Failing Despite Forging The Borders Between

A DREAM!!!
It was only a dream...

What's with me? A spoken from a song? Value is put in the randomness of number and codes.

The life I was left wanting shot me through the eyes... once more. I can't hold this anymore.
Her traces leave me tempted.

IT'S GOT TO BE YOU THIS TIME!!!
My weakness is growing beyond patience.

Look at me, talk to me, acknowledge me, grow and become... louder than ever.
Cored out and emptied from the peddling of my sweat and tears, I want more than ever yet I fight more viciously inside.
DON'T YOU DARE GIVE ME THOSE WORDS!!!

I'm down here and you walk by as if I'm gone. You caused me to fall. Some blame is on me but the most of my anguish lies on your shoulders, my dear love... my dear sweet love... goodnight.. tonight.. sleep tight... my love.

YOU'VE.... you've taken my breath... you won't give it back to me.... I'm suffocating.. you're killing me.. I've.. lost.. I've.. I've left.. I've..... failed............

You're Distance

Amend my soul and change my mind.

Face this start and come in time.
Better lines received at last.
Catching her while torn and trashed.
Form the defiance and losing some.
Evading shots but I’ve still not won.
The borders crash into me.
White and cool allow me to breathe.
Falling for you is as resisting the air.
A crafty love draws me to a snare.
Needs and desires fragrant me still.
I am always quick to ignore the chill.
For what does it matter for me today.
If the tomorrow in front changes my way.

Finished Wars

You held me alone there that day. I went with the masses still alone that night. The past overhead let me know things are bigger. Forgetting the latter majestics is a job not allowed by mere chance. She remains a loss in my books. She retreats back to behind. Professionally I have learned to do the patience role. The waits I have on me are far more restricting than any one person can imagine. Coming out of this bed of sleeping desires. Breaking the welds on my eyes. Cutting the mettles away with flames biting and breathing love. A flash in the cove drove me to emptiness. Then I continued on to the dreams I forgot. Moments don’t come long enough for me to complete my needs. But what else do I have to do? Words touch my vision and wrinkle my mind. I speak to Him less than I should. He is the help I need. A beginning entering is distracted by the possibilities once tasted. There is a getaway within the roads I paved myself. I travel it two fast and too often. Breaching this habit that nothing seems to phase is ridiculous and tiring.

This song is done for me. I’m done with you and your games. No matter the pain or burning or shame I will pull through. Friends will help me. You won’t hold or control me. I say this knowing a part of me wishes for the control. The stability. The predictability. This is a weakness that has been exploited so long. I intend with everything I hold inside, everything I use, everything I am to rupture this enclosure around me. This moment is fast approaching. The battle is mounting with anxiety. I’ll kill the oppositions that would have taken me. I’ll wreck the path in front of me. I will take the lives of the loves that I thought were mine. I will lavish my enemies with the pains they intended for me.

Curiosity Copy

I know I may be copying off of Shawna by doing this but I dont care, I'm far too curious to not do it. Who reads my blogs? Comment on this one if you do, please. I just want to know how many people read it on a regular basis... yep. That's all for today.

The Cave Breaks

It is time. The steps came forward. I walked longer and more determined than I had before. With this I brought my own disparities and gloom. Where will I end? Why do I leave? The dark mouth of the cave approaches... and I welcome the darkness. From now, thoughts flow and leave. I'm lost in the black. My eyes remain closed. Even if I do wish to open them nothing is here. Nothing inside. Nothing for me. Nothing given. Nothing shown. Nothing voiced. Nothing written. Nothing. Just nothing.

I feel heavy from the black. It wears down my soul and crushes my body. Killing her venom is a task I won't undertake. I can't just forget what is in my veins, what has been in them for longer than I wish to think. I know it now. Destiny chose me to break over heartache. I was strong for a day, then I was beat down, lower than most. I don't want to fight her attacks, her avoidances, her steps away. I know what this kind of war requires, what it takes from you, what you can't resist amidst the battles. Where next? A third struggle undertaken? I broke free once. Six months later a week(ness) chains me again. If I make it through, what is on the other side? Experiences say peace, softness, relief... regret. One shot in the head, one in the heart. A blade pierced in my side, another in my neck. I drudge forward as my wounds bleed. I'll die from the next opposition in my way. I try to rely on the strength that is endless... but I'm tired and it's become increasingly harder to look up. Hands help to hold me, comfort me, slow the bleeding but never stop it. I look forward to the northern breaks of sky, they blow a wind that is refreshing, cooling, loving. Occasions like this don't always come when I wish. The eyes I love stare at the eyes I see. I'm blinded by the darkness. I stumble out again from the cave. Sunlight bathes me. I breathe in. Fall down. Sleep forever. I wait for the rope of love to wrap me up and drag me to resurface in life. Splashing me with water that freshens me again. My feet hit the floor and I step again. This day is not the last. This day I will survive. The war, the enemy I fight is a coward. Boldness and power flow in me now. His head is mine!

