Myths of Past

Like looking both ways on a one way street

It's an unnecessary recognition
Walking away from repeated needs
How can she debate on them and not see me
A fever wrecks my thoughts
Wishing that I was there
"I love you" echoing deeper inside
I'm moving on but idealization doesn't die
A thought will always call to her, as it does for another
When will I know it's real
How is this going to be returned
Living, living, hurting and dying
Wanting, wanting, waiting and trying
I've confounded this concept
This case calls for recess
It's dynamic and fooled
It's heated and cooled
Endings start the past
Tonight we won't last

Where To Be

Impatience is a virtue for those who've waited too long

This endless hope need not go on
When will stability reign
When does pleasure take away pain
A black heat, hopeless
A racing beast, slowless
Do what you will
My heart is jaded, alone and steel
My words are said, it's all I need
Walk on in denial, it's over, relieved
The past returns in name alone
A warmth unfamiliar, feels like home
Your lips curl and a smile breaks silence
This is me revived, hopeful against defiance
Tell me again of those moments of old
When secrets were broken and hearts were told

To Live

Tell me of love, of pain, of suffering

Tell me of times of joy lasting tirelessly
Speak those words of praise, divine reverence
It's time to face the lost
It's time to lose your will
Love lasts but dwells among desperation
How do you determine such commitment

Tell me of hate, of pleasure, of happiness
Tell me of those moments lost in investment
I'm fighting these choices when God is leading
Do I know Him as I should
His voice is set behind my own
I'm losing because I chase this path
I will soon lose the source I know
My future is uncertain, I've lost who I am
My potential is squandered

Tell me of choice, of future, of falling
Tell me my life is going, changing
Speak to me and don't let me go
But it's time to leave
It's time to break away
Tell me to dedicate
Tell me to live

Battle Recouped

I breathe in the smoke. I walk in the fog. The battle has ended. Confusion is the victor. I stumble around with ringing in my ears. The bodies of my fellow soldiers lie around my feet. Forget trying to connect the moments past, the bombs broke them far beyond repair. History for me is reshaped. Maybe the earth’s history as a whole is shaken by a single gunshot. The structure of my life will never be the same.

I’ve walked miles now. Still lost in this field of pain. Still lost in the thoughts that are in me. I now know the ringing came from my thoughts, not the bombs around. The pistol feels molded to my hand. My grip is loose and lifeless yet the gun does not fall. The weapon is a part of me, or am I a part of it? I don’t know anymore; it’s been too many years. The consistency breaks when I enter the trees. Soldiers are running towards the field I have left. They are where I can’t see, only where I can hear. My heart sinks as I know what fate they are falling into. But I still can’t stop moving towards something else, something I do not know, something that draws me stronger and yet weaker than anything that has ever touched me before. I forget the pains inside my head. I walk into the light inside. The war has touched me in a most oddly freeing way.

I am Beckard Thomas and I am a warrior. I have long forgotten what side I fight for; I now only follow orders blindly. My gun fires with the deadliest of accuracy. Through my obedience and superb fighting skills I have acquired one of the highest ranks a foot soldier in this war machine can hold. This accomplishment is something I am neither proud of nor care about. My hands have taken lives far surpassing any number I would dare count… yet I don’t stop. I still follow orders. Or I should say I did follow orders. Now I walk. I only walk; it’s me alone with my metal hand of death by my side… and the staff. I didn’t remember it being there, my memory had long since lost its credibility to me and in turn it had lowered itself down to an almost unusable level. The staff was merely noticed by me when I leaned up against a tree and felt it pressing against my back as if to say “I’ll annoy you until you remember me.” I did remember some things about my past but they only came to me when I focused most of my energy on recalling those events. And still there were some parts of my life that I have never fully seen and some parts I don’t want to see.

Who am I? Am I Beckard Thomas? What was I before? During this war I had time to forget all that I was. I left my vague and jaded memory to rust in rest while I killed the memories of others. I let all the moments blur into a black haze in my mind. I had nearly forgotten how to recall them when my gasping mind reminded me.

