I'm taking a break....

Sleepless Now

Punches flew and rage covered the night. I lost. Broken, angry, twisted and tired. I’ve lost the moment and can’t pick the real from habit anymore. The storm never stops pouring on me. Moments relieve my blankness but there is never enough to hold me over where I can catch my breath. I see her; I return. I lose her; I run. I grow bored; another plays me. Her touch is enough to weaken me. I know what it is. I know where it comes from. I don’t know where it goes. It frustrates and darkens my days. Why are there always walls in my way? Can’t she come and meet me at some point? I want her to say something. I want her to give the words I’ve merely dreamt of. It’s so easy to speak her name but for the sake of my heart I will now keep silent. Yet I’m going to go real with you: a truthful time in this poetic rambling. I hide behind these words too much and they merely create more frustration, as I cannot relieve the true words that lead a directed path for you. Always I have had the door opened. Always I have had the name on the front covered. You see my deepest thoughts yet the source they stem from is not there for direction. Now I close the door and let you orient. Now you will hear my words spoken simply from my mouth. Listen close; I speak soft and only once.

I’ve loved her forever. I feel like she was always there in me, I just had to find her. You’ve seen the night I fell for her; I’ve posted that for you to see. But I never spoke of the return I have been so habitual in committing. I will get determination in me and tell myself “I’m done with her,” but it only ever lasts until I see her again, hear her again, touch her again. I’m lost in this. It spins me every time. I know I want her but I just can’t seem to ever get to her. What am I to do? Will she always elude me? Will there ever come a moment when she says, “I want more”? This battle has drained me hard to the core and I cant stand to keep on fighting. I want answers. I know I can find them in God but I am stupid and impatient. My human side wants answers now and I know I don’t receive them cause I am not ready. Still that does not quell my desires for her to come to me one day. I don’t even know if that day will come. I really am lost now. Emotions in me are fluttering deeply in the dark side of pain. I border on depressive moments, not directly due to the situation with her but more due to my self-fighting and lack of reliance on God. See that’s where it feeds itself. I know what I need but I ignore it all the time. As a result I continue to spiral quickly into darkness. I experience moments and feel elation and joy in those months but I have shown Satan my cracks and he digs his claws in me and rips away. I want to cry. I want to sleep. I don’t want to sleep for it means facing another scrambled day. I don’t think she would be the solution to all these problems; I need to solve them before she comes… if she does. I will organize and therein I shall find the answers. I must turn to God but it feels so easy to wallow in pity and tears. Days come where I don’t want happiness; I feel unworthy of it. No matter how many lamps I turn on I’m in darkness and pain. God, come to me now and refresh me and make me strong to face this and find your answer with her. I love you and need you. Clean me and take this waste from my heart and mind. I give myself all to you now. Remember your promises, oh Lord! Your faithfulness and mercy will bring me through anything in my way. You will never allow me to fall so deep that I can’t overcome the depth. You are all I need forever and I want You now!

Begin The Countdown... Start At 888

888 was a beginning of something. I felt it. Drake felt it. We talked about it. We planted seeds. I don't want to call it a revolution cause that sounds violent and self-righteous. I'd call more of a return to the early times. That's what we need now. No more singular mindsets. No more celebrity walls being put up. No more separation. Communication is key. Talking, conversing, bringing the community feel and equality back into focus. It will take work. It will take searching. It will take time. But it can be a great positive change. This is something I feel very strongly about. Something we both feel very strongly about; something that we are going to begin this. We aren't as much like others, full of talk and heavy words lacking action. We won't try to inspire by phrases, we will be examples by movement. It will be spoken of and it will be spread. The return is going to be wonderful, the return will be difficult.

Lost Notes

The song waivers and falters and flees from my mind.
My grip squeezes tighter but nothing doing, I'm out of time.
Fighting the tears and cold I can't leap into unknown.
What am I to do if all I've loved is not for me?
Can I begin again with my passions drained?
Her name, her eyes, her hair, her voice.
A flame livens when any come to me.
Being forced into the world makes me feel lost.
What of these counters to what I have thought?
Help surely will find me, before I fail and die.
Keep it together now, it's far too much to entertain.
A hug, a kiss, a smile, a touch.
Bring me knowledge and assurance.
Can it be tomorrow today?

The Kings of Canadian Transit

Drake and I got our free transit passes upon our arrival to the science on 888-that is when our rule over the city with an iron fist began. Within the first few hours of examining our maps we became experts of the Toronto streets and how to get to anywhere in the city. We knew which buses to take and how long it would take to get anywhere we wanted. We were asked several times for directions by other tourists and we answered with confidence that even exceeded some of the locals' sense of direction. When we return to Toronto [which is looking to be steady and strong possibility] we will only further our prowess in the Kingdom we have departed from for the time being. We were rulers of our destinations, we were The Kings of Canadian Transit!

888

It's fast approaching...
Just a few short hours until I leave...
I'm excited...
So much so that my energy is drained and it seems that I am unaffected by the event coming...
But deep down I know I'm more excited than I can express...
This is going to be amazing...
Shawna, see you soon!!!

Plate II

I'm in a moment I wish I wasn't in

I'm fighting off catastrophes that will bring me to my end

Forget me in the years that come in a day

Regretfully you and I head separate ways

God told me that's how it will be

I do enjoy you but there's another for me

Is she south or north of here

I walk in God's way, nothing to fear

Plate

Situation overload

I think I'm losing all control
No one left to guide this gun
My soul is jaded, my mind undone
Killing a life I found one year
You fly in mass, you go by ear
Grudgingly I stepped on my enemy's head
It was the finishing moment that brought me dread
Tomorrow maybe but today is worn
Find the left-sided mystery that's in store

Mid

The realization of changing hit my ears

Finding the reason for a switch to years
Nothing there it seems for me
Options drain to two from three
An advantage lies with the one
Proximity claims her upper handed sun
A blink of clarity coming through
First day in and I have a needed clue

Untitled

The mark runs deep in you
What is it I need to do
Trash out the lost and needless
Her eyes avoid me sightless
I am open and speaking
She holds tight, not breaking
The patience role and waits I hold
It will be worth it when she steps old
The word I wish, I know is there
Every moment about her, every air.

Mexico: Day 4

Journal Entry
The beauty of the Lord and his power to break the barriers that we as humans see as nearly impenetrable continues to amaze me. At pastor Adan's church when we had praise and worship it was amazing. I didn't know what they were saying but I knew what they were saying. One God unites us, makes us family. We sweat and laugh and cry together. We support one another, we pray with each other. God has filled me with awe everyday and there is more to come. We have the walls and the siding up, there isn't much left to do, we will definitely finish tomorrow.

Second Guesses, Maybe Not Chances

Does passion run fast?
I'm afraid I return to habits of the past.
Will I push her away by showing these words?
I'm hoping and praying I'm not absurd.
Let God and time take this to its place.
We can move and change to a new space.