Monday, September 22, 2008

Something Is Here

As I walked into my house the chill of realization shook my calm. A sudden and polar switch in tempo took my thoughts. The night that I was previously in, full of fun and happiness was quickly dispersed in a mere instant. I can’t say there was surprise as I realized the intrusion had come. I had denied the truth of this moment for so long but now it broke its way in, past my false securities. Standing there, staring at the back door I had ignored for years, I heard that familiar noise and I knew what was next. Turning around, I faced that wretched beast, the one I had only fought with tactics of ignoring. Before I spoke I was slammed into the walls, my brain jarring within my skull and my eyes falling into a glazed darkness. I awoke in indescribable shame. I stood up; my legs were wobbly and weak. My mind was still a little hazy but it began to clear. I had failed again. I knew I would. The reality of this soon washed over me with overwhelming force. I collapsed back to the floor in tears. The lies I fed myself about having overcome this shattered as if they were never there.

In the moments of peace without the beast, I convinced myself it was gone for good. Deep within me, though, a small yet sturdy voice spoke with veracity. The true strength of the beast was in the abundance of peace it allowed me to have, but therein also rested its greatest weakness. With its persistent absence, the dark creature allowed my mind to forget the threat it presented. It employed the strategy of out of sight, out of mind, if you will. This worked marvelously against me. I gladly rested in my blindness. I was grateful he allowed me that much. But the peace soon became shorter, his attacks more frequent. He began bombarding me heavily and constantly. And then he would stop. For weeks at a time, longer than he ever had before, he would stop. The inconsistency in what I had learned to be consistent twisted me. I fell into a calm yet wild mindset. I began to just sit, drinking in the time without those horrid moments of brutality. I almost waited for them, almost wanting them to come so I had something familiar. I was on the edge of giving in to the monster and letting him take me whole. But a small flame flared up around me. Soon it roared forth and melted the darkness away. My home that I had harbored the beast at was gone. I was free. I began again. My life was flourishing as it had before the darkness had found me. Then tonight came. The beast found me. I had done nothing to prevent it. But now I’ve had enough. He meets his end tonight.

Like all things in this world, the impossible monster I battle must rest. I knew this and I used that time to rest myself, always knowing what I should be doing. You see, in his sleep, the creature is vulnerable. He is weak. He is exposed. And as I sat there on the floor, hot tears running down my face, I determined what I would do. I stood up boldly shaking all the weakness from me. Though the darkness the creature brought with him still lingered in my home I found what I was looking for, because I knew… I knew exactly where it was. I paused for a moment as I felt disappointment in myself. I knew exactly where it was… the whole time. All these years, I knew exactly where it was. I knew exactly how to use it. I knew exactly when I should use it. But I did nothing. As I drew the sword from its sheath it glimmered in the light. The light? By merely removing the weapon from its holding place the remaining darkness of the beast fled, revealing a brilliant light I used to know so well. I steadied myself and stepped out the back door. I had never seen where the monster slept but somehow I knew. My feet guided me while my mind remained curious as to where I was headed. By the time I realized I had stopped walking I must’ve already been there for some time. I had felt where the soft ground had sunken down significantly under my weight. And there he was. Sleeping fast and hard with his crooked mouth contorted into a smile. No doubt he was smiling from his recent triumph over me. My anger swelled and I raised my sword above my head. As I thrust it down into the beast’s neck I felt specks of blood hit my face. I didn’t care. I pulled the sword out violently and swung it down to chop off the head of my oppressor. The screams that were released from its mouth did not come as a singular voice but a voice of many. Steam rose from the warm blood as it met the cool night air. I stood there motionless for hours; blood still on my face. Then the rain fell washing my sword and me clean. I felt relief, amazing relief. But deep down I knew there would be more battles still. I knew this fiend was no unique creature; it was merely the sordid device of some greater evil. An evil that I know has no plans to slow its assault….

(I posted this on my MySpace a while ago but I decided to post it here too)

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