Tell Me of Love

I've thought on love and how it works, what it is. To me love can hardly be explained with intent. For me, the clarity of love comes through in a moment where I let myself go. The connection is made with no effort. Love is something elusive and amazing. Love is natural and unattempted. Love makes us feel alive. Love is a fire that burns our emotions and lets us know there is more out there than caring for ourselves. We love in the hopes that we are loved; in the hopes that we can be recognized as worthy of such an overwhelming and passionate feeling. Love is selfish. Love wants everything for itself; it wants all to be under its blanket of fire. I feel that for this reason, when two people find such a power as love between each other, they truly become one. Love binds us to another soul showing us that we are not animals; showing us that we are humans and showing us how much farther we can go than mere humanity. Love is everlasting and holy. Love is amazing and destructive. Love is kind and patient. Love is the universe created for the most cherished creation. Love breaks us into imperfect pieces only to meld us into unison with that other magnificently imperfect being that completes us. It brings us to a perfection lost in the human eye; a perfection seen only by the heart.

Miro and my brother

My pup has grown quite a bit. Looking back at that other pic, he seems so gangly and not totally grown into his ears. Now his face has filled out and he looks much more awesome. I've been living quite nicely these past few months. No particular things come to mind to speak of.

My brother's football career came to an end with a season ending injury a few weeks back and his last two games are coming up these next two weekends. It's sad to see something like this head out after it having been such a big part of his life. He's played football since the third grade and I know it's gonna leave some sort of an empty feeling when it's finally over for good for him. I love my brother and I know he's a strong guy but I know he's gonna go through this in some sort of hard way. I've always looked up to and loved my brother. His hard work in football and school is something I have never been able to touch but I have always BIRGed off it. BIRG is a term I learned several years ago in social psychology and I've always used it in my head and now I'm gonna start saying it. It stands for Basking In Reflected Glory and it's the reason we always want to brag about our friends and family because we feel that their good qualities somehow reflect on who we are. So there's a little tidbit for ya. I BIRG off my big brother cause he is an amazing man of God and I love him.

I realize that this entry is a little scattered but that's how I think, in a scattered way.

Night Drive

You are the weakness, my perfection
I'm searching for you, a dear reception
Timing counted up to this day
Driving and screaming, throw night away
We're something effortless, impossible if tried
I'm running to you but I run out of time
If this is it I'll gladly lose breath
Embrace the ending, for pursuit is death

Carry Out

I've turned from desire
Lost and tired
She was a settled mind
Someone else's to find
I'm gripping on tendencies
Losing my realities
I make these eyes see
I force her words to be
Betrayed optimism
Wicked skepticism
Absent voices add to hope
I will never see clearly, vision choked
Romanticized
Idealized
Visualized
Realized

That Girl

Break fresh unto my heart
A clouded night with clearness
Your words build me to hope for more
But my hope has been taken before
Is it possible for me to ever grow?
Must I sit in circles, losing time?
My years have been wrong if this is it
I've tried to fight, be slow, be smart
But waves engulf me
I know my passion and I know I value
Still it's difficult to see past myself
I don't know how many more times I can handle this
I've invested naturally for so long
I don't think it's possible with effort
I don't think I have the patience to try
This is a moment of loss, of grasping
But I want a lifetime of holding
Something to keep me together
I felt that
I know there's more
How do I embrace it?
She's true
She has to feel something
Is boldness my path now?
I am in a haze
I became whole with her touch
I awoke like never before
My thoughts are pulling to that name
That face
That smile
Those words
And reacting has never been harder

I'm Stable. I'm Okay.

This night I felt a tumult
This day began to crumble
I pretend it's not happening
I cannot shake my trembling
Such mortality brought
Such stability rocked
It's a search for maybes
It's those empty phrases
The fire eats my heart
The emotions drag apart
After this it's humanity
After loss is insanity

It's Meant

This habit is breaking apart my soul
Tasting heat, fighting pain, holding cold
Create a way to strike a nerve
Turning a beat, seeing disdain, writing a word
Save yourself from this investment regret
Saying defeat, losing my reign, lovingly met
Look to the signs and realize failure
Being replete, knowing shame, boldly tell her

Late Title

I don't wanna force a post on here but lately I've not been in the writing mood. I haven't written a thing in a good long while. I know two posts ago I did an update but that was almost 4 weeks ago. These past weeks I've been at my job, just doing what I do. This summer has been lacking in adventure for me and I've really needed something to kick start things or just kick in general, lol. I'm pretty sure I've found that now.

