park on the bench watching the white, pure clouds above. As they viewed the pieces of heaven overtop, it was as if they were looking through one another’s eyes.

“No one has ever been able to see my same visions when I look above,” a confused and enamored Reagan sputtered out.

Katee looked at him with her delicate face and when she spoke her voice sounded like what Reagan believed heaven must feel like, “I too have never experienced something as this. Destiny may have brought us here today.”

Reagan silently agreed but could do nothing more than smile and nod as he drank in Katee’s beauty. She was a dream. Would he wake up? His heart told him no. He knew this was a forever sleep for him… and he needed the rest.

As he felt love wash over him he knew Katee was what he was going to dedicate himself to for the rest of his life. His efforts as such went unnoticed once before. His strength had been drained of him in past experiences.

Joshua Reagan was a quiet and passionate man who often found himself completely enthralled in singular events. He analyzed them over and over trying to find any detail, any word, any crack that he may point to and say, “There! That is the sign I need!” These analyses were his main source of inference when it came to reading the actions or words of the most befuddling opposition he ever faced: women. Women in Reagan’s life were always elusive and confusing. He rode into each encounter with them armed and ready to read yet he failed every time. His lack of self-confidence in his words was his largest and most overwhelming flaw. Conversations were typically one-sided with Reagan being the silent listener, ever afraid to make any utterance. Inside his mind he always had things to say but he debunked them before they could come out. Most or all of his opinions and words were judged intricately and unfairly prior to being released to another. This was especially prominent with any women that merited some sort of romantic interest in Reagan’s mind. So his silence closed him off and allowed him little chance to obtain any sort of true romantic companionship from any of the billions of women in the world, save two.

Something Is Here

As I walked into my house the chill of realization shook my calm. A sudden and polar switch in tempo took my thoughts. The night that I was previously in, full of fun and happiness was quickly dispersed in a mere instant. I can’t say there was surprise as I realized the intrusion had come. I had denied the truth of this moment for so long but now it broke its way in, past my false securities. Standing there, staring at the back door I had ignored for years, I heard that familiar noise and I knew what was next. Turning around, I faced that wretched beast, the one I had only fought with tactics of ignoring. Before I spoke I was slammed into the walls, my brain jarring within my skull and my eyes falling into a glazed darkness. I awoke in indescribable shame. I stood up; my legs were wobbly and weak. My mind was still a little hazy but it began to clear. I had failed again. I knew I would. The reality of this soon washed over me with overwhelming force. I collapsed back to the floor in tears. The lies I fed myself about having overcome this shattered as if they were never there.

In the moments of peace without the beast, I convinced myself it was gone for good. Deep within me, though, a small yet sturdy voice spoke with veracity. The true strength of the beast was in the abundance of peace it allowed me to have, but therein also rested its greatest weakness. With its persistent absence, the dark creature allowed my mind to forget the threat it presented. It employed the strategy of out of sight, out of mind, if you will. This worked marvelously against me. I gladly rested in my blindness. I was grateful he allowed me that much. But the peace soon became shorter, his attacks more frequent. He began bombarding me heavily and constantly. And then he would stop. For weeks at a time, longer than he ever had before, he would stop. The inconsistency in what I had learned to be consistent twisted me. I fell into a calm yet wild mindset. I began to just sit, drinking in the time without those horrid moments of brutality. I almost waited for them, almost wanting them to come so I had something familiar. I was on the edge of giving in to the monster and letting him take me whole. But a small flame flared up around me. Soon it roared forth and melted the darkness away. My home that I had harbored the beast at was gone. I was free. I began again. My life was flourishing as it had before the darkness had found me. Then tonight came. The beast found me. I had done nothing to prevent it. But now I’ve had enough. He meets his end tonight.

Like all things in this world, the impossible monster I battle must rest. I knew this and I used that time to rest myself, always knowing what I should be doing. You see, in his sleep, the creature is vulnerable. He is weak. He is exposed. And as I sat there on the floor, hot tears running down my face, I determined what I would do. I stood up boldly shaking all the weakness from me. Though the darkness the creature brought with him still lingered in my home I found what I was looking for, because I knew… I knew exactly where it was. I paused for a moment as I felt disappointment in myself. I knew exactly where it was… the whole time. All these years, I knew exactly where it was. I knew exactly how to use it. I knew exactly when I should use it. But I did nothing. As I drew the sword from its sheath it glimmered in the light. The light? By merely removing the weapon from its holding place the remaining darkness of the beast fled, revealing a brilliant light I used to know so well. I steadied myself and stepped out the back door. I had never seen where the monster slept but somehow I knew. My feet guided me while my mind remained curious as to where I was headed. By the time I realized I had stopped walking I must’ve already been there for some time. I had felt where the soft ground had sunken down significantly under my weight. And there he was. Sleeping fast and hard with his crooked mouth contorted into a smile. No doubt he was smiling from his recent triumph over me. My anger swelled and I raised my sword above my head. As I thrust it down into the beast’s neck I felt specks of blood hit my face. I didn’t care. I pulled the sword out violently and swung it down to chop off the head of my oppressor. The screams that were released from its mouth did not come as a singular voice but a voice of many. Steam rose from the warm blood as it met the cool night air. I stood there motionless for hours; blood still on my face. Then the rain fell washing my sword and me clean. I felt relief, amazing relief. But deep down I knew there would be more battles still. I knew this fiend was no unique creature; it was merely the sordid device of some greater evil. An evil that I know has no plans to slow its assault….

(I posted this on my MySpace a while ago but I decided to post it here too)

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The last moments they find me tired
Fighting sleep and trying against fire
To where I'm heading, leaving alone
Checking over and over a silent phone
When, why, what, who will be salvation?
Come with some words, more integration
Did today happen as planned?
Is there something to be in my hand?
I hope for her and think of many
A sign so obvious, please clear me

Theory

Does it work this way?

Will I fall or Fade?
I'm turning around
I'm determining now
This moment calls me to such
I've lost many battles but the Lord lifts me up
I believe this next week's end will bring some good
On my part I will do as I should
It's so much easier when things are in order
Let's build the walls back up, faith as our mortar

(secret: make Mark of the Question below... carefully)

What's worth it?