Songs In My Heart

Two songs have been ruling my mind these past few days. They both describe the current situation in my life. They describe it in two different ways, one is talking about the conflict of feelings going on and how you must deal with them without hurting the person on the receiving end. The other talks more about how those feelings have changed the person you are and how that change restricts what you can do to return to who you were and to get back that someone these feelings are for. To get these two songs out here at once I'm going to post each of them, alternating the lyrics between the two songs. Copeland's No One Really Wins in blue and Coheed & Cambria's The End Complete IV: The Road And The Damned in red:


Welcome love, I have made a place for you here
And I know every word they say
I know how they want to make you change

I believed in the world right in front of me,
But now, along these empty streets
Where this curse holds these memories of a man,
You know he's lost.

Change if you want, but don't you go and change for me
I can love you as you are
I didn't mean to make you want to leave

No time to think about it. No room to breathe.

It's a fight between my heart and mind
No one really wins this time
No one really wins this time

If I had a way back, I'd ride through the dark and the dawn
(But please don't wait for me)
Because the man you love don't live anymore.
I can't go home again.

If you don't find a love you want
If I have acted ungracefully
I don't want to see you go
I never meant to make you want to leave

Tonight you'll sleep.
No fear what might become of me, my dear.
Within these end of days
Where this longing turns this man to prey on a love that yearns to die.

Go if you want
Make your way straight to the door
I hope that you look back before you go
Cause grace looks back before it starts to leave

No time to live and doubt it, girl,
I'm worth the second chance. (What have I done)
No time to think about it, no room to breathe.

It's a fight between my heart and mind
No one really wins this time
No one really wins this time
In the endless fight of grace and pride
I don't wanna win this time
I don't wanna win this time

If I had a way back, I'd ride through the dark and the dawn
(Oh please don't wait for me)
Because the man you love don't live anymore.
I can't go home again.

Change if you want, but don't you go and change for me
I will love you as you are
I didn't mean to make you want to leave

I believed in the world once in front of me, well, now that's gone.
If I had a way back, I'd ride through the dark and the dawn
(But please don't wait for me)
Because the man you love don't live anymore.
I can't go home again. x2

It's a fight between my heart and mind
Bye, goodbye.
No one really wins this time
Bye, goodbye.
No one really wins this time
Bye, goodbye.
In the endless fight of grace and pride
Bye, goodbye.
I don't want to win this time
Bye, goodbye.
I don't want to win this time
Bye, goodbye.
In the endless fight of grace and pride
Bye, goodbye.
I don't want to win this time
Bye, goodbye.
I don't want to win this time
Bye, my dear.

You should definitely go listen to both of these songs. Even if they don't speak to you like they do to me, they are great songs to hear.

You can listen to Copeland's song on their myspace page here:

http://www.myspace.com/copeland

Coursing The Veins

So my lovelies, can you guess what is coming to me now? Probably not. I has a trip to White Water Bay fast approaching. Yep, it's on this coming Thursday (and it means I get to skip work). It was previously scheduled for this past Wednesday but alot of the people couldn't make it for different reasons so it was cancelled. This Thursday comes and so does the excitement pandas. Other than that eventful event life is mediocre- work is somewhat monotonous, situations are confusing elsewhere, and 888 is still two months away. On the other hand, I have some super sweet video ideas completely planned out, scripted, and pre-edited... in my head. I know every little aspect of the video that I want, how I want it done, where I want it done, and how it needs to be edited. I can't wait for a good opportunity to shoot them. And one more thing brings me excitement too but I shall only speak three words of it and that is all: The Life Refresh. Let that soup of curiosity simmer in your precious little mindlets.