Miro is getting quite big. I really look forward to having that little dude around for a good long while, I love my pup so much. He's just as smart as ever. He's learned to sit, lay down, stand on two feet, and he knew how to speak but now he doesn't do it anymore and I don't know why.

This post is really just so I don't feel like I've totally neglected my blog and those few who read it. So, I'm alive, I'm doing good, I'll be doing better, and I love you all. =]

When We Wake

I've gotta die tonight

I've gotta live to fight
Times of desire break
Times of denial take

We pull into light
We push, contrite
Call and create
Kiss and debate

It's no time for might
It's not sound over sight
For you it's too late
For us, it's my fate

It's Time For A Word

Ok, so life is going good for me. I'm really headed on the up and up. I've said that to a couple of friends recently, the up and up thing, and I really mean it. I really like the phrase and I got it from a Relient K song- such a good band. I've gone through some big, positive changes in these past few weeks. I really feel like I'm going in a great direction right now. I'm finding myself and learning to fix me before I try to get anyone else involved in any dedicated way. I have great friends that have helped me by understanding this and have also been a catalyst in some ways. The new people in my life have been completely amazing and I'm so glad that I've met them all. I'm sure you know who you are if you're reading this. I've grown close to people through the things I love to do and all in all life is going awesome. Keep it rolling all of you out there in the internets!

The Moment

I want this to be amazing.

What is this?
My life needs to be blazing.
Will I burn?
This night mixes, failing.
Why is it here?
Winning is not telling.
How is this so?
This breaking is living
Who is there?
I'm growing by giving
Where are you?

And React

She caught me slower

I feel it closer
A control on my love
A stream from a flood
Her steps go strayed
Releasing the waves
Do eyes match hers
Words made sure
She holds and leaves
Torn by defeat
Hope for fondness
No vain, just promise

For Breaks and Lies

Don't address this as you think you must

The action inside is not what I trust
Included by birth and lost with love
I find nothing here more than a flood
Walk a street in the dead of night
Moon shine, stars dance, clouds fight
Claps of pounding echo my heart
Streaks, jagged and worn, tear apart
A thick pillow in my face
No eye for a familiar place
I stumble over words, bleed and bruise
Which did I mean, which did I lose
For you I live blind in silence
One touch will help me find this

You're Leaving Them All

It's just like everything you do. Is this who you think you are? This speed rips past and you lose control. Rage courses in your blood and you have nothing left. With one chance to save us all I release my restraint and we break. I strike. You fall. We bleed. They call. I cannot believe that which you have become. It's something so much more than what I can proclaim. This switch, this scream, this life, this endless blaze takes me into its cold arms. I'm blinded in a situation so familiar. I'm searching the words with a bias. Why am I lost in such games? Time has proven to give me no insight into the opposing mind. Blood falls from my lips. I cannot win with my fists falling away. They move. We freeze. You run. I breathe. Letting you go brings those familiar painful songs. I will not hold this anymore. Maturity and boldness will encourage me. I will cope with this reality. There is nothing else I can do. All fight is gone. All blood is lost. This moon shadows my day. The heart falls apart. Investment in moments unsure was a fate that I took beyond. Never should I have left with nothing in now. Never again will I return to those follies.

The Only Other One

I found myself here talking with heat at my ear. Words spill in selfish truth though I try to restrain. This could be an amazing time but I can't do it all for myself. She is the one that needs healing and love during these times. From which view do I send from? Friend? More? Less? I don't want to fall with those chains again. The threat frightens my heart. I have stepped on the stones that left me locked inside a place I can't control. Still this feels so much different than those past immaturities. I've controlled and listened and seen and held my spirit to restraint and sensibility. But now the remark of "I'm not sure anymore" screams through the strained concern. Excitement recreates a movement that could betray me. The switches click and she speaks to him. I bide and wait for the return message... I anticipate, I yearn. What will she spill onto the floor? What will I say in return? What will my desires cause amidst this? I hope the words I've heard from others will ring truthfully. She creates in me a calm and vigor. She brings me out and keeps me contained. She holds me to earth and lets me fly. But what else is there to do? I've got nothing left here, nothing to give away or lose. The breaking glass shot through my thoughts. Their glimmers taught me the moment's value. I lean down and forget my voice. I hide these thoughts for the time immediate. Maybe one day I can speak of these moments. Tell an ear that I trust. Hear her inside my words. But now my throat is locked. The only other thing I have is time. The only other one is a mystery.

Another Quit

Fire eats at the metal

Dust and death begin to settle
No thought, no judgment
No need, "I wanted"
Rip and destroy, blood departs
A pumping, beating, losing heart
A blackness seen
Light lost in me
I failed in faith
These months I waste
His hand still reaches
Too scared to meet this

Last Night

A light shines,

It breaks these clouded eyes.
I cover myself,
A glass is no disguise.
I lose my mind to you,
It's true.
The ringing remarks,
The truest thoughts.
Against my actions,
I continually fought.
Reality screams,
I can't face my deeds.
Tilt the glass,
Pour the wine.
This liquid drains,
I'm gone in time.
I feel a need to end it soon,
I feel a need to move.
To what ends I would go,
To what heights I would seek.
I couldn't hold on,
I faced my defeat.
Girl, you are gone,
I pushed you away.
You aren't coming back,
It's over, I fade.
I'm closed,
I'm finished,
I'm done with this.

Attack, Retreat

A no revolution outlook betrayed

Faded glass dims the day
I heard you call but I know not the answer
My lies eat me away, destroy me like cancer
Violent stabs into my side
A judgment received, the pain is mine
Careful time makes for distraught
My words are failing, I'm left with not
I force inspiration more than ever
The days of old are gone, the moments untethered
I'm going to wait for another dream
Something amazing I've yet to be
Tonight it could come, bringing emotion
Interpretation from vision, insight to devotion

Conditioned Fool

I'm your fool to lose tonight. The cruelest of tendencies will push me now. Never again will I see clearly- you've blotted my eyes. I've broken out the dangers inside this link between. I have walked this road many times before. I don't know if it's love- far too soon to give that word another thought. I don't want to play this song and fail to catch it's meaning. I've immersed myself within it's melodies and never found a life to live. I know the ramblings heard are not mysteries so contained tonight. I've read each line before, lived each minute to its fullest and not found a breath of my own. I can't know where I'm to lead this next step we might take. Do I wait? Will you? Timing is everything in this game of guess and dare. Your signals are sent but cut with a double edge. From which do I bleed? I cannot know, I never have. One attack will give the answer, whether right or wrong. My choice is limited. Patience is not my forte. This day I will not fool myself. This day I will calm my soul. This day I will break the pattern. Tomorrow I'll smile with you. Tomorrow I'll be new.

Hold Sight

Can you grip a heart to save a soul? Dancing forever to change my reluctance. I am reckless and destroying, changing the fight. This ticking moment betrays my patience, banning me from the desolation I wish to repair. Along a solitary path I wage war against myself, retreating the beast and pouring wind ripped heat onto the wounds in my flesh. I’ve lost the days of rest, which broke the weary chains that pulled me deep into a sea of clouded black. I’ve wandered around the truth, avoiding its sting to my prideful flaws. I indulge my weaknesses, giving to them the means to survive; the means to pull me further beneath the cold touch of regret. I’ve wept and screamed. I know the way to destroy this but I have yet to fire the shot. The heated metal could fly from my gun, ripping through the heart of those who oppress me, but my wavering hand tells of the fear I am made of. Where would I find the courage to squeeze the trigger? I can’t continue with my solitude. I need the change. A walk in awakening towards a melting of impurities may be a start to continuance. These moments will revive in me a passion that has escaped my hand. Don’t watch me crash into fiery disruption; I won’t survive without your words, your embrace, your breath, your touch.

Down, Fall

Baby, just leave me heartless now

Cut apart my words as you hear
This is all I ever could hope for
Just a touch from the flames
End it this way so I can fade
Burning me to a finish
I'll release my hope
Lose memories
Lose my time
My mind
I'm gone

Shift of Life

I ordered an HD camera yesterday! I epically twisted my ankle today! I didn't take an exam today! I'm taking an exam Thursday!

Well my life is typically dull, the same level anyone else would probably evaluate their own life as. I think the reason some people are bored is cause they don't change their life enough. I mean, that's a very obvious observation but life is something we live everyday and the patterns we have can, and do, get really boring as they droll on day by day, unchanging. So once in a while we should wake up early, go take a walk before getting ready for work or school, go to a diner for a nice dose of energizing coffee and pancakes, wake up late so you have to hurry around more than usual, challenge yourself to take a faster shower (that would also be a good way to save on water). We could come home from class or work and instead of walking to the couch, computer, or wherever, turn on some music and dance! We could use some spice of life, some invigorating changes, risks taken, ordering something new from the menu instead of the all too comfortable fettuccine alfredo. Use different words. Learn new ones. Look up old ones and let the freshness of the uncommon phrase livin' things up a smidge. Live it up, make tomorrow a day of difference, a day of newness. I for one am gonna start rustling my neatly arranged feathers of life and hit up some random diner where the waitresses are named Flo and they are almost too friendly with their habit of calling you "Hun" or "Babe" as they refill your mug with the blackest of awakenings. Join me.

By the by, this is not at all what I intended to type when I started. I was gonna talk about a sprained ankle, a new camera, and 789 NYC. Things change though, and change is good ; )

Count My Heed

Captain screams "Retreat to safety!"

Evasive maneuvers engage in me
Training embedded as part of you here
Our hearts give out, our bodies fear
Responsive actions rule us now
With this we are blind to the sound
No past kept for memory's sake
No time lost when we awake
Our world is not what we should know
A shutdown threatens mechanical throes
But for now we break and I am lost
Maybe our hearts are better off

A Day For Valiance

Who do the lonely love?

Where do they hide their hearts?
When to they reach the wall?
When do they fall apart?
Will love be drawn?
What's in all this pain?
Does it live alone?
Is it an elusive gain?
A day for nothing?
Another hour passed?
How much time is left?
More than the lost can last.

Oh, what's this I'm on? Looks like.. yep, it's a bandwagon.

Username:

BooderMcDoo

Why did you pick it?:

I have no idea how I came up with it. Something I randomly made up for AIM.

Who did you first subscribe to?:

tubopopcorn. I actually made my account solely to subscribe to the channel.

Who did you most recently subscribe to?:

Dayviideo

What does your last text message say?:

"i wasnt planning on coming home until saturday anyway."

Do you have any goals?:

Lose more weight. Get to 1000 subs this year. Go to another YT gathering.

What was the last thing you bought?:

Milk, cran-grape juice, wheat thins and a few other random gorceries.

Describe the person who posted this using one line?:

Several peoples around the interwebz.

Are you excited about anything?:

There is something but lately I've been forgetting the source of my excitement.

Do you have a crush?

Yes, yes I do.

Have you ever been drunk?:

No sir I have not.

Who was the first Youtube you met in real life?:

drakesizzle, my boy!

Who was the last Youtuber you met in real life?:

I think maybe caithead?

Do you pefer day or night?:

I'd probably go with nighttime.

Are you a member of any collab channels?:

A former member of two: 7ppl (what a treat that was) and TheLifeRefresh (that one just kinda died out)

Do you have a secret account?:

Yes I do. I think there are only two people that know about it. Haven't put a video on there in a while, though.

Do you believe in God?:

I talk to Him everyday.

Which youtuber do you talk to the most?:

nanalew and the former emmers77 (now filmdekrentz)

Which Youtuber do you think makes the best videos?:

In my opinion, waverlyflams is very consistent and I love that. Them or collegehumor.

You may only subscrie to 5 channels and only watch their videos. who will they be?:

drakesizzle
nanalew
collegehumor
waverlyflams
wheezywaiter

Are you in a relationship?:

Nope.

would you date a smoker?:

Nope.

Where is your favourite place?:

Recent memory tells me to say Huntington Beach but I debate between that and the Haaj house where all my buddies live and where I hang every weekend.

Are you a happy person?:

Tired but happy.

Would you kiss the person who posted this?:

There's more than one and I am no serial kisser.

What would you take to the desert island? :

Plenty of food, a lot of books I've wanted to read, music and Les Stroud

Do you prefer sun or snow?:

Half and half.

Who did you last speak to on the phone?

The auto repair shop lady.

Who did you last text?:

The Moms.

What are you doing tommorow?:

One class and then work.

What is your favourite flavour of potato chips?:

I likes them regular style.

What size are your feet?:

11

What do you want?:

Some clarity and someone for Valentine's.

What do you need?:

To not be lazy and do what I know to do.

What do you remember?:

I remember my bike is broken and I have to walk to class tomorrow =(

What do you wish?:

I wish I were rich and didn't have to deal with school.

Confess:

I'm a very insecure person about the things I do and the relationships I have. There's something for ya.

Honesty. Do you want people to anonymously post what they REALLY Think of you ?
Hit me with it! I'm game.

Well Now

I'm a bit disappointed in myself. Since the end of nanowrimo I haven't written a thing on any of my stories. Today I read through what I had written on Spirit of the Lost, the novel I started for nano, and it made me really want to write more on it. I don't know why I can't motivate myself to write. I have the story all laid out and I have every event in the story planned in sequence (except for one small part) but I never make myself sit down and write it. If I were to just sit down and write for 2 hours I would get so much done.

Anywho, doneskis with that part for now. On to something new.

Ummm.... Not sure what else I want to write about now. Ooh, I've seen two really good movies recently. Slumdog Millionare and Taken are both really awesome movies. They're amazing and are now two of my favorites. Not much else in the life of me. I know I'm not too entertaining but hey, at least I know it.

Classes: meh
Job: cool
Weekends: revive me
Tomorrow: some hope

Here's a random picture for you all

Time To Be Normal

Conditional lies

Why compromise
A day of history
She has taken me
Bricks build and break
Words inspire and shake
A world of eyes
The voices rise
I sit surrounded
Alone and empty-handed
Remove me now
Drown it out
Conclude this story
No loss, no worry

Because

Ok here goes something written purely for the sake of having it documented somewhere. It’s not in response to anything anyone has said and it’s not born out of something that I’ve experienced recently. It’s about the meaning of my poetry in relation to my current state of mind or mood.

I began writing poems in English class my sophomore year of high school. I only wrote them because it was an assignment but I soon found poetry to be an outlet of expression for me. I started writing about some things going in my life that were confusing to me and very heavy at the time. This is where most of my early poetry came from; it was all based on the present moment. I wrote many, many poems over the same subject. Each poem was derived from a different event or moment or word that I experienced within the larger frame of a yearlong search- a search for something I never found. I could draw on the emotions I had at the time and pour those out onto paper in the form of my early poems. I became very good at using these emotions as fuel and I can still easily draw on these emotions of the past to write passionately in the present. I look at it as exercise. I worked out my “poetry muscles” early on and got them attuned to writing about one thing and I have still yet to forget how to write about it. I’ll occasionally come out and write about the past to exercise those muscles so I don’t get out of shape in writing.

So some of my writings will be about past events and do not reflect my current state of mind. I write about the familiar. I do write about my current feelings far more than the past. Sometimes I feel like I need to write but have nothing in the present potent enough to generate a writing so I will draw upon my reserves and write about the past. I’m sure this is what all writers do and I don’t think I’m some unique poet in that I do this; I just wanted to say it for its own sake. And since my poetry is posted on a blog, which is meant to be filled with current thoughts, views, events and whatnot, I felt I should say not all entries are directly related to my current state of mind… which is something I think you all might already know. Anywho, I just felt like writing this.

Air Ahead

We know it
A return to
Sweetness sleeps
Dreams defeat
Past retaken
No signs mistaken
Smiles reaching
Love teaching
Learn again
Together defend
Failure before
Damage restored
Relief to me
A step to free

California

22 Travel

Running from, chasing down
The sun reaching every town
Closing eyes, open lands
Begging love in gasping hands
Stepping out, changes grow
Days too short, I won't let go
Words more than their sake
Breaths held not to break
Hold again a thousand discomforts
A moment here brings all wonders



Flip Roll
You leave me closing out from spinning black
Beauty repeated
Death retreated
Coming to show a broken heart
No way this is for me
A chance begins, passion induced
I want to cry
Fall and scream
Believe me
I'm lost tonight